tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85708766039727819402024-03-19T05:23:46.417-07:00in the still. Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-65865686797113770882017-10-17T00:15:00.002-07:002017-10-17T00:15:50.919-07:00fraud "boldness, be my friend" (w.s.)<br />
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i remember the first time i ever felt like a fraud. </div>
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i was going into the 9th grade and was transferring into a new school. i knew maybe 3 people at the school and decided to try out for the dance team. after i made it, i remember my sister (very kindly) writing me a note of encouragement telling me how much she admired my bravery. </div>
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<i>that</i> was the moment. </div>
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the moment that i realized that i was a fake, and eventually everyone was going to find out. </div>
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the truth was, i wasn't brave. </div>
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i was just good at pretending. </div>
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where people saw bravery and a willingness to take risks, i saw a girl who would do anything in order to secure an identity. </div>
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i wanted, no, i<i> needed</i> to be somebody. </div>
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and i knew that if i could wear that uniform, people might think that i <i>was</i> somebody. </div>
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i knew i was fake, but i also knew that the appearance of bravery, of boldness, made me feel strong. </div>
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you know that saying "fake it till you make it"? i think that could have been my mantra.</div>
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really, if we're being honest one of my biggest struggles has always been placing more value in how things <i>look</i>, than how they actually <i>are</i>. </div>
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i fall into a pattern of thinking that says, "the exterior determines the interior". if you look fine, then can convince everyone, even yourself, that you <i>are</i> fine...it works for awhile. </div>
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until it doesn't. </div>
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for me that process started 6 years ago. </div>
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6 years ago i got sick, and save for a brief intermission, i have never gotten better. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">**disclaimer: don't. feel. sorry. for. me. that's not the point. (that's all)**</span></div>
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being chronically sick is a daily reminder that you are not "fine". </div>
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which is a harsh wake up call for anyone, but especially for someone who fights to convince herself that outward drives inward. that appearance determines quality. </div>
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it's funny that i've worked so hard towards that end, yet the body i have screams the opposite. </div>
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if i take an honest look back at my life, i've always looked right. i've done the right things. said the right things. been the right person. always hoping that as long as the exterior looked right, the interior would follow suit. </div>
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but when the interior feels so wrong, it gets harder and harder to appear right. </div>
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enter: boldness. </div>
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my idea of bravery was skewed in that for most of my life, i hadn't faced things that truly scared me. for most of my life i hadn't come up against anything that i wasn't positive i could overcome. in fact i never really even tried to do anything if i wasn't convinced i would succeed...there is no boldness in that. embarrassingly enough, it wasn't until recently that i realized, true strength, courage, boldness and bravery are found in facing the things that scare you most. it's when you jump headlong into an endeavor knowing full well that it has the power to take you out. no one is remembered for playing it safe. people are remembered for looking fear in the face and pushing on anyway. </div>
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and that's where i am. </div>
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the truth is that being sick is scary and confusing and frustrating and discouraging and, to put it simply, it's hard. when you struggle and hurt emotionally or spiritually, you know what you're supposed to do in order to get healthy. but your physical health, that feels different. even when i do the right thing, it doesn't mean that the problem goes away. i have absolutely no power to change it. </div>
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but you never realize your propensity for bravery until you are confronted with your fear. </div>
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i'm terrified of people knowing that i am not ok. </div>
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and that? that is unavoidable. </div>
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it looks me in the eyes every single day. </div>
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so what does boldness look like? i think it looks likes like embracing the weakness, instead of trying to hide it. i think it means choosing joy, instead of just appearing happy. i think it means being ok, with not being ok. </div>
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i write these things here because my nature is to hide and cover and pretend, but nothing feels more public than putting it on the internet for anyone. </div>
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here's to being letting people see my weakness. </div>
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here's to being rather than appearing. </div>
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here's to boldness. </div>
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Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-85244369998078816022017-03-06T23:22:00.003-08:002017-03-06T23:22:59.421-08:00you are h e r efrankly i haven't thought about this blog in nearly a year. until today. i was talking to a girl about how beautiful it is that Jesus comes through the tangled mess of our lives and ties up all the loose ends, turning it into a beautiful story that reflects His glory. for whatever reason that jogged the memory.<br />
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it made my think about the life, the story, that the Lord has chosen me for. the one that He has set me apart for. the one that i have been consecrated for. it made me think about all the kinks He's untangled and all the ends He's tied together. My 20's have been significantly marked by refining. He's come through my guilt and shame and hidden places like a storm. storms don't discriminate. storms don't choose the weak over the strong or the incapable over the capable. they just rage on.<br />
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and that's how life has felt in my 20's (which are more than halfway over...what?). those waters have covered the face of my life and uprooted everything that sat in the darkest depths of my soul. my life has felt like the Earth must have felt during the flood. almost as if the Lord looked at my life with such great longing, such intense love, such deep sorrow, that He decided He could no longer allow it to exist as it was...He needed to wash it out and let it start over. start clean.<br />
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in the last 5 years there have been no parts of my life that haven't felt those flood waters. everything has gone through seasons of being bombarded, of being drowned.<br />
my health. my heart. my deepest fears. my pride. my mind. my confidence. my identity. my hopes. my expectations. my longings. my body. they have all been painfully overwhelmed. beautifully exposed.<br />
what began as a stomach ache, snowballed into years of unanswered questions. what began as one sad day spiraled into hundreds of days where getting out of bed was only the beginning of the battle and laying my head to rest was harder still. what began a painful memory, became a megaphone, accosting my identity from every angle. revealing fear and shame and doubt and self-loathing. making me feel like a bird who's had all it's feathers plucked out. a strange, alien-esque creature that only vaguely resembles it's former self.<br />
that in and of itself is grim and hard and hurts. it hurt a lot. and i'm not really saying that the hurting part if totally over. but i would also be wrong if i said that it's the end of the story.<br />
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the pain in my body really was never about the pain. it was, and always is, about the way it hurts my pride. hurts my expectations. hurts my confidence. pain in my body spoke to me the lie that if my body wasn't working, then i was broken. that i wasn't enough. that i was too weak, too frail, too vulnerable. and i would never be good enough.<br />
the sadness in my heart wasn't just about a painful, ugly memory of trauma and violation. it was, and always is, about the nature of hiding the things that make us feel ashamed. the things that make us feel like we have to prove that we are strong, because we are so afraid of people finding out just how weak we are. the things that make us hide and protect and freeze in our tracks.<br />
these are only two examples, but this is all to say that those floods washed me out for years. they tossed me back and forth in a torrid sea of truth and lies. clashing and breaking and never holding still long enough to be grasped or even identified.<br />
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but recently something rather extraordinary happened. it stopped raining. (ironic bc it's raining outside as i type...). i think it's gotten to the part of the story where Noah is in the ark waiting. waiting for the flood waters to drain and dry. waiting to see the saturated ground that lies beneath and rediscover his world on (somewhat) dry land. i very much feel like i'm in that place. waiting to rediscover the heart and body that have been drowned out and made new by His flood waters.<br />
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by His grace, His prompting and His power, everything is being illuminated. the darkest places of fear and shame and pain have worked their way into the light; and much like the Earth feeling like the Earth again once the waters dried, <i><b>i am feeling like myself again.</b></i> sure, the Earth was different. it carried all the marks of the flood, the erosion and tributaries, the lakes and plains and peaks and valleys. but it became the Earth that Christ Himself would be born into. would walk upon. would live and laugh and sacrifice on.<br />
my life carries the marks of my flood. those marks have woven their way into the landscape of my story. but those pathways in my story are the very ones Christ Himself walks upon. and that looks more like myself than anything i've seen in years.<br />
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and my rainbow? while i can't say that i have the promise of my life never experiencing a flood again, His faithfulness is the promise i hold to so tightly. because i am making it. everyday more and more. i am making it. and that promise. that faithfulness. it is worth more than the biggest, brightest rainbow i could ever ask for.<br />
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so instead of living in hiding and fear. instead of denying the flood, thank Him for the rain. thank Him for the hurt. thank Him for the love that is deep enough to uproot the hidden places and bring them into His glorious light. "just set your sail and risk the ocean, there's only grace". (david crowder band) this is where healing is found. this is where wholeness begins. i promise.<br />
<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-83603671669363341562016-06-08T15:17:00.007-07:002016-06-08T15:19:30.827-07:00let go. as i sat and read the news this morning, i was reminded of the webs that weave all of human life together. the common experiences that we all share. i don't think that i have ever written about current events and it's been a really, really long time since i've written about my own experience with assault, but today those two collide. the <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/06/04/you-took-away-my-worth-a-rape-victim-delivers-powerful-message-to-a-former-stanford-swimmer/">New York Times</a> posted an article today containing the personal response of the girl who was sexually assaulted by Brock Turner. i read her statement with teary eyes, seeing her strive for freedom on paper, seeing her side of the story thrown out there for all the world to consume and judge. knowing full well that releasing a statement does not bring her freedom. certainly it brings a sense of peace; a sense that you said what you needed to say, that you allowed your voice to be heard, that you took control instead of staying a silent victim. and that is valuable. that is important. allowing assault to take away your voice, your strength, your value, is heartbreaking. but even if every human who has ever been assaulted had a chance to broadcast their side of the story, and every sexual predator was brought to justice, the outcome would still not be freedom. not for the victim, or the criminal.<br />
