today i got a slap in the face. straight from Jesus. let me tell you this. it was the worst.
one of my least favorite things about myself is how quickly i loose sight of the depth of my sin. it is an ugly thing and when i say that i hate it i mean that i really, really hate it.
so the most recent form of conviction came through a couple very anxious weeks, some badly bruised feelings, and an attitude that could only be classified as the exact opposite of joy.
before i jump in though let me explain 2 things about myself that will help with this scenario:
1. my love language is the very self-centered "words of affirmation".
sometimes i absolutely hate the idea of love languages cause its so selfish, i feel like it screams "cater to me". anyway sadly what ministers to my heart the best is the one that i perceive to be the most selfish, but the truth is normally i find no pleasure in people affirming my appearance or possessions or personality, but i truly delight in the affirmation of my character because it is proof of the work of the Holy Spirit, but that can turn ugly, cause i pridefully take credit instead of deflecting the glory to the one who is worth affirming. trust me, i'm a mess.
2. when i get hurt or anxious/worried or frustrated, rather than acting on my emotions i have a tendency to simply shut down. i do a lot of internal battling and shut off emotionally from those around me...its a real problem. i would not recommend it as a coping mechanism. its weird and antisocial.(closet introvert.)
so. back to the point. i have been in a major funk lately. just over the past few weeks there's been some sort of weird internal struggle going on that i couldn't quite put my finger on, and its been making me crazy and moody. now another note is that when something is wrong i always want to figure out the root and then fix it. therefore i think that the Lord likes to let me try to figure it out and wait...and wait...and wait. and then boom, out of nowhere He hits me with it. that moment happened today. Over the last two weeks i have thought that i was upset because i felt like people were trying to manipulate me. then i thought that i was upset because i was feeling caged by the life that i currently lead. then today it all came like a wave. i was driving home, talking to my mom, apologizing AGAIN for being a crappy daughter and i was trying to explain to her what was wrong, and what came out looked something like this:
-i am hurt because i don't feel listened to
-i feel like everyone else's actions are being defended and justified, even if they're wrong and hurting me
-i feel like i'm always wrong and like no one believes me/trusts my word and opinion
-i don't feel valued
-i feel like nothing i say is received or respected
***i don't post these things as a cry for attention. please no. simply for transparencies sake, something i can always grow in***
now as you read these i hope that only one thing stands out to you:
SELFISHNESS.
honestly. look at that "i feel" "i'm hurt" "i don't feel".
it makes me sick.
so after i finished talking to my wonderfully patient and gracious mother i was just reflecting on the conversation and there in that moment Jesus just grabbed me and was like "abbie, you see what the real problem is don't you? you realize that all of this is your sinful nature bubbling to surface, attempting to consume you...and you're letting it. other people are not the problem. you are the problem."
yea. there it is. i'm not in a funk because of how people are treating me, or because i'm lacking positive affirmation. i'm weird lately for no reason other than ME. gosh. that absolutely tears me up. this is my fault.
so yea, that conviction happened and then my beautiful, faithful Savior followed it by speaking nothing but love and encouragement into my spirit.
i was sitting in my car thinking, ok, so i'm feeling undervalued by man, i'm feeling like everyone thinks that my opinions and ideas are worthless and wrong, i'm feeling like no one is listening to me. ok. now who else actually experience all of these things? Jesus. people undervalued Jesus. people didn't listen to Jesus. people sincerely believed that Jesus was wrong...and crazy. oh yea, and then they killed Him. so yea. that happened too. But in the midst of this i could hear Jesus whispering to me "abbie, you're looking at all of this like its a bad thing, like it means that you are worthless and ineffective. but let me tell you something, thats exactly what i looked like to the world, so maybe its a sign that you are starting to look more like me." what even.
loving Jesus looks so much different than we think.
it's a whole lot lonelier than we plan on. at least more lonely in the human sense.
but the more you know Jesus the more you realize that you would sacrifice anything for Him. people. affirmation. comfort. friendship. none of it matters. when it really comes down to the choice between the world and Jesus. the choice is simple. He is truly the only thing that matters. may i daily see that my sin is near and ugly. but that the grace and power and love of Jesus Christ is nearer still and it is truly beautiful. and it is the only thing in me worth affirming. He is truly all i need and sometimes the simple thought of that is too much for me to process. i cannot get past His greatness and my smallness.
I love Him so much that I can't breathe.
ab.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
i long to breathe
so this whole weekend i have been with the kids that i nanny and throughout the weekend the Lord has not missed a single opportunity to show me His glory in the midst of the craziness of life.
