what is my life?

a window into my life(then maybe you'll understand this title):
i am laying in my bed in the darkness
computer in my lap
listening to Nat King Cole
literally clutching My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, seriously its under my arm. what?
also i am currently marveling over the phenomenon known as glasses...

        ****lets take a short break from the point to talk about how great glasses are. they create a way for the visually impaired, like myself, to see just as well as the best of them. seriously. i have had glasses since i was four(i was that kid) and even though on a daily basis i hate them for hurting my ears and taking up room on my face, or never fitting quite right, i still am thankful for them daily, because without them any face that wasn't less than 15 feet away would look something like a death eater so thank God for glasses.

anyway, back to the point.

my life has really been something of a whirlwind lately.
i'll be real honest in telling you that for a while i felt as if i was spiraling into a future of unwanted adulthood, an adulthood that is inevitable and daunting. i am just as afraid of adulthood as the next lost boy. i may play it cool, like i really like responsibility. but lets be real. growing up is scary stuff. especially the feeling of independence, i would love to act like i am freed by the idea of independence, like there is nothing on earth more attractive than taking the world by storm all on my own...but its not. its terrifying.
now many may argue, "but abbie, you won't be on your own, you've got Jesus" and yes this is true. but this is a revelation or rather epiphany that had to come to me(for the millionth time) on its own. you can't force that.

sometimes i fall into the false mentality that God is holding out on me. that theres a world out there that He's not letting me see because He doesn't trust, or because He wants to deprive me of so that i will only see Him. THIS IS SO STUPID OF ME. what the what? sometimes i surprise even myself...ok actually daily i surprise myself with my stupidity. i "pride" myself on my rationality(actually in high school my small group that i had been with since 4th grade named me "most rational" in the group...again, what the what?), and where is the rational in any of that thinking? lets not even pretend like God is a God of deprivation or forced faith. the devil likes to plant those lies in my head though, and all too often i open the door and invite him in for tea.

So you can see that my mentality for the past few months has been absolutely shot, leaving me feeling worthless and inadequate and apathetic...apathy is my all time least favorite feeling. it is the worst. for anyone who knows me, i love to get behind a cause and dream and plan and hope...that has all been missing. but then BOOM. God blew my apathy wide open.

now sit back and let this soak in for a second, or an hour, or perhaps a lifetime...cause thats probably what it will take:
     "God never coerces us. In one mood we wish He would make us do the thing, and in another mood we wish He would leave us alone. Whenever God's will is in the ascendent, all compulsion is gone. When we choose deliberately to obey Him, then He will tax the remotest star and the last grain of sand to assist us with all His almighty power." Oswald Chambers.

are you following that? cause that was pretty much the Lord looking me in the eyes and saying "ab, just take my hand, cause when you do the entire universe is yours. not because you deserve it. not because you gained it by taking my hand. but because i delight in you. and through you taking My hand I will be made great. just TRUST me."
seroiusly. i can hear it so clearly. "come unto Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
unless this is your first time reading my blog you are probably sick of hearing the same sh-peal over and over again, cause i am constantly learning and re-learning this very lesson, but i couldn't pick a better lesson to re-learn. God's grace and unconditional love. God's power and perfect goodness. ok, sign me up.

All that to say God tore the roof off my life and now i'm letting you peek inside. not because its great or interesting. but because He's great and interesting and He's got a pretty significant hand in my life...like the whole thing is in His hand, so its unavoidable.

What is my life? do i ask myself this daily? yes.
why? because i honestly don't know what is going on in my life. i don't know whats happening EVER and when i hold my life against the social norms for a 20 year olds life, it truly begs the question:"what is my life?" but then i look at Jesus. and it becomes evident. what my life is, is not knowing and still living for Him.
recklessly abandoned.
be here now.

joyfully unknown.