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but, that's not the only reason that this story stuck. this girl, this victim, is my age. we probably graduated college the same year and started our independent lives at the same time. it wouldn't be a stretch to say that though we have never met, our lives are a series of similar events. and now we share one deeper. our stories look different, but the truth is no matter the circumstances, the violation is the same. the affect on your psyche is the same. the confusion and frustration and anger and fear and shame...they all match. and then, this poor girl had to go through the trauma of a trial, of seeing her attacker regularly, of hearing both himself and his attorneys defend his innocence, all while her body and her soul carried the scars to prove otherwise. to sit before a jury and a courtroom and attempt to convince people that your most basic right, the right to yourself, was stripped from you and violated, would be jarring to say the least. my heart aches for this girl for a number of reasons, but mostly it aches because we all know that a 19 year old boy behind bars doesn't take away the crippling anxiety. it doesn't take away the shame or confusion or anger. it doesn't take away the looming fear that you will never, ever be the same. for this girl, no amount of justice will ever take away the emptiness. <i><b>justice won't bring her freedom. only Jesus can bring freedom</b>.</i> she doesn't know that everything she lost can be restored. she doesn't know that her life and her story can have abundant purpose, not in spite of her trauma, <i><b>but including her trauma.</b></i> she doesn't know that someone endured every injustice so that no matter what, she could be called worthy, valuable, whole, clean, perfect. she doesn't know that her life can be more beautiful, more full, more complete than it was before her attack. she doesn't know that someday, she can supernaturally forgive the boy who did this to her, and let go. that's the real tragedy.<br />
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now please don't hear me saying that rape and assault are not tragic and destructive and paralyzing. trust me, based on experience, i know that they are. i've spent the sleepless nights. i've had the panic attacks. i've battled depression, shame, guilt, anger and unforgiveness. i understand. but i also understand that rape culture has existed since the dawn of time, and as long as evil exists, unfortunately, rape culture will exist. I completely believe that their must be repercussions for these crimes and that peace and safety exist when criminals are punished for their actions. I would never say to stop being angry at the crime. especially as believers who know the weight of our sin, we should never stop fighting injustice. What i am saying though is that in the meantime don't forget that our hearts aren't longing for earthly justice, our hearts are longing for Jesus. this unnamed victim, along with millions of others, is now faced with a lifetime full of lies rooted in a strangers "20 minutes" of unbelievable selfishness and the only thing that will begin to heal that kind of hurt, to break the chains of shame, is Jesus. This is why He did what He did, why He died, why He came back. because our world and ourselves are desperately broken and selfish. but He gives us a way out. hope. potential. purpose.<br />
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i don't talk about my own experiences often. i don't want "victim" to be a word that people associate with me. i don't want "victim" spoken over me. assault is part of my story, but "victim" is not part of my identity. <i><b>but that should be why i write.</b></i> because in the middle of despair i realized that Jesus had been weeping over me and my brokenness since the moment it happened. He never stopped. He never left. He was with me the whole time and always will be and He took my pain and shame and turned it to joy and purpose. He took a story filled with lies and heartache and confusion, and replaced it with one of truth and healing and joy. and the same thing is possible for every "victim".<br />
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So as you read about the Brock Turner case and hear all the voices, i pray that the loudest voice is the one that says "take heart, I have overcome the world"[john 16:33]. i pray that your heart is stirred to pray less for punishment and pray more for redemption. i pray that when you look at victims of abuse you not see shame and brokenness, but see a future of joy and abundant life, and that you be the salt and light that shows them they are worthy of love and capable of healing. the truth is that no matter which side of the story you look at, all you can see is brokenness and shame and guilt. <i><b>my prayer is that as followers of Jesus we get less and less consumed with arguing sides and more consumed with helping the hurting find healing.</b></i> the only way that we can win is not to see a criminal behind bars, but to see every victim freed from their chains. and i pray that someday the common experience i share with this girl, extends to freedom in Christ.<br />
<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-12931017775119342142015-10-01T00:12:00.001-07:002015-10-01T09:29:28.940-07:00awake my soul. <span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">october is a significant month in my life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">it's crazy for me to think that 2 years ago i was sitting in my car, shattered by a sudden memory of pain and guilt and shame from a decade prior. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">overcome by an ocean of fear. afraid to look at myself. afraid to trust myself. afraid to trust the Lord. afraid to speak or breath or wake up the next morning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">i understand how dramatic that sounds, but anyone who has even grazed the surface of depression knows that the feelings are real, rationality holds less weight when fear is the strongest emotion. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">it was two years ago that i was in the car [lots of moments happen for me in cars] with my mom and sister, coming home from seeing Wicked in Kansas City, mustering up the courage to tell my mom about my trauma. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">it was two years ago that i felt like part of my life, a big part of my life, ended. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">but, it was two years ago that my life began. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">two years ago a lifetime of lying and hiding and pretending came crashing down around me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">they had to. it had to fall apart. i had to fall apart. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">if i hadn't fallen apart i never would have known the joy of being put back together. never known the joy of of utter depravity and unconditional love. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">i had to loose who i was so that i could start finding out who i am. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">i had lived countless years trying to be the person that i assumed everyone else wanted me to be. changing masks at the drop of a hat out of the insane need to be accepted and needed, valued, relevant. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">attempting to control every detail is what eventually sent it all spinning out of control. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">convenient isn't it? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">but, wasting time is not my m.o.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">a lot can happen in 2 years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">a lot of growth, a lot of renewal, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of learning, a lot of restoration. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">730 days. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">some good. some bad. some really, really bad. but, by now the good outweighs the less than. and the bad doesn't seem so bad anymore when it serves as a reminder of how far you've come, of how different life is, of how much you are loved. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">there's this story about Jesus where He's having a meal with a bunch of outcasts; hookers and thieves. the religious leaders of the day crack down on him and start grilling him on why he is spending time with such lowly humans. Jesus responds to their judgment by saying "those who are well have no need of a doctor, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">i love this story. i love the kindness of the heart of Christ. i love that he didn't want to hang out with the people who were performing. he loved them, but they didn't think they needed to be saved. he wanted to show the broken that they were loved and known and valued and worthy. and here i am, in the middle of that love. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">none of my life looks at all like i had planned or imagined, 2 years ago changed all that...13 years ago changed all that...the love of a creator who knows me better than i know myself changed all that. my memories and my past were altered by the truth, which was the only thing that could make way for my present and future to be lived in truth. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">everything is different than i thought it would be, but everything is just as it should be. it is right and true and good and full. i am finding who i am in who he is and for the first time ever i like the reflection. i recognize the face in the mirror and it doesn't just look like me, it is me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">like i said, a lot can happen in 2 years...and i am fully confident that it doesn't end here. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">thanks for joining me on the journey. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">xo, a.</span>Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-1269678452763505602015-08-13T15:54:00.003-07:002015-08-13T15:54:58.618-07:00the waiting room. for anyone who has ever been sick, you know the feeling...that life is measured in a series of doctors visits. sitting in waiting rooms, waiting in exam rooms, answering the same questions over and over again, rating your pain on a scale of 1-10 [what is that anyway? like sorry, the devil has a death grip on my stomach with his lava hands, but yea, i guess i'd say it's like a 7.5], you've looked through one too many People magazines, you've talked about every single bodily function imaginable in the greatest of detail [no matter how uncomfortable], you've jumped through every hoop, had blood drawn, had tests and scans and the whole 9, waited for results, gone to follow up after follow up, and you've heard the words that are now, easily, my least favorite words to hear from a health professional...."trial and error".<br />
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[what can i say? i have an unfortunate autoimmune system.<br />
like if you think i'm dramatic, just talk to my intestinal tract...it's the real MVP.<br />
<a href="http://www.tntdrama.com/">TNT</a> claims that they know drama, but honestly they've never met my autoimmune system, so...]<br />
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sometimes it's hard for me to not get swallowed by the reality that the function of the body mirrors the function of the heart. broken, flawed, incomplete, lacking. it can all at once be discouraging and frustrating and overwhelming and at times even daunting...kind of a "what's next?" feeling. I mean it's been slightly more than 4 years since i first got sick + it's still not all figured out.<br />
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There's a commercial for headlights that says all you need in life is to see the next 200 feet...but honestly be it in my car or my life, i would feel more comfortable seeing more than 200 feet ahead. and yet.<br />
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like i said, sometimes it feels like having chronic illnesses just serves as a constant reminder that everything is broken. which on the one hand is good. it's good to be reminded that life here is incomplete, that we need Jesus, that we should never live under the assumption that this life is perfect.<br />
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but as i was sitting in my room a few nights ago, feeling anxious and frustrated and sad because of yet another set of doctor's visits and tests and unknown results, i had this revelation...<br />
my future, my forever is soooooooooo much more real to me because of not only the imperfection of my heart, but also the imperfection of my body. my body is sometimes a mess. my heart is sometimes a mess. i have aches and pains and exhaustion and things that just don't make the proper connections in my body. i have selfishness and pride and greed and jealousy and things that come up short in my heart. it's messy all the same.<br />
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and just like that i am reminded of the gospel. reminded that today is not forever and this body and this heart are not the end all be all. reminded that Jesus is "making all things new" [rev. 5:21]. the heart. the body. the world. the pain. the sad. the unjust. the frustrating. all of it.<br />
new is on it's way.<br />
best is on it's way.<br />
perfect is on it's way.<br />
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that's why Jesus came and lived and died and most of all came back. so that we would forever know that this is all temporary. that there's is better and wholer and completer right around the corner and all we have to do is press into Him. press into love.<br />
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for a very long time, like maybe 8 years one of my favorite verses has been habakkuk 3:18, where in the midst of turmoil and pain he says "yet I will take joy in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation".<br />
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sure my body might not work perfectly, but if it did work perfectly i would have one less reminder that i N E E D Jesus. now and forever. i can be joyful in the broken because i know that it won't always be.<br />
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here's to being thankful for the things that don't look like they deserve thanks. here's to choosing the good in the midst of the bad and the ugly.<br />
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xo, a.<br />
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**disclaimer: remember what i said about me being dramatic? this is a bit dramatic. while yes, i do have 2 chronic illnesses, it's really not all that bad. sometimes a girl just get overwhelmed.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-46023925879887352372015-07-07T16:10:00.000-07:002015-07-07T16:10:25.803-07:00just a fix.you know how when you were in high school you would make some extravagant gesture to get a boy to notice you, and then you end up crying into your pillow, feeling like a fool because he didn't notice [or pretended to not notice] or even worse he did notice and didn't care.<br />
<span style="text-align: center;">if you were like me you were pining for him, building him up in your mind, making him the end all be all. </span><br />