1. the nature of sinful man.
the 4 year old that i nanny has recently slipped into a phase of being extremely defiant and disobedient. a few of the things that he has been saying recently are things like "you're not the boss", "i can do whatever i want", and "i just want to make up my own rules".
now these are all things that i am confident that all of us have said in our lifetimes, but it truly has been awhile since i've been under the impression that i should be able to do whatever i want...first off because i have a pretty good view of the real world from where i stand. but also because i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i seem to have all to quickly forgotten what my heart looked like before the very Spirit of God was placed inside.
this is something i've been thinking about a whole lot recently, how much a heart is transformed when Christ enters in. that a heart cannot remain the same when Jesus ruins humans with His love.
anyway i have seen closely, and with much frustration, this weekend what it looks like to not fully know Jesus. now this little boy is blessed to be growing up with a mom and dad who do know and love the Lord and who pour that love back into him daily, and he knows who Jesus is, he knows the stories, but it really makes me think about the millions who have never heard the name of Jesus.
as sinful man we live in a constant state of frustration because we are living for ourselves. we are living for our way and our agenda. we are living for nothing. we never get what we want and we are always empty and unsatisfied. we are longing to breathe. to be set free from the chains that bind us to ourselves. to this broken land. we see the rocks around crying out, yet we know not the audience to whom they sing their foreign song.
this breaks my heart. to be reminded of the longing that exists in the hearts of so many. longing is inescapable. it is haunting. you never forget a longing and it can rarely be ignored. we all want something that we naturally do not have and what kills me the that they don't know that what they're searching for is the Lover of their soul. they don't know that He wants them even more than they want their greatest desire to be filled.
why don't we tell them more often?
2. the beauty of the birth of the Savior.
tonight i was reading this story to the four year old called "On a Silent Night" and it was quite obviously the story of Jesus' birth. yet what i didn't expect was to hold back tears while trying to read it to a child. the story was short and summed up the major points of the account in Luke. But here's the good part, at the end it had this little prayer that was saying how it had been a long time since the angels sang their holy song, yet we still know that the star that points to the throne, is the star that shines to capture our hearts.
that part is truly beautiful to my heart. to think that yes, it has been years and years and years since the angels sang the song that told the shepherds of the Savior being born. this is something that i cannot even process. the sky suddenly being filled with a host of those who dwell in the presence of the Most High. that's beyond my comprehension. you could truly never be the same.
back on track. think about how beautiful it is that the answer to the longing of our hearts came in the form of a baby. a wide eyed, helpless infant. God is so beautiful when i really stop and think about how He chose to send us His son. i mean really. the last thing the world would ever expect. the last thing the world would ever choose. that's exactly what the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth sent.
and not only sent, but sent with purpose, knowing full well how man would react to His Son. to Himself.
i long to breathe, but not this dense and defiled air. the air i breathe is soiled by the soot of the sin that man brought into this world. i long to truly breathe. i long to fill my lungs with the air that surrounds the throne of God. we are all longing to breathe the air that we were created to breathe.
abbie.
1. the nature of sinful man.
the 4 year old that i nanny has recently slipped into a phase of being extremely defiant and disobedient. a few of the things that he has been saying recently are things like "you're not the boss", "i can do whatever i want", and "i just want to make up my own rules".
now these are all things that i am confident that all of us have said in our lifetimes, but it truly has been awhile since i've been under the impression that i should be able to do whatever i want...first off because i have a pretty good view of the real world from where i stand. but also because i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i seem to have all to quickly forgotten what my heart looked like before the very Spirit of God was placed inside.
this is something i've been thinking about a whole lot recently, how much a heart is transformed when Christ enters in. that a heart cannot remain the same when Jesus ruins humans with His love.
anyway i have seen closely, and with much frustration, this weekend what it looks like to not fully know Jesus. now this little boy is blessed to be growing up with a mom and dad who do know and love the Lord and who pour that love back into him daily, and he knows who Jesus is, he knows the stories, but it really makes me think about the millions who have never heard the name of Jesus.
as sinful man we live in a constant state of frustration because we are living for ourselves. we are living for our way and our agenda. we are living for nothing. we never get what we want and we are always empty and unsatisfied. we are longing to breathe. to be set free from the chains that bind us to ourselves. to this broken land. we see the rocks around crying out, yet we know not the audience to whom they sing their foreign song.
this breaks my heart. to be reminded of the longing that exists in the hearts of so many. longing is inescapable. it is haunting. you never forget a longing and it can rarely be ignored. we all want something that we naturally do not have and what kills me the that they don't know that what they're searching for is the Lover of their soul. they don't know that He wants them even more than they want their greatest desire to be filled.
why don't we tell them more often?
