White Flags

I was listening to this song the other day called Lego House by Ed Sheeran and it really got me thinking about Jesus and me and my heart. theres a line in the song that says:
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it.
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.
and i've never felt freer.

here are the facts:
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)

guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.

-abbie.