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-align: center;">cue the icy shock of reality. devastating. humiliating. ultimately making you feel less lovable, less worthy, less valued. </span><span style="text-align: center;">unless you are decidedly the most confident human being in the world, you've felt the sting of this particular type of defeat.</span><br />
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and here's the thing, when you're 16 years old and you make yourself look like an idiot all for a boy, you tell yourself that S O M E D A Y things will be different. you'll grow up and change stop being so awkward and embarrassing and desperate. you see all these people around you and you think, "wow, they've got it made, they can carry on a full conversation without sounding like a total moron, one day I'll be just like them".<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
**if you're anything like me you suffer from the delusion that every word from your mouth is some form of comedic genius...and then it leaves your mouth and you realize that you actually just sound like some kind of off-beat combination of early '00s Amanda Bynes and late '00s Bill Cosby, so it's mostly just confusing and awkward**</div>
and then something happens. lots of things about you change, but mostly you just stay the same. because you are you. growing up isn't a magical remedy that erases everything awkward and replaces it with tact and class and appropriate behavior. no. you stay awkward, what changes is your shell. it's like my friend Claire said to me the other day, "we just get better at pretending". and it's true,<br />
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<i>we just get better at hiding the fact that</i><i> we're all just jonesin' for our next fix of one another's attention.</i> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
we're just a bunch of addicts hoping that next time we're the one's getting the laugh or the look. and to make matters worse there's social media, so we're also hoping to get the like or the comment.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<i> in the land of plenty we're all starving for more.</i> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
i've been struck recently by the reality that a lot of people don't outgrow the strivings that have always made them feel like an idiot. old habits die hard and i think these habits die the hardest. that need to be at the top of someone else's affections. the need to be someone's #1. we all feel the longing to be tops and the pang of feeling like we're the bottom of the barrel.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
the thing is, i'm 23 years old. i've lived a lifetime of feeling like i'll never measure up. a lifetime of looking like a fool. a lifetime of being a try hard. with every laugh or compliment, i realize more and more that no amount of attention will ever fill the longing. i don't want to be addicted to the affection of other people who, like me, will never measure up. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i think there should be a group for people like me. Attention Seekers Anonymous. i think if we were honest we'd all have to be part of it. we'd all have to sit in a circle and talk about the gaping hole in the middle of our beings. it's like a tire with a hole in it, you can fill it with air all day, but the air leaves as quickly as it enters. i think if we do things right the Attention Seekers Anonymous would also be known as the body of Christ. cause at the end of my longings, strivings, searchings, hopings, jonesings [not a word. so sue me], Jesus is there. always there. filling the gap over and over again. waiting for me to remember that people will never be enough. i will never be enough. this world will never be enough. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
color me thankful that there's more to this life than other people. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
xo. ab. </div>
</div>
Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-38200340357347882252015-06-11T09:10:00.001-07:002015-06-11T09:10:50.997-07:00would a NORMAL person do this?in my <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/history-of-love-nicole-krauss/1100871987?ean=9780393328622" target="_blank">favorite novel</a> one of the main characters has a younger brother, who through a series of events, comes to believe that he is a lamed vovnik...<br />
<br />
**basically in the jewish faith they believe that there are at all times 36 righteous people inhabiting the earth who maintain the balance of good and evil and keep a connection between the people and God. don't ask me anything more, cause that's actually all i know.<br />
<br />
...the novels focuses heavily on the fine line between normal + abnormal behavior. obviously Bird, the supposed lamed vovnik, typically falls into the abnormal category, and as a result the main character, Alma is constantly pleading with him to PLEASE ACT NORMAL. thus taking Bird through a journey that all of us have gone through, deciding if we are going to be ourselves, or be "normal". [Bird narrates a couple chapters of the story + in said chapters he frequently asks himself the question "would a NORMAL person do this", if yes, he acts, if no he modifies.]<br />
<br />
let's face it, with or without thinking that you are one of the 36 righteous people on earth chosen by God to keep the world spinning, middle school is hard. being 12 is hard. navigating puberty and figuring out who you are is just hard. so we look at the most normal person we can find + we decide that we'll modify our behavior, hide our "worst" attributes and become like that person. we shift and mold and squeeze ourselves into a social construct that we call normalcy and decide to try and forget everything that we don't think people would like about us...all the things that make us different. all the things that make us individuals.<br />
<br />
normalcy is a wolf in sheep's clothing. it tells us that it's good and safe and what's best and will help us fit in and have friends and not be a pariah. here's what i think. i think that another word for "normal" is "shame". when we decide to be "normal" we bury who we are, the qualities that we perceive as negative, under a thick layer of shame and mask ourselves in qualities that we have begged and borrowed from other "normal" people [which lets be honest, no one is normal. we're all acting] [also if you have read <a href="http://scaryclose.com/" target="_blank">Scary Close</a> he touches on shame on a pretty deep level in my favorite chapter].<br />
<br />
and here's the thing. i think we are missing out on something really important. we are not understanding and believing and accepting that we were fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of an infinite, all knowing, all powerful, all loving God. it's a tale as old as time. thinking we can fill ourselves with something greater than what God has filled us with because we value His opinion less than we value the opinions of our peers. it happens. he knows. he forgives and loves us anyway. but we break his heart because where we see "abnormal" or "different" or "weird" or "unacceptable" he sees purpose and design and opportunity and His plan.<br />
<br />
through a series of unfortunate and ill-managed events in my past i built my base layers of shame and for the next 15 years of my life they grew and developed until i was 6 feet under without any clue who i really was and who i wanted to be [which is a pretty terrifying place to find yourself as a new college graduate] and the funny thing is that being "normal" comes relatively easy to me + acting "normal" is even easier. i'm a pretty normal person, i'm not that weird, in some ways i guess you could say that according to social norms i'm pretty lucky. because for the most part i naturally fit. fitting in has never really been a stretch for me. and yet. i say all of this to show that even the most normal people find things to hide and bury and be painfully ashamed of. hiding is safe.<br />
<br />
then yesterday i was reading isaiah 54, which is all about God's covenant of peace with His people, so basically it's beautiful and hopeful and something for us fickle, frightened people to cling to.<br />
isaiah 54:4 says:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"fear not for you will not be ashamed;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for you will forget the shame of your youth..."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
cue the water works. i mean not really, but kinda. it's basically saying that the promise of the Lord is that the shame of our youth will be forgotten. that things that made us hide and disappear will be like chaff in the wind. how great is that? he created us and loves us and knows that much like me, people have "unfortunate and ill-managed events" that led to shame, and all of those things are void in light of HIM. because He is the one who makes us who we are. we weren't created to be "normal". </div>
<div>
"normal" doesn't even <i>really</i> exist. it is fluid; subject to change at any time. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
so i say reject "normal". we need to stop asking ourselves "would NORMAL people do this/say this?"</div>
<div>
and start being vulnerable. shame is fear + Christ promises that perfect love casts out fear [1 john 4:18]. love, real love, is scary and uncomfortable and foreign and hard to accept, but in the same way that you have to lay into the cold and accept it in order for it to no longer feel cold, i think that we have to breath deeply and let ourselves relax into the love that tells us we are complete as we are, that we are loved and known and whole, without hiding and burying. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
that's what i need. that's what we all need. and how much more will the world see love if we stop trying to be "normal" and start being human. broken and flawed and weird and embarrassing and different, but true and honest and vulnerable? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
go forth and be not normal. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
xoxo,</div>
<div>
ab. </div>
Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-42785740210159599132014-08-11T16:25:00.002-07:002014-08-12T12:50:51.097-07:00ErnestErnest Hemingway once said "write hard and clear about what hurts"<br />
now for the Hemingway reader this quote comes as no surprise, Hemingway did this often, maybe always. He was a messed up guy, broken(i'm just as broken), and wrote about the things that hurt. I personally think that Hemingway had a unique way of twisting everything into something painful. I mean it worked for him, the beauty of his writing comes through the honesty with which he communicated pain. now i wouldn't say that i'm the biggest Hemingway fan, I'm more of a Fitzgerald girl...i mean yes i was an english major and yes i've read loads of his writings and own loads of his work, but i also am in the camp that thinks he was a misogynist. i mean, you're probably lying to yourself, or have poor reading comprehension, if you try and disagree with me. the facts are there. the man hated women.<br />
<br />
anyway, that's not the point of this post. really i just wanted to quote him and say that for the last 9 months that quote has been like a scratched record, going over and over itself.<br />
there's this episode of Dexter's Laboratory that i used to watch when i was a kid in which Dexter has a french test and doesn't want to waste his time studying. instead he buys a "learn french fast" record, dons headphones and attempts to master the french language while he sleeps. the only problem is that the record gets stuck and repeats to him the same phrase all night long. "omelette du fromage". if you're no linguist...or a bad guesser, that means cheese omelette. he learns one phrase for his test. cheese omelette. he walks around the whole day, making the girls swoon by saying cheese omelette. cheese. omelette.<br />
<br />
that's what this Hemingway quote has been like in my head.<br />
<br />
write about what hurst. write about what hurts. write hard and clear about what hurts.<br />
hurt.<br />
hurt.<br />
hurt.<br />
<br />
and so i did. i swore to myself that when i felt the weight of all that had transpired in <a href="http://abbielay26.blogspot.com/2014/03/eleven.html" target="_blank">the past 9 months. the past 11 years</a>. i would write about it. and it would be hard and raw and clear and painful.<br />
i promised myself that if i cried i would make myself feel the fullness of my tears. that i would give them their space. that i would allow them to dig in their heels and make tracks down my face, until they one by one dropped off my chin and reached their final destination on the neck of my shirts. if i needed to be mad, i would be. if i needed to be yell and punch pillows with imaginary faces, i would. if i needed to be hopeless and helpless and desolate, i would.<br />
i hadn't ever let myself feel real, raw pain. and all of a sudden i had a lot. i had a storage unit full of boxes packed tight with new and different and unique pain. and i was going to open each box, one by one and feel the contents individually. i was going to allow the pain to become my own.<br />
and i did it.<br />
<br />
but there comes a point where what was once productive and filled with purpose, turns into obsession.<br />
it's just like Dexter. not the pseudo vigilante, serial killer. the short, red-headed, genius cartoon character. sure there was purpose in the whole french phrase thing, and he passed his french exam and the girls swooned, but suddenly all he could say was "omelette du fromage". he could remember no other words, no other phrase, only "omelette du fromage". and all i knew was pain.<br />
<br />
Hemingway is not my idol. not my role model. in fact if a genie said "you can stay anonymous and poor for the rest of your life, or you can receive all the fame, money, talent, etc you could ever desire if you will just be the reincarnation of Ernest Hemingway" i would probably stay me.<br />
but when all i let myself feel "clear and hard" was pain, i started to turn into a ghost of Hemingway. obsessed with pain and the vanity of entertaining my pain. the glorification of pain. and the subsequent anger, bitterness and fear that accompanies the over-indulgence of pain.<br />
<br />
<br />
there is pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. the over-indulgence of pain is like living in endless night. don't stunt the light because you are obsessed with the new found darkness.<br />
<br />
xx.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-77145939848495355472014-06-23T09:36:00.001-07:002014-06-23T09:36:26.912-07:00super manwhen you're a child it's easy to look at your dad and think that he is definitively the coolest, strongest, bravest, most successful man alive. you watch him as he fixes the car, builds tree houses, mows the lawn, coaches everything from baseball to soccer and you pretend that he is super. your imagination equates him with the likes of superman, batman, the flash and thor, capable to do all things with the greatest of ease.<br />