2. the beauty of the birth of the Savior.
tonight i was reading this story to the four year old called "On a Silent Night" and it was quite obviously the story of Jesus' birth. yet what i didn't expect was to hold back tears while trying to read it to a child. the story was short and summed up the major points of the account in Luke. But here's the good part, at the end it had this little prayer that was saying how it had been a long time since the angels sang their holy song, yet we still know that the star that points to the throne, is the star that shines to capture our hearts.
that part is truly beautiful to my heart. to think that yes, it has been years and years and years since the angels sang the song that told the shepherds of the Savior being born. this is something that i cannot even process. the sky suddenly being filled with a host of those who dwell in the presence of the Most High. that's beyond my comprehension. you could truly never be the same.
back on track. think about how beautiful it is that the answer to the longing of our hearts came in the form of a baby. a wide eyed, helpless infant. God is so beautiful when i really stop and think about how He chose to send us His son. i mean really. the last thing the world would ever expect. the last thing the world would ever choose. that's exactly what the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth sent.
and not only sent, but sent with purpose, knowing full well how man would react to His Son. to Himself.
i long to breathe, but not this dense and defiled air. the air i breathe is soiled by the soot of the sin that man brought into this world. i long to truly breathe. i long to fill my lungs with the air that surrounds the throne of God. we are all longing to breathe the air that we were created to breathe.
abbie.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
at a loss
I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
I Need Words
David Crowder Band.
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
I Need Words
David Crowder Band.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
what is my life?
a window into my life(then maybe you'll understand this title):
i am laying in my bed in the darkness
computer in my lap
listening to Nat King Cole
literally clutching My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, seriously its under my arm. what?
also i am currently marveling over the phenomenon known as glasses...
****lets take a short break from the point to talk about how great glasses are. they create a way for the visually impaired, like myself, to see just as well as the best of them. seriously. i have had glasses since i was four(i was that kid) and even though on a daily basis i hate them for hurting my ears and taking up room on my face, or never fitting quite right, i still am thankful for them daily, because without them any face that wasn't less than 15 feet away would look something like a death eater so thank God for glasses.
anyway, back to the point.
my life has really been something of a whirlwind lately.
i'll be real honest in telling you that for a while i felt as if i was spiraling into a future of unwanted adulthood, an adulthood that is inevitable and daunting. i am just as afraid of adulthood as the next lost boy. i may play it cool, like i really like responsibility. but lets be real. growing up is scary stuff. especially the feeling of independence, i would love to act like i am freed by the idea of independence, like there is nothing on earth more attractive than taking the world by storm all on my own...but its not. its terrifying.
now many may argue, "but abbie, you won't be on your own, you've got Jesus" and yes this is true. but this is a revelation or rather epiphany that had to come to me(for the millionth time) on its own. you can't force that.
sometimes i fall into the false mentality that God is holding out on me. that theres a world out there that He's not letting me see because He doesn't trust, or because He wants to deprive me of so that i will only see Him. THIS IS SO STUPID OF ME. what the what? sometimes i surprise even myself...ok actually daily i surprise myself with my stupidity. i "pride" myself on my rationality(actually in high school my small group that i had been with since 4th grade named me "most rational" in the group...again, what the what?), and where is the rational in any of that thinking? lets not even pretend like God is a God of deprivation or forced faith. the devil likes to plant those lies in my head though, and all too often i open the door and invite him in for tea.
So you can see that my mentality for the past few months has been absolutely shot, leaving me feeling worthless and inadequate and apathetic...apathy is my all time least favorite feeling. it is the worst. for anyone who knows me, i love to get behind a cause and dream and plan and hope...that has all been missing. but then BOOM. God blew my apathy wide open.
now sit back and let this soak in for a second, or an hour, or perhaps a lifetime...cause thats probably what it will take:
"God never coerces us. In one mood we wish He would make us do the thing, and in another mood we wish He would leave us alone. Whenever God's will is in the ascendent, all compulsion is gone. When we choose deliberately to obey Him, then He will tax the remotest star and the last grain of sand to assist us with all His almighty power." Oswald Chambers.
are you following that? cause that was pretty much the Lord looking me in the eyes and saying "ab, just take my hand, cause when you do the entire universe is yours. not because you deserve it. not because you gained it by taking my hand. but because i delight in you. and through you taking My hand I will be made great. just TRUST me."
seroiusly. i can hear it so clearly. "come unto Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
unless this is your first time reading my blog you are probably sick of hearing the same sh-peal over and over again, cause i am constantly learning and re-learning this very lesson, but i couldn't pick a better lesson to re-learn. God's grace and unconditional love. God's power and perfect goodness. ok, sign me up.
