abide.

"are not there little chapters in everybodys life that seem like nothing, and yet affect all the rest of history?"
-William Makepeace Thackeray

thats a good thing about being an english major, i'm always finding the greatest quotes. This one comes from Vanity Fair by Thackeray, he's kinda brilliant.

so i've been thinking about God a lot lately. What i've been thinking is that i want to be like Hosea and Jeremiah...and that directly relates to God. You see Hosea and Jeremiah were two really, really faithful men in the Bible that God called to really difficult missions, and rather than running or arguing or fighting God, they simply obeyed. I think often times people think that obedience and submission are signs of weakness, but i think they are actually a sign of true strength. There is nothing weak about saying "not my will be done, but Yours", i mean really think about it, that one sentence is essentially saying "despite my desires for comfort and safety and my own way, i would rather have Your way, even if it means poverty, pain, and uncertainty". But heres the thing, thats what we are called too. I think a lot of times we tell ourselves that we are living in submission to the Lord, we say that we are willing to follow His call wherever it leads, but are we really? How often do we glaze over a word from God simply because it is hard? "What Jesus says is hard, it is only easy when it is heard by those who have His disposition. Beware of allowing anything to soften a hard word of Jesus Christ"(chambers). Am i willing to lay down my desires, bypass all practicality and tell Jesus that all that matters to me that His will be done in my life? Am i willing to be a pawn? Am i willing to accept the fact that my life is just a sentence in the fullness of His story? if i truly want God's will i have to let go of me. i have to let go of it all and be fully His, not mine. I want that. I want to abide.

Father, make me invisble, that You may be seen more clearly.

abbie.

the calm.

the calm comes before the storm. is that my life right now?
I worked at a Christian camp all summer long and for 11 weeks the majority of that time people experience to some degree or another an emotional overload...except for me. I was unemotional to the point that i nearly lost the ability to cry. Now of course my joy went untouched(thank the Lord) but that is because even though i wasn't "feeling" the Lord in big ways, i was still daily experiencing His goodness and faithfulness, i felt like i was sitting back all summer and watching Him work, and for some reason, that is beyond my comprehension, He chose to use me. He didn't need me or require my submission to get His work done, but in His greatness He chose to use a broken, prideful, messy, out of her mind kid to pour love and truth into the life of other staff and campers. All the while He was pouring truth and love into me through His word and those around me.
He blessed me beyond my expectations this summer and for that i am eternally thankful, its funny how God places amazing followers of Christ in your life for an itty bitty season to remind you that they exist and then takes them away to remind you that the body of Christ is about going out into the world. God gave me the 7 best friends that i have ever had in my entire life over the summer, through them i got to see true passion Jesus Christ, i saw followers of Jesus like I never have before. I got to be encouraged every single day by these people for 11 weeks. HOLY SMOKES. Thank you Jesus. But heres the kicker, we are spread out all across the states, and i'm the only one in Arkansas. Richmond, Greenville, Winston-Salem, Stillwater, Bolivar, Stillwater, and Norman. what the heck, but its so beautiful. Beautiful to think that the light of Jesus is alive in those places through true followers of Jesus Christ. AH! God is at work folks and nothing we do or don't do is gonna slow Him down. jump on board cause He's calling.

So heres the real deal, over the summer my lack of emotional high led into something bigger, slowly over 11 weeks i lost all mission and vision for my life. no joke. I suddenly realized one night during NLR unplugged(worship service on Friday night) that i had no idea what i was doing with my life and couldn't think of a single thing that i wanted to do. i had lost all passion for anything. previously i was excited about the idea of teaching and youth ministry, and those were both gone simultaneously. i literally couldn't think of a single thing that i wanted to do with my life, a single mission that i could get excited about. i had lost all heart for anything other than Jesus. at first i was terrified, then i was disappointed, then i was confused, then i decided to try and guess what God was doing...bad idea. i started putting my hope into my own idea of what God was doing in my life and why He had taken away all passion and desire. Well that crashed and burned. what i thought was doing turned out to be a complete bust and i ended up putting my hope into something that in the end hurt my heart. once that happened(2 days ago...oops) i decided that i had to let go(again) of any and all expectations i had of God's plan and decided that i need to get back to submission because the truth is I have NO IDEA what God is doing in my life, no idea what His plan is, and no idea what He wants for me, all i know is that if i am living in daily obedience then i am living the will of God, and truly that is all i need to know. so for a total of 24 hours my heart was at complete rest in Jesus, something that He had been desiring of me all summer, something that i had failed at majorly all summer, He graciously took away the biggest desire of my heart just so that i could have another opportunity to learn how to rest in Him, something that i need desperately. cause surprise, i am rarely at rest. i can trust God but i am rarely at rest, i am always thinking, planning, projecting, analyzing, etc. instead of just laying back into Him and letting Him have complete control. I have never experienced what i have been experiencing in these last 2 days. But today i think God changed my heart. He brought me my big dream. i, for the first time all summer, got a call on my heart and found excitement and passion in something that i have never even considered for myself, for my life. i was talking to a guy in my prisoner written literature class(riveting, i know) and he told me that he wanted to go to law school and it hit me like and anvil hitting wylie coyote in an old bugs bunny cartoon...i want to go to law school. i realized that i have a heart for refugees, especially for those from countries torn by civil war(like Sudan). i realized that the thought of being a human rights and civil liberties lawyer brings tears to my eyes. i never in a million years would have even entertained the idea of being a lawyer, but suddenly it is all i want to do. I knew that through God removing all passions and desires in my life it was because He was about to do something big in my life, it just came in a different package then i ever would have imagined. But now i am convinced that law school is the next step. i seriously never would have imagined, my mind is blown by that way He works. This is what i thought He was bringing, and getting here hurt me, but in the end this is so much better than i could have expected. now i have a vision. so, yea. thats it.

all i know is that i love Jesus. "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." He is making that real every moment. all i have to do is take the next step.
my heart is racing.
thats all Jesus.
i want Him and only Him.

abbie lay.