<br />
as humans we are born to worship. we have the innate desire to idolize something. we find that which is good and make it into something great. this is why we have superheroes and demigods. they have the appearance of regular people, but beneath it all they are different, set apart, super. as children we put our fathers up there with these fictional characters, because these men in our lives are the closest thing we have to "super".<br />
<br />
but as we grow up we learn that our dads are flawed, they become less and less super and more and more ordinary. we see that life isn't a sequence of glorified successes, but a journey of daily failures and little victories. we watch them work and hurt and grow and toil and be frustrated and make mistakes; we pull the pedestal out from under them and they fall down to our level. they lose their shine and become just another man, getting by as best as they can in this mixed up world.<br />
<br />
then something truly magical happens. we realize that our dads really are super, they have been all along, not in the way we imagined as children, but in a way that makes them worthy of truly being a hero. a real dad is the one who sits in an office for 8+ hours every single day, working for the same companies for decades at a time, who goes through promotions and firings and budget cuts and bonuses, all for the security of his family, of the ones he loves most. a real dad comes home after a long day of work only to mow the lawn and clean the pool and help with homework and answer emails and discipline his kids and fix the sink and pay the bills, and none of that is for him, but all for his wife, for his kids. what makes dads super is not that they are extraordinary but because they are ordinary. they are men who sacrifice their own glory and become selfless for the sake of their families. in one fell swoop dad goes from superman to a super man because of love, the greatest power of all; the selfless kind of love that puts others before self, that sets aside desires and lofty dreams and personal glory in order to be the best father and provider for his family.<br />
instead of worshipping these fathers as if they are super heroes, we aspire to be them because they are normal, they are real.<br />
<br />
so, thank you fathers for setting aside your capes everyday and working long and hard for the sake of those you love, rather than yourselves. thank you for teaching us how to love in the ordinary.<br />
<br />
xoxo,<br />
abbie.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-8228963940473340492014-03-31T11:13:00.001-07:002014-03-31T11:13:48.332-07:00eleven. last week i went on a spring break trip to Memphis, Tennessee to hang out with a bunch of sweet kids at an after school program. this is where i met a second grader named Paris Romero. Paris was a little fireball, one of the few people whom i consider more sassy than myself. outgoing, bold, honest and strong-willed are a few of the words that i would use to describe her. as the week went on though it becoming strikingly clear that Paris was also wounded, jaded and afraid. clearly this young girl had seen more hurt and injustice than most 2nd graders and she broke my heart. she didn't just desire attention and affection, she needed it. we were buddies for the first few days of being at the gym, but on wednesday, something changed. the two of us had been playing, when i (as the leader of the group) had to step away and check on one of our students; as i walked away i promised Paris that i would be right back. well apparently i was taking too long, because she came looking for me and what she found shook our new found friendship to its core. when she found me she saw me talking to one boy, with a different little boy on my back, and this simply pushed her over the edge. after yelling at me for not coming back to play with her, she ran away with tears in her eyes.<br />
Eventually i found her under the bleachers and, surprise, she wouldn't talk to me. when i tried to explain to her what had happened, she got up and ran away again, and i, unwilling to let wounds fester, followed. she locked herself in a bathroom stall, so i stood outside and refused to leave until she explained to me why she was angry with me.<br />
i has recently heard a pastor talk about how anytime he met with someone who was angry, he would always ask them what they were fearing, because the root of anger is often fear. with that in mind i deduced that Paris, a sweet, impressionable, wounded, distrusting 8 year old, was afraid that i had moved on from her, that i had left her and that i wasn't going to come back. so as she stood, locked in her stall, paralyzed by her fear and anger and hurt, explained to her the situation and that i loved her and that i hadn't left her and that if i had promised to come back to her, then i would. i tried to affirm her trust in me and promise her that no matter how mad she was at me, that i would be there for her, waiting, ready to be her friend, forsaking all others, i would wait patiently until she was ready, because i wanted her, i wanted to be her friend. and then i waited.<br />
when she finally came out of the bathroom i found her on the bleachers, with a damp paper towel, trying to clean the white rubber bottoms of her shoes. for the next 35 minutes we sat in near silence, scrubbing her shoes. it was then and there that her trust in me and my love was restored and from that point on our friendship strengthened. she trusted me again. and that was enough.<br />
<br />
as we were sitting there cleaning her shoes all i could think about was the fact that I am Paris.<br />
i have had a rough year. probably the worst year of my life to date. you see, 2 1/2 years ago i got really sick and never really stopped being sick. because i was sick, i then got depressed. and then i was broken up with and then i graduated from college and my cell group girls whom i had poured 7 years of my life and heart into graduated high school and moved on and i moved out of fayetteville and back to rogers and i got more sick and i was tired and scared and sad. really sad. major parts of my identity ended all at the same time and i couldn't cope. so i got more depressed. and when i say i depressed i mean, never want to get out of bed, "what's the point?" depressed. and then in the depth of my depression i had a flashback to a traumatic event that i had so skillfully suppressed, that i didn't even know had happened. on a random night in October, as i was trying to hold myself and my life together, to no avail, i remembered that when i was 11 years old i was sexually abused by my neighbor. the memory of that event shook me to my core. i had been so scared and confused and ashamed that i had hidden it not only from the world, my family and my friends, but from myself. for the next 5 months, that memory ruined me. i was angry. angry at the guy who did that to me, angry at the world, angry that it made me believe that i was dirty, that i was unworthy of love, that i wasn't valuable, that i had no worth to men aside from my physical being. i was angry that this abuse was now part of my story, part of making me into the person that i am today. i was angry that i now had a laundry list of issues and insecurities and baggage that i had never asked for. i was angry because of the injustice that was inflicted upon me when i was a helpless, innocent child. i was angry at God. and i was scared that i was too dirty and broken for Him to love me anymore. i was scared and i realized that i had spent my life from that moment when i was 11 trying make myself worthy of His love. it was never really about what had happened to me, but it was all about the lies that event had made me believe about myself, and the fact that i felt powerless to fight back against them, because i had believed them as truth for over a decade of my life. i was mad. more mad than i have ever been and ever hope to be again. <br />
<br />
i went through a phase where i was so wounded and broken that i no longer trusted God, no longer trusted that He loved me or wanted me or cared for me. i thought he had left me and wasn't interested in coming back. i was angry. i was scared that He didn't love me anymore, that He had never really loved me. i know it all sounds ridiculous, but it's true, i lost my trust in Jesus' love and didn't know if it would ever return. but over time, as i kept myself locked in that bathroom stall, Jesus stood outside and whispered to me over and over again, that forsaking all others, He would wait for me. that He wanted me. that He would never leave me or forsake me. He wasn't giving up on me or walking away from me, even though at the
time i didn't want Him at all, even though i wanted to be mad at Him and
blame all of it on Him. He wanted to be my friend. He wanted to love me. and then the unimaginable happened. he sat there with me on those bleachers, in silence as i contemplated my willingness to trust again, and washed my dirty, gross shoes. He wasn't sitting there waiting for me to apologize for not trusting Him or do something to regain His love. He simply sat down and served me. even after i had yelled at Him and walked away and hid and tried to resist His attempts to communicate His love. No, He showed His love by serving me. like when He washed the disciples feet. He humbled me and loved me and showed His heart, by humbling Himself. and it was those moments that restored my trust. restored my certainty. restored my ability to see through the hurt that He loved me, that He was true and that He loved me no matter how wounded and dirty and broken i was. He reminded me that after the pain, He was there, waiting to sit down and help me clean myself back up again. sure there were marks that could never be removed, but He made them shine again. He made me shine again, when shining was something i never thought would be possible. "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" means that i can shine even when the world has done all it can to make me dull. He restores. <br />
<br />
so, thank you paris for letting me wash your shoes.<br />
<br />
xoxo. abbie. <br />
<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-47500209074794315242013-10-27T20:47:00.000-07:002013-10-27T20:48:23.848-07:00glittering eyes. as i sit here in my bed, laptop sitting on my stomach, fingers resting on the keyboard, brain scampering down roughly 15 side streets; i find myself in the same place i've been about 100 times in the last 16 months. searching. not so much searching. wandering. <br />
and then just like that. a light. a moment. a glimmer. <i>a thought</i>.<br />
you see, my mind and heart have been on a journey together; a journey of endless night. wandering down moonlit alleys, checking every last crevice for some semblance of light. of life. traveling through miles of unfamiliar territory with what few stars remain guiding the way. and yet the wandering has been aimless and the findings have been few, leaving behind nothing but two tired shells of knowledge and emotion. but all is not lost. if the heart wants what the heart wants, then a heart set upon freedom will not quietly submit to schackles. not without a fight. and when the heart and mind set themselves upon the same goal, they make a nearly unstoppable team.<br />
people are always quick to remind that the decisions you make today will affect the rest of your life. i am always quick to dismiss this.<br />
and yet the niggling in the pit of my stomach demands i examine further the truth lying beneath the cliche. this is one of the darkened alleys that heart and mind wander down. and there, in a corner or a crack or a crevice or at the bottom of a barrel, smoldering, lies an ember. that glimmer. <i>that thought</i>.<br />
the reminder that the thoughts, attitudes and actions that heart and mind choose today will indeed, for better or worse, affect tomorrow and the next day and everyday that follows. <br />
a fork. a choice. the difference between hope and tears. the difference between angst and perspective. <br />
the choice being glaringly simple and yet arduously puzzling. the two cannot meet.<br />
thus leaving heart and mind, standing silently, <i>with glittering eyes</i>, over a single ember, attempting to make sense of it all, of that little glimmer. the glimmer which tells them that they must choose.<br />
a choice is made, a thought is born, an ember burns on.<br />
whether the today is good or bad, the day will not break any sooner because of an acceptance of the dark. <br />
thus heart and mind press on, through the endless night, with a simple ember to remind of the joy found in the light. no matter how the light comes, be it a wildfire or the blinding beams from the sun, it will come. the wandering is not in vain, weak heart and mind. hold fast.<br />
the smallest spark can start the largest flame. so burn on you fervent ember.<br />
<br />
.a. <br />
<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-11297865300593068622013-04-18T10:33:00.001-07:002013-04-18T10:33:49.209-07:00unknown<div style="text-align: center;">
When I was young I would pray that God would make me famous. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now I pray that He makes me anonymous. </div>
Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-54101193509339817182013-03-24T23:09:00.002-07:002013-03-24T23:09:43.304-07:00you weren't made for that roughly a week and a half ago i penned notes to three dear friends who were off on a missions trip toe Belize. though each note was different and specific to the individual, there was one sentence that worked as the string to bind them all together. the words that were in those letters were placed on my heart for reasons unknown by me at the time, but they seemed important and so, i wrote.<br />
those words were:<br />
have no fear, you weren't made for that.<br />
<br />
it wasn't until Sunday when i was listening to a sermon from <a href="https://twitter.com/louiegiglio" target="_blank">Louie Giglio</a> on freedom that i realized that those words weren't just to my friends, they were to me too.<br />
<br />
Jesus is really wonderful because He isn't afraid of anything, not even afraid of loosing our love by giving us challenges...and the thing is it works for Him. He gives me hard things to do, hard obstacles to overcome, hard people to love, hard roads to walk down, and at the end of the day i love Him more than i did before. so i'd basically say that He knows what He's doing.(which is the exact opposite of me, i have no idea what i'm doing. at this very moment i have completely forgotten what i'm writing about because i got sidetracked thinking about how we should never stop trusting Jesus because He seriously always knows what He's doing.)<br />