All that to say God tore the roof off my life and now i'm letting you peek inside. not because its great or interesting. but because He's great and interesting and He's got a pretty significant hand in my life...like the whole thing is in His hand, so its unavoidable.
What is my life? do i ask myself this daily? yes.
why? because i honestly don't know what is going on in my life. i don't know whats happening EVER and when i hold my life against the social norms for a 20 year olds life, it truly begs the question:"what is my life?" but then i look at Jesus. and it becomes evident. what my life is, is not knowing and still living for Him.
recklessly abandoned.
be here now.
joyfully unknown.
i am laying in my bed in the darkness
computer in my lap
listening to Nat King Cole
literally clutching My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, seriously its under my arm. what?
also i am currently marveling over the phenomenon known as glasses...
****lets take a short break from the point to talk about how great glasses are. they create a way for the visually impaired, like myself, to see just as well as the best of them. seriously. i have had glasses since i was four(i was that kid) and even though on a daily basis i hate them for hurting my ears and taking up room on my face, or never fitting quite right, i still am thankful for them daily, because without them any face that wasn't less than 15 feet away would look something like a death eater so thank God for glasses.
anyway, back to the point.
my life has really been something of a whirlwind lately.
i'll be real honest in telling you that for a while i felt as if i was spiraling into a future of unwanted adulthood, an adulthood that is inevitable and daunting. i am just as afraid of adulthood as the next lost boy. i may play it cool, like i really like responsibility. but lets be real. growing up is scary stuff. especially the feeling of independence, i would love to act like i am freed by the idea of independence, like there is nothing on earth more attractive than taking the world by storm all on my own...but its not. its terrifying.
now many may argue, "but abbie, you won't be on your own, you've got Jesus" and yes this is true. but this is a revelation or rather epiphany that had to come to me(for the millionth time) on its own. you can't force that.
sometimes i fall into the false mentality that God is holding out on me. that theres a world out there that He's not letting me see because He doesn't trust, or because He wants to deprive me of so that i will only see Him. THIS IS SO STUPID OF ME. what the what? sometimes i surprise even myself...ok actually daily i surprise myself with my stupidity. i "pride" myself on my rationality(actually in high school my small group that i had been with since 4th grade named me "most rational" in the group...again, what the what?), and where is the rational in any of that thinking? lets not even pretend like God is a God of deprivation or forced faith. the devil likes to plant those lies in my head though, and all too often i open the door and invite him in for tea.
So you can see that my mentality for the past few months has been absolutely shot, leaving me feeling worthless and inadequate and apathetic...apathy is my all time least favorite feeling. it is the worst. for anyone who knows me, i love to get behind a cause and dream and plan and hope...that has all been missing. but then BOOM. God blew my apathy wide open.
now sit back and let this soak in for a second, or an hour, or perhaps a lifetime...cause thats probably what it will take:
"God never coerces us. In one mood we wish He would make us do the thing, and in another mood we wish He would leave us alone. Whenever God's will is in the ascendent, all compulsion is gone. When we choose deliberately to obey Him, then He will tax the remotest star and the last grain of sand to assist us with all His almighty power." Oswald Chambers.
are you following that? cause that was pretty much the Lord looking me in the eyes and saying "ab, just take my hand, cause when you do the entire universe is yours. not because you deserve it. not because you gained it by taking my hand. but because i delight in you. and through you taking My hand I will be made great. just TRUST me."
seroiusly. i can hear it so clearly. "come unto Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
unless this is your first time reading my blog you are probably sick of hearing the same sh-peal over and over again, cause i am constantly learning and re-learning this very lesson, but i couldn't pick a better lesson to re-learn. God's grace and unconditional love. God's power and perfect goodness. ok, sign me up.
All that to say God tore the roof off my life and now i'm letting you peek inside. not because its great or interesting. but because He's great and interesting and He's got a pretty significant hand in my life...like the whole thing is in His hand, so its unavoidable.
What is my life? do i ask myself this daily? yes.
why? because i honestly don't know what is going on in my life. i don't know whats happening EVER and when i hold my life against the social norms for a 20 year olds life, it truly begs the question:"what is my life?" but then i look at Jesus. and it becomes evident. what my life is, is not knowing and still living for Him.
recklessly abandoned.
be here now.
joyfully unknown.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
wherever we are, we are together
Tonight i need to blog about a few of my best friends.
and when i say best friends i actually mean kindred spirits.
Karly Kenyon, Meredith Hawkins, and Meredith Dunn.
Over the course of a long eventful summer at New Life Ranch i was honored with the opportunity to form a close bond with these girls and lets just say that Jesus was in control of our friendships.
i wanted to take this chance to tell my world of 8 followers about these girls and in turn remind myself of how truly blessed i am that the Lord would put such amazing people into my life.
1. Karly Kenyon. oh boy. this girl kind of like an explosion of glitter. it reflects light(in her case the light of Jesus) and it is absolutely contagious. like glitter she sticks to people and even after you've washed your hair 1,000,000 times you still find pieces of her...this is just a really weird way of saying that she makes a lasting impact and is in no way easily forgotten. also like glitter she is beautiful and inspiring, she takes things from boring and ordinary to exciting and shiny. i have never heard anyone talk about Jesus so passionately or joyfully. she is contagious. i got to be co's with karly the last week of camp and i have never been so delighted by someone's joy in simply living. in finding beauty in every single moment. she is truly something. she is also far away...Greenville, IL. my heart longs to sit with her and drink coffee and listen to Josh Garrels and talk about Jesus and the ocean and life. i miss her dearly and with my entire heart(every last piece). i can't tell Karly's future but i can tell you one thing, Jesus is gonna change the world through this girl...even if its only in one person's life. the world will still look different because she was a part of it. karly, it was with you that i embrace the notion that Jesus was a weirdo and i delight in that every single day. Jesus was weird. is that not the greatest thing you've ever heard? be different, cause Jesus sure as heck was. thanks for being weird with me karly.
2. Meredith Hawkins..............honestly. truly. purely. my inspiration. i'm being completely sincere when i write that mere hawk is just that, she is the one who inspires me to be more than myself. she pushes me more than anyone i know to stretch beyond my realm of comfort and expectation and set my sights on something bigger. something greater. something completely impossible without divine intervention. i don't think that she even knows that. she challenges me to dream bigger than i've ever allowed myself, bigger than i've ever been confident too. she is the most incredible encourager i've ever met and the most honest girl in the world. she recognizes the beauty in the chaos of our everyday lives and thanks God for her shortcomings. what? she is one of the most extraordinary people i know. Mere is a dreamer and a believer. i think that mere one of the few people i've ever met that fully embodies the idea of being able to be whatever you set your mind too. for a long time i have hidden behind the notion that i am simply not smart enough to be anything other than mediocre, i was willing to settle for average and leave good enough alone. meredith challenged that in me without even trying. seeing her freedom in dreams and aspirations made me realize that maybe the Lord wants to use me for more than my plans were allowing Him to. Because of Meredith Hawkins i have recognized a dream within myself that is bigger than anything i could have ever recognized without her. she is also too far away... Richmond, Virginia...a.k.a 1,142 miles away. worst. but even from afar i can still hear her voice in my head, pushing me daily to strive for more.
3. last but not even close to least: meredith dunn. i have almost no words except to say that, in short, meredith dunn gets me like no one else on this planet gets me. honestly. this girl is seriously my soul sister, i don't think anyone has ever understood my heart and thought process like her. when i think of meredith dunn 2,000 different things pop into my mind. best friends. creepy campers. braums. cafe on broadway. just to name a few. we may not have a long history of friendship but it certainly is a full history. mere is one of the boldest and most passionate people i know. she caught onto Jesus like never before this summer and ever since that day she has truly been a new creation. she is amazing. i have so joyful gotten to watch her grow in passion and devotion to the Holy Spirit and it is so beautiful. she inspires me to love Jesus more everyday and live for Him alone everyday. i think that i love meredith so much because when she talks about how much she loves Jesus and how she wants to be used by Him all i can think is "i wanna come too"(i can really say that for all these girls) i just love the way that mere communicates her heart because i can hear my heart too. only i feel that her heart is more bold and willing to love than mine is and that challenges me in so many good ways. in so many ways i want to be like meredith dunn. plus she is the most humble person i know because i don't think she gets how great she is, but thats the beauty. she's not quite as far away...but its still too far. Stillwater, Oklahoma. go pokes. go jokes. sports.
i wish i was joyful like karly.
i wish i was a dreamer like mere hawk.
i wish i was bold like mere.
this is why they are my best friends. i see Jesus through them and as a result am pushed to be more like Him.
karly, mere hawk, mere. thank you. for being yourselves. thank you for being the face of Jesus in my life. i miss you, but in the wise words of meredith hawk "wherever we are, we are together."
-ab
and when i say best friends i actually mean kindred spirits.