ok anyway, back to Jesus and the road to sanctification. <br />
so like i said, Jesus gives us hard things to do. the truth is that being a Christian, should be a hard thing to do and i think in the past few months i have seen that come alive. it's not like i'm being persecuted for my faith, i'm not being thrown in jail, but the reality is that everyday i too must pick up my cross and follow after Him.<br />
Lately that has meant leaving behind, well, myself. I have most recently been faced with the wretchedness of my own sin and depravity. Jesus has allowed me to catch a glimpse of just how terrible of a person i am. how selfish, prideful, needy, power/attention hungry and all around messy i am. so, yea, that's been fun.<br />
all of this has required me to face those demons head on.<br />
i would say that for the about 6 months i let myself live in this weird state of fear, denial and panic because i could see the life that Jesus was calling me to, ahead of me, and i could see the life that my sin nature had always dreamed of fading away in the rear view mirror. for months i was doing everything i could to stall, to not necessarily turn the car around and run the other way, but just throw it in reverse to buy a little time before letting go. why? because i'm a creature of fear. i'm scared to throw myself into the abyss, and i know i'm beating a dead horse here, because i've written about fear approx. 1,000 times, but i guess its like, a pretty big part of my journey with Jesus and i think it gives Him glory when we speak freely about the sins that He uproots, piece by piece, overtime. He is faithful.<br />
Anyway. i've been scared. scared of what's ahead and what's behind. scared to tell Jesus that it's ok for my dreams to be void if they don't align with His "good, pleasing and perfect will". scared to let go of my desire to be recognized, respected and successful. scared to live a life that doesn't line up with the expectations and values of society. i never knew that those were things i wanted, and now i see that they became things that i needed. they took the place of my Savior. what's worse is that i simply let myself get there. one fear turned into two fears, which turned into a semester of inward focus on all that i couldn't let go. i know that the future Jesus has called me to is ministry, and most likely church ministry. this realization has caused the longest, most annoying battle between the head and the heart. the head saying "abigail, are you crazy? where will that get you in life? you just spent thousands of dollars on a college education and now you're not even going to use your degree? you've lost it." and my hear saying "but abbie, this is the passion that Jesus has placed in you, for His name, His people, His body. there is no other future for you, this is it. don't walk away from the one thing that brings you true joy. don't walk away from your love."<br />
so obviously the struggle to let go and fall into my post grad identity of college ministry intern at fellowship has been quite the israeli/palestinian conflict. the rational, logical choices for my future have been blitzed by the persistence of Jesus and His great will, and for a solid 6 months, it's safe to say i was doing everything i could shift the course. <br />
<br />
But boom, just like that, the veil was torn and the Son of Man arose from the grave, putting death to death, wiping away the tears from every eye, and putting fear to rest. He came to save me not only from the fear of death, but from the fear of life. Not the fear of living, but the fear of a life lived FOR HIM. you see, i know that i'm never truly living unless i'm living in total obedience to Him, but satan tells me to fear that life. guys. that life is the <u>only</u> life.<br />
i don't want my life to make sense to the world, i want the love of Christ to be the only explanation. <br />
i want my life to be 100% His, today, tomorrow, forever.<br />
for as long as i am on this dry and cracked earth i want my every step to glisten with the light of the Son. i don't want to dampen it's glow with my fears and insecurities.<br />
i want to be insignificant for His namesake, never fearing a life without recognition, because my reality is the glory that is to come.<br />
i want to live a life of reckless abandon, never giving this world a second glance.<br />
and as for fear? well, i will choose every single day to have no fear, because i wasn't made for that.<br />
neither were you, dear reader.<br />
freedom is a choice.<br />
choose wisely.<br />
<br />
abbie. <br />
<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-34225725797586291162013-01-06T13:56:00.002-08:002013-01-07T09:35:07.255-08:00Exhibitionso i have this little brother, and let me tell you he is truly a gem, and also not that little, he is in fact 18 years old and 4 inches taller than me. size aside, he is quite possibly the greatest little brother that a girl could ask for. of course we've had our fights, and then more fights, and probably a few more sprinkled here and there, but what siblings don't? Zach is so wonderful and has grown into an amazing man, who loves the Lord so much and pursues Him daily. He is an amazing individual and i love seeing the talents and abilities that the Lord has given Him, ones that are so different from anyone else in the family, and are so fantastic. He is wise and kind and genuine and funny and has really good taste in music. i cannot imagine life without him living it with me. <br />
<br />
Yet as i think about my dear, sweet brother there is one childhood memory that resonates. Actually it still makes me laugh so hard that i get watery eyed. Zach if you're reading this i hope you don't mind me sharing this story. it's just too good. <br />
so when Zach was about 2 years old, making me 5 and Michael 8, our mother would occasionally leave us at home alone when she would run errands. This one time Michael and I decided it would be funny if we trapped Zach on the balcony, stole his clothes(he was quite the exhibitionist anyway), and played a sort of monkey in the middle, where Zach is on the balcony, naked, while Michael and i were on the first floor below tossing his clothes back and forth to each other over the balcony. Obviously this was a mean game. totally unfair to the naked two year trying to hold to a shred of his dignity. The first time we played this game Michael and I laughed, hard, while Zach cried. But the next we played the game something changed, instead of getting angry and crying, naked Zach decided to make the most of the situation. This came in the form of him pretending like the balcony was a runway, and his little body strutted up and down that hall. He owned it and that image is the one that lives in my memory as one of the funniest moments of my childhood. Zach took a fairly unfortunate situation and made it new. He could have screamed(we wouldn't have listened), he could have tried to fight back(in vain), he could have told on us(only making us want to get back at him), but no, he took the moment and made it his own. The memory is no longer about what Michael and I did, even though our part was the initial joke, it is now about what Zach did, which is infinitely more funny than what his conniving older siblings did.<br />
<br />
the more i think about this memory though the more i realize that Zach taught me something that day. you see there is a really extraordinary quality that naked baby Zach embodied in those moments of our childhood. in a big way zach chose joy in a situation which he had no control over. i have this tendency to be a control freak. i love plans. i tend to think that my way of doing things is best and my ideas and plans are superior to others. i especially love for things to go according to plan, but God in His great graces rarely allows that to happen to me, actually i think i can safely say that things never go according to plan in my life. It's taken me years to realize that this is a display of God's grace and love and even more years to begin to release my anaconda squeeze on my agenda.<br />
Things don't go the way that i want them to very often and every time i lose control of a situation i have two options, self pity or joy.<br />
knee jerk reaction? self pity. grovelling. giving up. storming out. fighting God.<br />
what zach taught me? own it.<br />
My little brother has no idea that he taught me this, but he showed me that even though it's hard, when we are faced with circumstances beyond our control, we can choose joy. we can choose to make the most. we can choose to change our reality. Sure he was still naked on a balcony, but this time his brother and sister weren't laughing at him, we were laughing with him. he made it new.<br />
<br />
That being said, in case no one noticed it's a new year. a time for change and resolutions. <br />
this year i want to try something new. Instead of approaching life with a vice grip on my plans and struggling everyday to "let go and let God", i want to spend my year as an exhibitionist of the heart, stripped down with open hands ready for the Lord to send whatever He wants my way. Somethings will be good, somethings will be hard, but all of them can be joyful if i choose joy. i want to be that toddler on the balcony laughing at the days to come, embracing that which i have no control over. turning the difficult into the beautiful, the joyful, the memorable. <br />
<br />
this year i resolve to choose joy.<br />
this year i resolve to be an exhibitionist.<br />
<br />
thank you zach. <br />
thank you for choosing Jesus.<br />
<br />
-abigail. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the goals of 2013</td></tr>
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Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-68930326198445438722012-12-05T22:24:00.001-08:002012-12-05T22:24:37.399-08:00smashed fingersWhen i was 8 years old my thumb got smashed in a door. really smashed. over the next weeks my thumbnail proceeded to go through all shades of bruising and eventually, to my dismay, it fell off.<br />
now this whole, smashing my finger in the door thing was not at all the worst pain that i have felt, in comparison to the various breaks and sprains and surgeries i've had over the years, the smash was minor, but what it did was major.<br />
you better believe that after that one smashed thumb, my awareness of hand placement on doors and door frames was raised exponentially. Since then i can only think of two other times that i have smashed my finger(s) in a door...and its been 13 years.<br />
well one of those times was just the other day. i was leaving my house to run some errands and obviously rather than grabbing the door knob to shut the door i decided that it would be better to just grab the door itself. this resulted in my not being able to get my hand out of the way fast enough and smashing my pointer finger, hard, between the door and frame. the moral is that i am an idiot. do not do as i do. there is a good reason that some genius invented door knobs, but i didn't get the memo.<br />
<br />
the point to all of this is that my smashed finger got me thinking. when i was just a kid, something as small as the pain of a smashed finger drastically changed my actions. i stopped placing my hands in a position where they could potentially be injured. to dramatize it, that smashed finger changed my life, but it wasn't even a big deal.<br />
then i thought about Jesus.<br />
once we are justified and in the midst of progressive sanctification Jesus doesn't want every refinement of our sin to cause us to hit rock bottom. Sure, we are going to sin, cause we're foolish and selfish and prideful, but Jesus is trying to pull us further up and further in. He is a gentle Savior who loves us and doesn't want us to suffer from severed limbs as we travel the straight and narrow, but He has to mold us somehow.<br />
In my social psychology class my professor always talks about how the best form of discipline is moderate, enough to make an impact but not enough to cause rebellion or terror.<br />
This is just like a smashed finger. As we strive to live for Jesus in a world of muck, we are sometimes going to chose our nature rather than our Savior. And Jesus in His great graces allows us to smash our fingers in our sin and walk away virtually unscathed, but with a new perspective of ourselves and His Deliverance. Jesus is made great through smashed fingers because we get to see His grace in the process of making us look less like us and more like Him. from a human perspective, we sin we should be instantly condemned, or at least badly maimed. But instead Jesus covers the sin and allows us to feel the sting without the lasting pain.<br />
The way that Jesus does this the most in my life is by allowing me to be embarrassed by my sin, especially by my pride. He knows me well enough to know that i don't respond well to criticism, but i do respond well to humiliation. nothing makes me want to crawl under a rock and die like being humiliated. Therefore Jesus lets me think i'm all that for just a little bit and then BAM the door slams right on the fingers of my pride. and it stings. a lot. the sting is bad enough to drive me back to Him, and significant enough to cause me to never want to act in that particular area of my pride ever again. Yet it is never bad enough to make me grovel in pity and become more selfish, or become angry from the pain. The smashed finger just sends me running back to Jesus, with a moderately painful lesson learned.<br />
<br />
Jesus is really good like that. He has been so kind to allow me to learn from little mistakes and shortcomings, rather than hitting rock bottom. But the job is ours, we must be willing to learn from the little things in order to avoid the big things. We are called to flee from temptation, not constantly flirt with the boundaries, because the farther you push the boundary of sin, will only result in being further away from the Healer, leading to a painful journey back. Jesus is waiting with open arms to comfort us either way, but how much better is to spend a day healing a smashed finger, than spend weeks or months or years healing a broken back? And how much more beautiful to have just the memory of pain rather than the scars to remind us of everyday of our sin? Certainly we all have scars from our lives before Christ, but once we have received our Savior, why continue inflicting such pain? Jesus is ready to teach and heal and renew. He is ready to refine, but we must be willing to suffer the temporary sting for the eternal joy of being more like Him.<br />