Karly Kenyon, Meredith Hawkins, and Meredith Dunn.
Over the course of a long eventful summer at New Life Ranch i was honored with the opportunity to form a close bond with these girls and lets just say that Jesus was in control of our friendships.
i wanted to take this chance to tell my world of 8 followers about these girls and in turn remind myself of how truly blessed i am that the Lord would put such amazing people into my life.
1. Karly Kenyon. oh boy. this girl kind of like an explosion of glitter. it reflects light(in her case the light of Jesus) and it is absolutely contagious. like glitter she sticks to people and even after you've washed your hair 1,000,000 times you still find pieces of her...this is just a really weird way of saying that she makes a lasting impact and is in no way easily forgotten. also like glitter she is beautiful and inspiring, she takes things from boring and ordinary to exciting and shiny. i have never heard anyone talk about Jesus so passionately or joyfully. she is contagious. i got to be co's with karly the last week of camp and i have never been so delighted by someone's joy in simply living. in finding beauty in every single moment. she is truly something. she is also far away...Greenville, IL. my heart longs to sit with her and drink coffee and listen to Josh Garrels and talk about Jesus and the ocean and life. i miss her dearly and with my entire heart(every last piece). i can't tell Karly's future but i can tell you one thing, Jesus is gonna change the world through this girl...even if its only in one person's life. the world will still look different because she was a part of it. karly, it was with you that i embrace the notion that Jesus was a weirdo and i delight in that every single day. Jesus was weird. is that not the greatest thing you've ever heard? be different, cause Jesus sure as heck was. thanks for being weird with me karly.
2. Meredith Hawkins..............honestly. truly. purely. my inspiration. i'm being completely sincere when i write that mere hawk is just that, she is the one who inspires me to be more than myself. she pushes me more than anyone i know to stretch beyond my realm of comfort and expectation and set my sights on something bigger. something greater. something completely impossible without divine intervention. i don't think that she even knows that. she challenges me to dream bigger than i've ever allowed myself, bigger than i've ever been confident too. she is the most incredible encourager i've ever met and the most honest girl in the world. she recognizes the beauty in the chaos of our everyday lives and thanks God for her shortcomings. what? she is one of the most extraordinary people i know. Mere is a dreamer and a believer. i think that mere one of the few people i've ever met that fully embodies the idea of being able to be whatever you set your mind too. for a long time i have hidden behind the notion that i am simply not smart enough to be anything other than mediocre, i was willing to settle for average and leave good enough alone. meredith challenged that in me without even trying. seeing her freedom in dreams and aspirations made me realize that maybe the Lord wants to use me for more than my plans were allowing Him to. Because of Meredith Hawkins i have recognized a dream within myself that is bigger than anything i could have ever recognized without her. she is also too far away... Richmond, Virginia...a.k.a 1,142 miles away. worst. but even from afar i can still hear her voice in my head, pushing me daily to strive for more.
3. last but not even close to least: meredith dunn. i have almost no words except to say that, in short, meredith dunn gets me like no one else on this planet gets me. honestly. this girl is seriously my soul sister, i don't think anyone has ever understood my heart and thought process like her. when i think of meredith dunn 2,000 different things pop into my mind. best friends. creepy campers. braums. cafe on broadway. just to name a few. we may not have a long history of friendship but it certainly is a full history. mere is one of the boldest and most passionate people i know. she caught onto Jesus like never before this summer and ever since that day she has truly been a new creation. she is amazing. i have so joyful gotten to watch her grow in passion and devotion to the Holy Spirit and it is so beautiful. she inspires me to love Jesus more everyday and live for Him alone everyday. i think that i love meredith so much because when she talks about how much she loves Jesus and how she wants to be used by Him all i can think is "i wanna come too"(i can really say that for all these girls) i just love the way that mere communicates her heart because i can hear my heart too. only i feel that her heart is more bold and willing to love than mine is and that challenges me in so many good ways. in so many ways i want to be like meredith dunn. plus she is the most humble person i know because i don't think she gets how great she is, but thats the beauty. she's not quite as far away...but its still too far. Stillwater, Oklahoma. go pokes. go jokes. sports.
i wish i was joyful like karly.
i wish i was a dreamer like mere hawk.
i wish i was bold like mere.
this is why they are my best friends. i see Jesus through them and as a result am pushed to be more like Him.
karly, mere hawk, mere. thank you. for being yourselves. thank you for being the face of Jesus in my life. i miss you, but in the wise words of meredith hawk "wherever we are, we are together."