next time Jesus let's a particular door close on your fingers, let it be the last time. Feel the sting. Learn the lesson. Look to Him. He is good.<br />
<br />
abbie. Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-42953463477836448432012-11-26T12:03:00.002-08:002012-11-26T13:08:56.383-08:00bear cubdear bear cub,<br />
someday you will grow up.<br />
someday you will realize the reality of the beauty and pain of this wood.<br />
someday you will be beaten and broken.<br />
someday your mother will no longer wipe your tears and mend your wounds.<br />
someday your father will no longer be your provider.<br />
those tasks will become your own. those responsibilities will rest on your shoulders.<br />
but my dear, that day is far away.<br />
today you are a cub, you are a child.<br />
today you are brimming with life and innocence and freedom.<br />
today you are pure.<br />
my cub, live fully.<br />
run. play. explore. imagine. dream.<br />
dream today, before the world becomes limited.<br />
dream today, while your heart still believes in magic.<br />
dream today, while there is still light before your eyes.<br />
today allow the world to be beautiful and limitless and good.<br />
tomorrow the world may grow dark and try to swallow you.<br />
but never forget the world you saw today, the world of light and love and magic.<br />
someday the wolves will taunt you. they will<br />
tell you that that world, your world does not exist. that it is nothing but a childish dream.<br />
pay no mind to their pique.<br />
when you reach the dusk, don't forget the things your young eyes saw at dawn.<br />
the rivers and streams which once provided for you, will grow choppy and the waters will rise.<br />
but my dear, you know how to swim, even if the best you can do is keep your head above the water, you must never give in.<br />
today your eyes are fresh.<br />
they have yet to see the shadows that lie beyond the cave.<br />
always remember that this world was made for you.<br />
made for you to love and delight in.<br />
even when the darkness creeps in, the light promises to return.<br />
the night will end.<br />
the day will break.<br />
the darkness will not last forever.<br />
take heart my cub.<br />
today is closing.<br />
your someday is drawing near.<br />
your eyes will see the dark, but they must never loose their glimmer.<br />
for the protector of the wood will return.<br />
He will bring with Him the light of the day.<br />
He will take you from the turbulent waters.<br />
He will carry you on His shoulders, up to the mountain of mercy.<br />
He will keep you and protect you.<br />
you will be His cub. forever.<br />
keep your eyes on the mountain my cub.<br />
your help is on His way.<br />
<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-79036372152802906882012-11-21T22:37:00.001-08:002012-11-21T22:46:39.989-08:00tears of joy and tears of paini think that thanksgiving is an interesting holiday.<br />
on the one hand it is a beautiful idea, one day out of the year that people are supposed to think about all of the blessings in their lives...well at least until 9pm, when we start throwing elbows in Target to get our hands on a season of Glee for $13. But for at least 12 hours, we are thankful.<br />
on the other hand, thanksgiving makes me kind of sad. especially this thanksgiving.<br />
you see, 6 months ago one of my best friends, and honestly the funniest girl i know, lost her mother to cancer. the truth is that it's hard to say much about that time, Roxanne was and is an incredible woman, she loved the Lord with a passion that was contagious. she cared for the heart of every single person that she met, not because she was such a people person, but because she loved Jesus and that love flowed out of her so beautifully and freely. Everyone who met Roxy loved her, especially me. she is an inspiration. she was a perfect model of what it looks like to live your life with little regard to yourself, all for the glory of Jesus. not only did she leave a legacy through her impact on my life, and the lives of those who love her, but she left a legacy through her children, Travis, Bobby, and Tiffany. These three are incredible and watching them trust the Lord through such a painful and confusing time has done nothing but strengthen my faith and deepen my trust. But man is she ever missed. The struggle deepens when you stop and think about how Tiffany and the rest of the Clement/Pennington family is not the only family going through this kind of loss this thanksgiving...or any thanksgiving for that matter.<br />
The thing about thanksgiving is that we are supposed to be thankful for what we have, but what about the times when thanksgiving comes and we don't feel very thankful?<br />
The truth is that there are many truths.<br />
First off, the truth is that we are all hurting. we have all loved and lost and cried and begged and forgotten and remembered and wished that everything was the way it used to be. sometimes 365 days is just enough time to change everything. and sometimes i think that pain might be too much for us to get past. we are broken. we are disappointed. we are hurting. we are tired. we are confused. we are everything but truly thankful.<br />
Secondly, the truth is we all have cause to be thankful. you're thinking "yea. i know, we're all blessed to have homes and food and black friday." but i don't think we really understand gratefulness.<br />
we don't get it. i don't get it.<br />
this brings me to my final truth.<br />
we are all called to "consider it pure joy my brothers when we face trials of various kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance" and why are we called to persevere? because when we let "perseverance finish its work that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing"(John 1:2-4)<br />
you see, the thing is that thanksgiving isn't about sitting around a table with your napkin in your lap, telling the extended family that you're thankful for the straight A's you got, or your new puppy. None of that matters in the long run anyway. the truth is that i think thanksgiving is all about tears of joy and tears of pain. it's about looking at the last 365 days and realizing that a lot of them were great and a lot of them were awful, but most of them were just days. its about counting up the good days and the not so good days and then thanking God that He let you see the sunrise and set on each of them. I don't think that God wants half hearted thankfulness that we offer because a story book tells us that a bunch of pilgrims and indians did it hundreds of years ago...and for the record, the pilgrims and indians had crappy lives. we have lost sight of how we should be thankful to be given the great privilege and responsibility of living this one wild and beautiful life.<br />
<br />
so cry on thanksgiving. cry because you've had 365 days of joy and pain and fear and struggle and laughs and memories and loss and gain and more than anything you've had 365 days of life. and that my friends is reason enough to be thankful.<br />
<br />
Happy Thanksgiving friends...eat some turkey, watch some football, and then go and stiff arm a soccer mom to get your hands on a 10 dollar memory foam bathmat. go buck wild folks. it only happens once a year.<br />
<br />
be grateful.<br />
christmas is in 34 days.<br />
-Abbie.<br />
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another reason to be thankful on this thanksgiving day. <br />
<br />
Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-38640255159170965642012-11-09T11:26:00.000-08:002012-11-09T11:44:42.730-08:00Bruce LeeBack in the '60s when Bruce Lee began his film career, filmmakers
were met with an unfortunate issue. Back in the day video cameras could
only capture 60 frames per second, the problem was that Bruce Lee moved
so quickly that the frames could not catch him. His moves literally got
missed because he moved to fast for them to be picked up on film. So
what was the solution? Bruce had to <i>slow down.</i> He was moving to
fast. He could not be appreciated for his skill, because of his
extraordinary speed. Now anymore that would not be a problem, due to
technology, but Bruce Lee didn't live in the 21st century. He lived in a
world that forced him to take his skill and slow it down so that people
could see and appreciate his incredible, super human abilities. <i>Slow Down. </i><br />
So.
There is actually a point to this. Ever since i learned this fun Bruce
Lee fact it has stuck with me, the idea of him being unable to be
captured by a camera has always been so beautiful and amazing. But over
time it has evolved in its meaning to me and i now face a tough lesson
that hinges on the words "slow down...you're moving to fast, frames
can't catch you when you're moving like that".<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span id="goog_1198445316"></span><span id="goog_1198445317"></span>A big part of my
nature is that i am extremely driven. the feeling of completion is unparalleled. i love knowing that i got the job done. in fact the act of getting the job done is one of my very favorite things in the world. The words "well done my good and faithful servant" are beautiful to me because they signify a closing. But these beautiful words are twisted in my mind, and obviously the way i have perceived them for years is wrong, because God's purpose and understanding is extremely different than mine.<br />
It wasn't until recently that i
realized that my vision is skewed. my perception of the way life works
is painfully incomplete. i went to Colorado with two of my very best
friends at the end of the summer and while i was there the Lord used
them to show me that i am missing out on a vital part of who He has made
me to be. On a hike near Pikes Peak we had a discussion about the
phrase "life's about the journey, not the destination". My dear Karly
was saying how when she does things, or goes places it is not about
getting to where she is going, but enjoying the getting there. It hit me
hard. i am all destination, no journey. i delight not in the road along
the way, but the actual arrival. the sense of completion that comes
with arriving. i realized i love adventure because i love knowing that i
completed another one. not because of the actual adventure. that fact
makes me sad. really sad.<br />
i realized that i am in a full on sprint through life.<br />
In my extremism i decided that i never needed to slow down, if you keep going you don't have to worry about assessing the damage, you just throw it to the side and press on. That's really not
always bad, but it's kind of bad. it's bad when it's all that i am. i've just always wanted to fly through all things. i've want God to
teach me things as quickly as possible, so i can learn them and move on
to the next lesson. i want to speed through the hard times. i want to
speed through the suffering. i want to speed through the emotions. <b>i want to keep moving.</b> as i write i realize that i sound like a nike commercial. the mentality of an athlete really is a good way to put it.<br />
But now. it is time to change.<br />
it
is funny to see how God, in His grace appeased that longing in me,
because it truly was the best way i could love Him. i wanted Him so
badly during that time that tunnel vision was the only way i could see,
just a dead sprint towards Him, ignoring all else and flying through
everything He gave me. That was great for then, but it seems that He's
asking me for a change of pace. This involves rewiring me, deep within. i
very literally am a sprinter. physically thats what i am. it's what i
ran in track. exertion of intense amounts of energy for short distances.
it's what i do. but woops. it's not about me. it's about Him. and the
fact is He does it all. He made it all. He loves it all. Therefore if i
want a heart like His i must be willing to change.<br />
It's like
Jesus is saying, "ok kid, time to harness that energy and learn how to
maintain it, you've got a long road ahead and you gotta learn how to go
the distance."<br />
that's a lot. but guys, it's so exciting!<br />
He's saying, SLOW DOWN. you're moving too fast.<br />
I
am missing out on the beauty of the sustenance of Jesus. For so long i
have blown through the struggles and never had to see a drawn out
struggle. But between health issues and other various things outside of my control, He is beginning to show me that much like Rome, my story cannot be built in a day.<br />
Part of my slowing down is
slowing down and taking time to feel. I went through a really dry period
of an extreme of thinking i had lost all capacity to feel. Granted i
could still feel compassion, but other than that i was emotionally dry.
That was from Lord, trust me, He was teaching me that that my faith is
built on nothing but TRUTH. He was removing emotion so that i would
learn that my relationship with Him has nothing to do with emotion or
circumstance. But now that phase is seemingly complete and Jesus is
reintroducing me, or maybe introducing me for the first time, to my
heart. to His heart. He seems to be asking me to slow down and feel
deeply. This is a wonderful beautiful lesson, that has been met with
many tears and lots of joy. it is perfect timing. He is teaching me
everyday that i can both trust in Him and His plan completely, but at
the same time i can be sad that one chapter of my life is coming to a
close. The chapter that is full of childhood freedom. Full of cell group
and school days and new life ranch. my days of endless summer are nearly over. and that my friends. is sad. and you know what? it's ok. it's ok for me to be sad about it. God gave it to me as a gift, a beautiful, wonderful gift from Him, and now He's giving me something else. And He's teaching me that i can be both excited about the new, and sad about the old. and that's ok.<br />
I thank Him that this, my senior year of college, is the year that He's telling me to slow down. I don't want to miss a second of the next 6 months...but then really i don't want to miss a second of the rest of my life by being caught up in reaching the finish line.<br />
it's all just a delicate balance i suppose. and every single day Jesus is opening my eyes to that balance and showing me how He does it perfectly. Jesus lived, really lived, every moment of His life on earth, even though He knew exactly when it would be over, and exactly how it would end, He never lost sight of that. And yet, He still lived. I'm beginning to think that is the reason that only the Father knows the real end, because He wants us to learn to really live everyday, even when we don't have a deadline. thats a thing of beauty and grace and sovereignty and perfection.<br />
He is so far beyond anything we could ever ask or imagine, and the more i know Him, the more i realize that. <br />