-ab
Thursday, November 10, 2011
pilot me.
today i had lunch with the wonderful windy hall, who has recently started discipling me. It was hands down the most encouraging hour and a half of my semester, it was so great to sit down with someone who was willing to just listen and hear my heart and fears and joys and thoughts. She is truly amazing and i am beyond blessed to be able to learn from her and have her pour into me, i can't wait to get to spend time with her and her family and learn from her life.
Anyway, today as we were talking i had told her about my fears of singleness, not necessarily the fear of always being single, but the fear that the Lord would make me love singleness and as a result of that i would remain single for the rest of my years. now this may sound silly to whoever is reading, considering that i am a mere 20 years old and at this point my world remains pretty small in the scope of the rest of life, but still the struggle persists and i continue to fear the wild unknown. it is in this area of my life that i feel i have the least control, but God's got me right where He wants me.
As i was telling windy this i began to feel that tiny tinge of insecurity, thinking "what if she looks at me and says, 'why are you worrying about this? you're a kid, deal with it'" i also thought, maybe she'll just shoot out some statistic about how many people actually stay single their whole lives and tell me to just wait, and that it would happen someday...while all these things would be completely accurate for her to tell me it still wouldn't change the fact that today, it's really hard.
but did she say any of those things? no. what she did say was one of the most beautiful nuggets of truth and wisdom that i have ever heard.
She said to me, "the truth that i used to cling to in the same situation is the verse that says that no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly, meaning that if i didn't have it, it was because it wasn't good for me at that point of my life"...oh. my. gosh.
think about that in relation to God's perfection. i get so caught up in thinking about what I THINK would be "good" for me, or what i "need", but its like my mom always says, "the One who knows you best, loves you most" He loves me so much and knows me so well that even when i think that a good thing would be good for me, He knows better. He promises that He won't withhold any good thing, so if i don't have something that i think i want its because its not good for me...even if it has the potential to be good. does that make sense? cause it does to me. and even though it might not strike you as some groundbreaking, life changing truth, it completely rewires my thinking. this removes fear. it removes pressure. it removes expectations. i don't ask God to give me pride and lust, because those are things that aren't good for me, so He withholds them, and right now He is also withholding something that my heart really desires, and it is because He is good and will only give me what is good for me. Today singleness is good for me, and until relationship is good for me, i no longer desire it.
God is really something. This adventure of life is always changing. Today i want to walk boldly and fearlessly, not because i have it all figured out, but because He is grasping my hand, and He already knows the ending. He is good. He's not safe, but He's good.
-content.
Anyway, today as we were talking i had told her about my fears of singleness, not necessarily the fear of always being single, but the fear that the Lord would make me love singleness and as a result of that i would remain single for the rest of my years. now this may sound silly to whoever is reading, considering that i am a mere 20 years old and at this point my world remains pretty small in the scope of the rest of life, but still the struggle persists and i continue to fear the wild unknown. it is in this area of my life that i feel i have the least control, but God's got me right where He wants me.
As i was telling windy this i began to feel that tiny tinge of insecurity, thinking "what if she looks at me and says, 'why are you worrying about this? you're a kid, deal with it'" i also thought, maybe she'll just shoot out some statistic about how many people actually stay single their whole lives and tell me to just wait, and that it would happen someday...while all these things would be completely accurate for her to tell me it still wouldn't change the fact that today, it's really hard.
but did she say any of those things? no. what she did say was one of the most beautiful nuggets of truth and wisdom that i have ever heard.
She said to me, "the truth that i used to cling to in the same situation is the verse that says that no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly, meaning that if i didn't have it, it was because it wasn't good for me at that point of my life"...oh. my. gosh.
think about that in relation to God's perfection. i get so caught up in thinking about what I THINK would be "good" for me, or what i "need", but its like my mom always says, "the One who knows you best, loves you most" He loves me so much and knows me so well that even when i think that a good thing would be good for me, He knows better. He promises that He won't withhold any good thing, so if i don't have something that i think i want its because its not good for me...even if it has the potential to be good. does that make sense? cause it does to me. and even though it might not strike you as some groundbreaking, life changing truth, it completely rewires my thinking. this removes fear. it removes pressure. it removes expectations. i don't ask God to give me pride and lust, because those are things that aren't good for me, so He withholds them, and right now He is also withholding something that my heart really desires, and it is because He is good and will only give me what is good for me. Today singleness is good for me, and until relationship is good for me, i no longer desire it.
God is really something. This adventure of life is always changing. Today i want to walk boldly and fearlessly, not because i have it all figured out, but because He is grasping my hand, and He already knows the ending. He is good. He's not safe, but He's good.