When i get to the end of this wild, absurd, hilarious, heartbreaking, beautiful life He will say "well done My good and faithful servant" but not because i just made it to the end; life is not a board game where you get accolades for completion. He will say it because i persevered when it would have been easier to keep sprinting. He will say it because He helped me learn to be more like Jesus and less like me. He will say it because i slowed down and <i>really lived</i> the life that He expertly and beautifully orchestrated for me in the middle of His master plan. He will say it because HE is good and faithful, and i am His.<br />
<br />
if Bruce Lee could learn how to slow down for a camera, i think Jesus can teach me how to slow down for Him.<br />
cheers to life.<br />
may we live fully and soak in the full spectrum of His creation. the beautiful. the sad. the absurd. the mundane. the extreme. all of it. <br />
It truly is a wonderful life. and it's time to start living it.<br />
<br />
-abbie.<br />
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Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-88818727114366095172012-10-09T23:38:00.004-07:002012-10-10T07:18:04.082-07:00if at first you don't succeed. here's the ultimate tell into the psyche of abbie lay: when i was a child my favorite phrase was "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again"<br />
in the eyes of a child this phrase was brilliant and powerful and brimming with potential. it told me that no matter how many times i screwed up, no matter how many times i failed, i could always pick myself up, dust myself off and simply try again. that eventually, i would get it right. as a kid this manifest itself in the fact that i was virtually fearless. i was bold and tenacious because i wasn't afraid of failure, i wasn't afraid to mess up because i had hope in trying again.<br />
some how in the unbridled craziness of life i lost that freedom, the freedom of a child. this strength turned backwards on itself. One of my greatest freedoms became ultimately my driving fear. if i am painfully honest, which mostly i hate doing, my biggest fear in life is failure. the idea of being unable to do something, of attempting to do something and not being able to, falling short, disappointing people, disappointing myself, disappointing God. all of it at times has had enough power of intimidation that it has debilitated me and kept me from experiencing the fullness of God's plan for my life.<br />
Well something terrifying happened this summer. i was placed in a position of leadership in which failure was not only inevitable but i was expected to welcome it. trial and error is not a process that i like to use, i prefer more of a one and done style. This past summer though in my position at New Life Ranch i was a part of team that was given the responsibility of planning, facilitating, and setting the tone for the large group activities at camp, along with other responsibilities. As i prepared for the summer i realized that my greatest struggle was going to be the fact that i was driven by fear, my fear of failing, my fear of disappointing my boss and the other people in my team, my fear of not being able to do the task that had been placed in front of me. The truth is that i wasn't trusting that God had chosen me for a purpose, i guess really i didn't believe that God could use me to do it. i was both excited and terrified to face the summer. Thankfully though i serve a gracious, faithful God who chooses broken, stupid people to use to do His work. He chose me. and that was the truth that i had to trust. Over the course of the summer the Lord began to break through my fortress of fear and show me that not only did it not matter is i failed or succeeded, but that true success didn't lie in my hands anyway, success at summer camp was not dependent upon how well Abbie Lay could be a jr camp sal. How prideful of me to even allow myself to entertain the thought that any part of the eternal value and success of camp has anything to do with me, i am nothing but a vessel.<br />
Anyway as God began to strip me of my fear of failure, which did involve failures and screwing up, He soothed the burns with gifts and blessings that i didn't even know i was capable of manifesting. God proved Himself to be so faithful to me once again and all i had to do was stop looking at me and turn to look at Him.<br />
Now, fast forward 2 months and you'll find me here. 9 weeks into the fall of my senior year of college. Once again allowing this fear of failure to begin to creep back in, completely forgetting the faithfulness of Jesus, i am such a painful picture of Israel. what was i saying? oh yes, so here i am. 21 years old. facing my impending doom...a.k.a graduating from college, and once again i start to fear failure, but this time it's not fear of failing man, but it's more a fear of failing God. a fear of not finishing well. i have this problem of extremism where i want to do everything and i want to invest myself into it fully. this is not possible or healthy or what God is calling me to do. in fact, God is really only calling me to do one thing, and once again by His unfailing love for me He has revealed to me(for the millionth time) what that one thing is.<br />
As a follower of Jesus Christ the one command i am called to is to love the Lord my God. He is not standing at the end of a dark corridor saying "if you can just make it to the end, I'll hold you once you get there", and He is not standing behind me pushing me along, saying "ok, just keep pressing through, suck it up and keep going". no, today the creator of the universe is standing right beside me saying "come unto Me...and I will give you rest"(Matthew 11:28). Not, "come to me tomorrow and i will give you rest", not "come to me in 3 months and i will give you rest", but simply "come unto Me, and I will give you rest". Today. He is calling me to come to Him TODAY. all He wants is for me to come into His open arms. Jesus is so patient. those arms never close. that invitation never expires. He is always standing, waiting patiently for our love. Thats's all the Savior of mankind wants, all He wants is to be loved by us. WHAT? He wants MY love?<br />
The beauty is that He cares about my love for Him. He doesn't care about my works, He knows that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own and that my worldly successes are all eternal failures. Literally the #1 thing He is asking for is our love and devotion. Jesus wants us folks. This is a big deal. The thing is that Jesus is teaching me that the thing that is the most important to Him is that above all else my heart belongs to Him. That daily I am choosing Him over the world, over myself. That every single day I am flying my flag of surrender, waiving my rights to myself, and saying to Him that no matter what other desires exist in my heart, my one consuming passion, my one driving force is HIM. He is it. the beginning, the end, the in-between. He is all. end of discussion.<br />
Sure, all of this sounds simple, but the nature of the beast is selfishness. and no matter how much i may desire perfection, that is not what i've been given. I at my core am a sinner saved by grace. One who still suffers the from the fall of man, but who now has the opportunity to choose Jesus. The chance to say "You, Jesus, are worth more to me than myself, because I was worth more to You than Yourself." Why would I not want to surrender to that every single day? No matter how many times I hear that same truth I pray that it never stops astonishing me with its beauty and enormity.<br />
<br />
Today, dear friends, i challenge you to remember "the invincible, unconquerable, unwearying patience of Jesus---'come unto Me'.".(Chambers)<br />
<br />
-abbie.<br />
lastly, brothers. beards. banjos. enjoy. <br />
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<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-14351889710233180192012-06-11T12:13:00.000-07:002012-06-11T12:13:09.530-07:00rocketmanguys, news flash, God is so cool.<br />
so i've been at camp for roughly one month, i think i'm just 4 days shy of a full 4 weeks at NLR, which is great but the truth is i haven't had much time to process what i've learned and seen and experienced. Now i certainly am trying to keep up with the learning and processing in the moment, but realistically i get 5 hours of sleep a night and go non stop from the moment i rise till i go to sleep...so hard as i may try, my efforts may well be in vain. But that's what makes God so cool, He is faithful and awesome because although i may have no idea what i'm learning through my job at camp that doesn't mean that i'm not learning and that my mind isn't constantly swarming with thoughts and ideas and revelations about Him.<br />
<br />
This is all came about last Wednesday night, i was with my co SAL Jessica and the nurse's assistant Kaitlyn, it was like 11:30 p.m. and we were on a late night walmart run to buy socks for a camper who had none and a new brush for a little girl who was being treated for lice(Lord save us all) and as we were driving away from the ranch Kaitlyn commented on how big the moon was, i kid you not the moment we looked at the moon we probably almost wrecked because we were so taken by its enormity and its beauty. The moon was huge and full and a fiery orange, i have never seen a moon so beautiful, so obviously we freaked out and started trying to figure out why it was that way, only to find that the lunar cycle was supposed to be a waning cresent, which i guarantee you, it was not. As we were talking about this miracle moon i made the comment that it was so extraordinary because the moon on its own is dull and ugly, it's nothing but a big rock in space, the only thing that makes it special is the light that it reflects from the sun. The glory of the moon is only possible because of the glory of another source.<br />
So theres this Phil Wickham song that says "if you are the sun then i want to be the moon" which tied in so beautifully with our lunar joy, but for the past 5 days those words have been seared into my brain. God is so cool because we on our own are dull and ugly, we have nothing to offer, no beauty, no wits, no wisdom, nothing new or original or creative or meaningful. We are the moon, we are nothing but masses, taking up space, but we have purpose, we have an original source that shines it's brilliant light upon us and allows us to be the light in the darkness.<br />
<br />
Heres the other cool thing about that, ever since that day i have been seeing so many beautiful pictures of people in my life and the lives of my friends being the moon to the sun, that is Jesus Christ. you see, the Lord has but some truly incredible people in my life that very literally are the hands and feet of Christ to either myself or my friends. I have these friends who are in a relationship and she was describing to me how the boy had been so consistent in his pursuit of her since the very beginning, even when she waivered and pushed him away and needed breaks, he would allow it, but he never stopped caring for her and never stopped fighting for her...now i know that it's cheesy on the surface level, but the truth is Jesus is using that boy as a picture of Himself in my friends life. in reality that relationship isn't about two flawed people trying to work something out, it's about the Lord receiving glory, and the truth is that's what it's all about, this life on the surface may look cliche and standard, but realistically every word, every action, every moment of every day is about the Father receiving the glory that is due Him. He allows us to not only be image bearers, but glory bearers.<br />
He allows us to be the moon.<br />
Thank God that i am dull and ugly and invaluable.<br />
let me soak up the light, that i may be a light, reflecting Him in the dark.<br />
<br />
-abbie-<br />
*i just want to spend one day doing nothing but watching Downton Abbey and Arrested Development.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-31151094662856513632012-04-16T13:04:00.001-07:002012-04-16T13:04:47.156-07:00a spate of joy.I have had the feeling lately that pessimism has been allowed to reign and rule in me and though that is 100% who i am in this sinful flesh, it is a poor, poor representation of the life that Christ daily calls me to live. The truth is that i despise pessimism, nothing is worse than looking at a negative situation with a negative disposition. i mean really, why do we avoid hope when it lies directly before us every moment, waiting for us to simply cut the ties and jump aboard. there is certainly risk, but only the risk of finding that everything truly is going to be "ok" and we were wrong about it all along. how prideful we must be.<br />
That being said, i realize that i need to take more time to intentionally share the joys and beauties that God allows us, to remind us of His delight in bringing a smile to our faces; He loves us so much and wants this life to be a glorious adventure, not just a brutal battle. The fight is so much easier to bear with the truth that the calm follows the storm. God has once again proven Himself utterly faithful and, for lack of a more all encompassing word, loving.<br />
i am so undeserving of the love that He bestows upon me, but i would be a fool to not recognize that every single smile, every laugh, is an extraordinary gift coming straight from the Father to His fickle child. I simply cannot comprehend that, the extravagant love of my King. He has done great things.<br />
The past few days have been the fullness of the title of this post, a spate of joy.<br />
A "spate" is a sudden, almost overwhelming, outpouring. In this case it was a sudden outpouring of love, straight from Jesus, through some of my dearest friends and some friends who are now much more dear.<br />
<br />
i suppose that the most time effective way to do this would be to compile a concise list of the top 5 events of the past few days that showed me the Lord's gracious, loving kindness and His faithfulness to fill me up right as the cup is about to run dry.<br />
<br />
1. It began with a simple letter from a sweet New Life friend named
Lindsay. She had written a letter of both encouragement and of prayer
for me and my job at NLR this coming summer. i've given satan a lot of
leeway this semester and exposed my weaknesses to let him in and
completely tear down my trust in the sovereignty of God in placing me at
the Ranch for a purpose this coming summer. For the past few months i
have been in constant battle to move out of the realm of placing faith
in feeling, to placing faith in truth, and the truth is that God has a
plan and a purpose, and the Lord i think gave me that sweet note from
Lindsay to remind me that He really does have something at work that i
simply cannot yet see, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there.