-content.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Twigs
today i feel like a twig.
when you think of a twig i'm sure that what you see is a sad excuse for a branch.
and to be honest thats kind of exactly what i feel like right now. sometimes i think as believers we have the expectation of being a mighty oak, deeply rooted in the Lord and making a a sizable impact on the scenery. But am i a mighty oak? no. i am a twig. a small branch. not even a branch. just a twig.
i feel like my impact on this earth is pretty small while i am in the midst of the red wood forest, where these giants around me are changing the world, and i am just working within my sphere of comfort.
But here's the deal with being a twig. twigs are really important.
In Genesis after the flood Noah sent out a dove and what did the dove bring back? a twig from an olive tree. That twig showed Noah that there was life beyond his ark, that God was allowing life to grow and the world to once again change. That twig gave hope of a future for him and his family outside of their ship.
my life as a twig means that even though i might not be the one leading the boat i still have the opportunity everyday to be a symbol of hope for a future. God can use me to show people that there is something outside of their bubble, life and growth and change and new.
Also, when you go camping what do you look for in the woods to help start your fire? you look for twigs. you can't start a fire what a massive log, you have to have a base before you can have a massive fire.
as a twig the Lord can use me as base, sure once the fire is going you completely forget the twig that helped start it, but i love Jesus and His kids and i don't want to be what people remember, i want them to see the fire, not the kindling. my purpose is to show the light and love of Jesus and nothing more, He can use me any day to start that fire in someone's life, and never be thought of again, that's how i want it.
Lastly when a bird is building its nest it doesn't try to break off an entire branch from a tree...thats just silly, a branch would make the worst nest, also the biggest nest. that's just silly. birds use twigs to build their nests. pieces of something bigger, that they can use amongst other twigs to create their home, to create the one thing that brings comfort and safety.
GOD make me a nest. make me a fire. make me a twig. i want to be the person that people know that they can count on and come to, and whom they know will share with them real, honest truth from Jesus, but thats all i want to be, i don't want anyone to need me, cause i want them to need Him. I don't need to make an individual impacton the scenery. blend me in. i don't want people to see me. i want them to look at the bigger picture and see Jesus. not abbie. exclude me from the equation. let me be a miniscule part of the whole.
so make me twig. and keep me that way.
a twig for Your glory.
-a twig.
when you think of a twig i'm sure that what you see is a sad excuse for a branch.
and to be honest thats kind of exactly what i feel like right now. sometimes i think as believers we have the expectation of being a mighty oak, deeply rooted in the Lord and making a a sizable impact on the scenery. But am i a mighty oak? no. i am a twig. a small branch. not even a branch. just a twig.
i feel like my impact on this earth is pretty small while i am in the midst of the red wood forest, where these giants around me are changing the world, and i am just working within my sphere of comfort.
But here's the deal with being a twig. twigs are really important.
In Genesis after the flood Noah sent out a dove and what did the dove bring back? a twig from an olive tree. That twig showed Noah that there was life beyond his ark, that God was allowing life to grow and the world to once again change. That twig gave hope of a future for him and his family outside of their ship.
my life as a twig means that even though i might not be the one leading the boat i still have the opportunity everyday to be a symbol of hope for a future. God can use me to show people that there is something outside of their bubble, life and growth and change and new.
Also, when you go camping what do you look for in the woods to help start your fire? you look for twigs. you can't start a fire what a massive log, you have to have a base before you can have a massive fire.
as a twig the Lord can use me as base, sure once the fire is going you completely forget the twig that helped start it, but i love Jesus and His kids and i don't want to be what people remember, i want them to see the fire, not the kindling. my purpose is to show the light and love of Jesus and nothing more, He can use me any day to start that fire in someone's life, and never be thought of again, that's how i want it.
Lastly when a bird is building its nest it doesn't try to break off an entire branch from a tree...thats just silly, a branch would make the worst nest, also the biggest nest. that's just silly. birds use twigs to build their nests. pieces of something bigger, that they can use amongst other twigs to create their home, to create the one thing that brings comfort and safety.
GOD make me a nest. make me a fire. make me a twig. i want to be the person that people know that they can count on and come to, and whom they know will share with them real, honest truth from Jesus, but thats all i want to be, i don't want anyone to need me, cause i want them to need Him. I don't need to make an individual impacton the scenery. blend me in. i don't want people to see me. i want them to look at the bigger picture and see Jesus. not abbie. exclude me from the equation. let me be a miniscule part of the whole.
so make me twig. and keep me that way.
a twig for Your glory.
-a twig.
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