Lindsay's letter beautifully set the stage for an altogether memorable
weekend.<br />
<br />
2. music & roadtrips. nothing soothes my soul like the open road and my ipod. thrown into this mix is the concert that i went to on Friday, The Avett Brothers...second time in a month. totally worth it. They are incredible.<br />
<br />
3. conversation. it's been awhile since i've had a conversation that made me want to learn. the truth is i really love learning and i really love reading and i got to have a conversation with some camp friends that made me want to go home and read every single one of the books that is on my list, and then read everything else. my desire to know Jesus grows infinitely with a particular group of friends that i have and i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that stimulate my mind and remind of why i love learning.<br />
<br />
4. Family. my sister just finished all the steps to becoming an LPC(licensed professional counselor) and i am so so proud of her! For the first time in quite some time we went out for a family lunch on Sunday, along with my brother in law's parents, and for the millionth time i was reminded of how incredibly blessed i am to have been born into my family. i cannot imagine me without them, each member has been such an integral part of who i am. it is such a lovely thing to see my family grow and develop and i could just cry when i think about how beautiful it is that each person in my family is truly looking like Jesus more and more everyday. astounding. Also my dad was nominated to be an elder at Fellowship, which brings so much joy to my heart. The Lord has so blessed my father's faithfulness and integrity. He is an amazing man and i am so thankful that i am his daughter. i pray that someday my children have a father that mirrors the Fatherly qualities of God as much as my own father does.<br />
<br />
5. humility. God has been humbling my heart a whole lot this past year and something that He has consistently done is give me opportunity and responsibility that i know i am completely unworthy of. this past sunday sweet Courtney Matthews and i were once again given the honor to talk to a group of high school seniors about what it looks like to love Jesus in college. The funny thing is that all i could think about the whole time was, it is only by the overwhelming grace of God that i have grown more and more in love with Jesus through the past 3 years of college. What's funny is that i know there is nothing right that i have done in college, all i have done is try my hardest to keep my eyes on the cross and it humbles me immensely to see how God has used that. its beautiful to look at a group of young girls and see hearts that are desiring to honor Christ with their college years. It is an altogether humbling to know that i have done absolutely nothing to get where i am today. Jesus is so faithful and wonderful. Gosh He is great.<br />
<br />
so yes, this was quite a spate of joy. and i wanted to share because i never want to overlook all of the joy that the Lord fills every single day with.<br />
if we simply take the time to see the ordinary as extraordinary we significantly alter our outlook. there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to open our eyes to the beauty.<br />
<br />
-abbie.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-58521283723578374872012-04-09T19:10:00.000-07:002012-04-09T19:10:16.645-07:00White FlagsI was listening to this song the other day called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlGPTwNRYtU" target="_blank">Lego House by Ed Sheeran</a> and it really got me thinking about Jesus and me and my heart. theres a line in the song that says:<br />
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"<br />
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.<br />
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it. <br />
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.<br />
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.<br />
and i've never felt freer.<br />
<br />
here are the facts:<br />
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)<br />
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)<br />
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)<br />
<br />
guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.<br />
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"<br />
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.<br />
<br />
-abbie.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-28517982892166484602012-03-24T23:12:00.002-07:002012-03-24T23:12:51.568-07:00the art of being ok.i feel that contentment is one of the trickiest practices to learn.<br />
our culture wires us from childhood to constantly be on the lookout for the next thing. i mean think about it, every single time i got a new barbie doll or polly pocket i was happy for about 24 hours, then boom, i was ready for a new one. it's been the same way with every cell phone i've had, every car, every article of clothing...basically it goes for everything, and that's truly sad.<br />
i think the problem is that we have exceptionally short attention spans. we sincerely delight in a good thing for a very little while and then we get tired of it and are ready to move onto the next thing.<br />
<br />
i've been thinking about this in conjunction with Jesus lately.<br />
i think contentment is another huge area that the world should see how Christ in us makes us different. the world tells us to be discontent, tells us to constantly be seeking new, but Jesus says "love Me and only Me". He tells us to not be led astray by the passions of the flesh and i sincerely think that a passion of the flesh is for new, that's why adultery and covetousness are issues...at least that's the way that i see it. but really, Jesus first asks us to be content with Him, and honestly this should be easy because nothing can compare to the perfection of our Savior, but sin creeps in and makes it complicated. we start to replace an infinite God, with finite pleasures. how messed up are we? we loose sight of the most perfect gift that we could ever receive and replace Him with the broken gifts of a broken world, our eyes get distracted by the glitter that covers up the filth. i pray that the light of the cross be brighter than the shimmer of the world.<br />
<br />
anyway, on the one hand we are constantly battling idolatry, yet we are simultaneously fighting against another beast that i believe fits into a completely different category. first we have discontentment in possession, the things we feel that we own which leads to the formation of idols, then we have discontentment in position...this is my struggle. i do well in an environment for a little while, but pretty darn quickly i'm over it and start itching for the next opportunity. now don't get me wrong i think that dreaming is vital, but at the same time taking advantage of the opportunity in which you have been placed is also vital, potentially more vital. personally i like change, i like the thrill of stepping into a new place where i don't know anyone and am free to begin anew, i always have. Here's the deal though, that's not always going to happen, sometimes we are going to be planted in one place for an unknown amount of time, for an unknown reason. For instance, right now i am at UofA and in fayetteville for a purpose that i would like to think is very specific and meaningful(and don't get me wrong i truly do love it), but at the same time my mind is currently in some sort of weird limbo. i want to be content and joyful where God has placed me, because i think that shows Him that i trust Him and desire to be where He wants me, but at the same time my heart is longing for adventure. big time. i want to pack up my car and drive my way into a new adventure. maybe the thing is that God is preparing my heart for a change, trying to detach me from NWA, or maybe its satan trying to weasel his way in and make me desire everything that's not here. Cause the truth is there are a lot of things in my path that i really love, a lot of things that tie my heart to the right now, like my family, my cell group, my dear friends, my crosslands, and NLR. Yet i keep catching my heart as it gazes longingly at the road map. i wish that it could focus on today, because heres my fear, that i will get so caught up in dreams that i miss out on the beauty of reality. cause it's happened before. i don't want to miss out on what Jesus is trying to teach me today. i know that He's got a plethora of things to teach me in NWA and i would hate to miss out on a single one...in fact, the art of being ok is probably one of those lessons, He is daily showing me that no matter where i am doesn't matter, as long i'm there with Him. that is the art of being ok folks. ii can always be ok, always be joyful, always be content, because of Jesus Christ. what beautiful truth. He is the one that makes my everyday worth living in. He is so good. the world will see Jesus through our ability to be ok no matter where we are, no matter what we have. <br />
<br />
Jesus. today help me to be ok.<br />
this world is not enough for me.<br />
<br />
abbie.Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-11836738363892432652012-03-16T08:54:00.001-07:002012-03-16T08:54:11.818-07:00cold hands (warm heart)that title has nothing to do with this post, it's just a line from a song that i really love by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNEkSBUaIYY" target="_blank">Brendan Benson</a>, the song isn't really a happy one, but it always makes me happy...cause i'm a weirdo.<br />
<br />
I thought i'd take a study break and let out some pent up creativity in the form of writing, yet i truly have zero inspiration, so i'll do a T5. those are fun.<br />
<br />
T1: today is the last day of school before spring break, and i only have one more class before i'm done, unfortunately i have a test, but hey, that means i'll get out early right? so its a win-lose-win.<br />
<br />
T2: I woke up at 6:30 this morning to make breakfast for some friends(we had family breakfast) and though i was horrified to get up at that time, i quickly realized that waking up at 6:30 is awesome. i feel so so good. i decided that i should always wake up that early. awesome.<br />
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T3: so heres a great thing. lately i've been really overwhelmed by my spanish class cause lets be honest, learning another language is difficult, especially since the english language is quickly becoming my specialty, i'm extremely english minded, and not wired for another language. Anyway i was sitting in class this morning and all of the sudden God hit me with a revelation that gave me a new love and appreciation for spanish. here it is: how amazing is it that there are more people that speak other languages than me, than there are that speak the same language as i do. and God speaks to all of them in their languages. He created every single language and dialect. what? that's so awesome and incredible. God is so stinking creative. i had never really thought about because i have a minimal appreciation for languages other than my own, but no God has shown me Himself in language, and because of that i kind of have a new love for it. He has been so faithful to help me get back into my love for learning and i am so thankful. If He made it, i should desire to know about it and love it. <br />
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T4: lately i have been thinking about my future husband, if the Lord has that in my future, and i've been thinking about how i'll probably never get married because i am the most boring human being on the planet. so folks if you know any banjo playing, bearded men who would be content to go to museums and watch documentaries and Tom Hanks films(specifically Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan films...but really i just like Tom a lot) and go on hikes and sit in coffee shops and read me books and take road trips for as long as we both shall live then send him my way. i'll snatch that boy before he realizes what he's getting himself into. my philosophy is never give them a chance to say no. but not really. maybe. <br />
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T5: music. that's another thing, kind of like language, that although i do not understand and am not wired for, i completely love. I love that God created people with brains that make and understand music. i've been listening to a lot of classical music lately and it just completely blows my mind to think about someone sitting down and composing a piece of music for an entire orchestra. i haven't even attempted any form music since i was in choir in the 8th grade, and i have never been able to read music, cause i just really don't understand it...kind of like math, but its always been something that has just amazed me and as i get older my appreciation of music, good music, has grown substantially. i love music. thank you Lord for music.<br />
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welp. that was fun.for me at least. glad i'm thinking deep today. blame it on the 5 hours of sleep.<br />
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-abbieAbbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8570876603972781940.post-24674759633799687932012-03-08T22:35:00.000-08:002012-03-08T22:44:27.918-08:00BIGSo i was listening to U2 the other day, this song called Kite and it says:<br />
I'm not afraid to die<br />
I'm not afraid to live<br />
And when I'm flat on my back<br />
I hope to feel like I did<br />
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These words really got me thinking about the life that I lead as a follower of Jesus Christ.<br />
the human tendency is to fear death, then all of the sudden you fall in love with Jesus and out of nowhere death becomes this kind of beautiful destiny. It turns into something that you no longer fear and suddenly, though it sounds odd, crave. Not in a morbid way, simply in the sense that you are so in love with Jesus and so out of love with this world that you naturally desire to be with Him, no fear in death.<br />
This brings up something interesting though that i have basically never, ever thought about. I'm no longer afraid to die, but am i not afraid to live?<br />
because if i'm really honest, i am afraid to live.<br />
something i would truly rather not admit, but quite frankly it's true.<br />
i mean really stop and think about what it means to truly LIVE for Christ. That's some heavy stuff.<br />
it's so much easier to just sit back and tell people that i'm just along for the ride, going with the flow, that i'm simply letting opportunity come.<br />
but what does that really mean? where is the risk in that?<br />
the goal of life is not to arrive safely at death. i know that's cheesy and probably super cliche, but there is so much truth behind those simple words. <br />
my life should not look safe. my life should not be lived in fear. It's just that there is so much joy in Jesus and so much joy in the anticipation of eternity, but this life can often times feel like such a daunting waiting time, such a period of patience and perseverance. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!<br />
I mean come on! have i ever even read the Bible? John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, I came that may have life and have it abundantly".<br />
I've never really thought about it this way, but Jesus isn't just talking about having abundant life in eternity, or abundant life free from sin(which obviously it means both of those things), but Jesus came that we could live fully, every single day, not live safely. This life is big and full of so much opportunity. i feel so silly writing these words because as i write them i can't help but think that i must be so far from Christ to not have thought about these things yet. i just think that i'm scared of living because of my fear of failure. fear of being the reason that someone doesn't see Jesus, being the reason that someone stays stagnant or complacent in their or being the reason that someone perceives scripture wrong. sure these fears are valid, but them ruling me is sick. them ruling me is not even me living in Christ. it's me living in sin and letting the devil grab hold of my heart and my weakness and my pride. yikes, that cuts.<br />
another fear is valuing the wrong things, putting my support and time into things that lack eternal value. but the truth is TONS of things can have eternal value, and no matter what we're doing can be and, if we're living in Christ, will be for the glory of the Father.<br />
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All i know is one thing. life is beautiful. think of the beauty in creation, across the board, that the Lord has created for us to delight in, to see Him in, to share with others, to serve Him with, and to steward back to Him. Gosh He has given us so much. So much to have fun with and take joy in and love. He's given us so many trails to run and mountains to climb, so many stars to gaze at and waves to splash in. So many tears to shed in laughter and pain, so many precious little hands to hold and many, many hands to let go of. we have battles to fight, some to win and some to lose, and some to lay to rest, because the journey was the important part, not the end result. we have sunrises and sunsets and dawns and midnights. we have 26 letters worth of endless possibilities. don't even get me going on all of the laughter that lies in this one wild and reckless life. lets laugh at the days to come and the one that we're in right now.<br />
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i guess this is nothing but a reminder to myself to take joy in this life. it's a gift, it's a delight, it's a once in a lifetime. Heaven will be beautiful and incomparable, but we get this one, limited time offer to bring the eternal to the present. I cannot wait for what's ahead, my heart dwells on eternity frequently, but the good and faithful servant that i want to be is one who does well with all that has been given. i don't want to miss out on this journey. i need to open my eyes to the opportunity that lies in every crevice of this life, instead of just looking for the chances that sparkle.<br />
this is a lot of my thoughts the past two days.<br />
dream big folks, for we have a BIG GOD. <br />
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-abbie.<br />
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<br />Abbie Layhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08350241644118980225noreply@blogger.com0