in the eyes of a child this phrase was brilliant and powerful and brimming with potential. it told me that no matter how many times i screwed up, no matter how many times i failed, i could always pick myself up, dust myself off and simply try again. that eventually, i would get it right. as a kid this manifest itself in the fact that i was virtually fearless. i was bold and tenacious because i wasn't afraid of failure, i wasn't afraid to mess up because i had hope in trying again.
some how in the unbridled craziness of life i lost that freedom, the freedom of a child. this strength turned backwards on itself. One of my greatest freedoms became ultimately my driving fear. if i am painfully honest, which mostly i hate doing, my biggest fear in life is failure. the idea of being unable to do something, of attempting to do something and not being able to, falling short, disappointing people, disappointing myself, disappointing God. all of it at times has had enough power of intimidation that it has debilitated me and kept me from experiencing the fullness of God's plan for my life.
Well something terrifying happened this summer. i was placed in a position of leadership in which failure was not only inevitable but i was expected to welcome it. trial and error is not a process that i like to use, i prefer more of a one and done style. This past summer though in my position at New Life Ranch i was a part of team that was given the responsibility of planning, facilitating, and setting the tone for the large group activities at camp, along with other responsibilities. As i prepared for the summer i realized that my greatest struggle was going to be the fact that i was driven by fear, my fear of failing, my fear of disappointing my boss and the other people in my team, my fear of not being able to do the task that had been placed in front of me. The truth is that i wasn't trusting that God had chosen me for a purpose, i guess really i didn't believe that God could use me to do it. i was both excited and terrified to face the summer. Thankfully though i serve a gracious, faithful God who chooses broken, stupid people to use to do His work. He chose me. and that was the truth that i had to trust. Over the course of the summer the Lord began to break through my fortress of fear and show me that not only did it not matter is i failed or succeeded, but that true success didn't lie in my hands anyway, success at summer camp was not dependent upon how well Abbie Lay could be a jr camp sal. How prideful of me to even allow myself to entertain the thought that any part of the eternal value and success of camp has anything to do with me, i am nothing but a vessel.
Anyway as God began to strip me of my fear of failure, which did involve failures and screwing up, He soothed the burns with gifts and blessings that i didn't even know i was capable of manifesting. God proved Himself to be so faithful to me once again and all i had to do was stop looking at me and turn to look at Him.
Now, fast forward 2 months and you'll find me here. 9 weeks into the fall of my senior year of college. Once again allowing this fear of failure to begin to creep back in, completely forgetting the faithfulness of Jesus, i am such a painful picture of Israel. what was i saying? oh yes, so here i am. 21 years old. facing my impending doom...a.k.a graduating from college, and once again i start to fear failure, but this time it's not fear of failing man, but it's more a fear of failing God. a fear of not finishing well. i have this problem of extremism where i want to do everything and i want to invest myself into it fully. this is not possible or healthy or what God is calling me to do. in fact, God is really only calling me to do one thing, and once again by His unfailing love for me He has revealed to me(for the millionth time) what that one thing is.
As a follower of Jesus Christ the one command i am called to is to love the Lord my God. He is not standing at the end of a dark corridor saying "if you can just make it to the end, I'll hold you once you get there", and He is not standing behind me pushing me along, saying "ok, just keep pressing through, suck it up and keep going". no, today the creator of the universe is standing right beside me saying "come unto Me...and I will give you rest"(Matthew 11:28). Not, "come to me tomorrow and i will give you rest", not "come to me in 3 months and i will give you rest", but simply "come unto Me, and I will give you rest". Today. He is calling me to come to Him TODAY. all He wants is for me to come into His open arms. Jesus is so patient. those arms never close. that invitation never expires. He is always standing, waiting patiently for our love. Thats's all the Savior of mankind wants, all He wants is to be loved by us. WHAT? He wants MY love?
The beauty is that He cares about my love for Him. He doesn't care about my works, He knows that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own and that my worldly successes are all eternal failures. Literally the #1 thing He is asking for is our love and devotion. Jesus wants us folks. This is a big deal. The thing is that Jesus is teaching me that the thing that is the most important to Him is that above all else my heart belongs to Him. That daily I am choosing Him over the world, over myself. That every single day I am flying my flag of surrender, waiving my rights to myself, and saying to Him that no matter what other desires exist in my heart, my one consuming passion, my one driving force is HIM. He is it. the beginning, the end, the in-between. He is all. end of discussion.
Sure, all of this sounds simple, but the nature of the beast is selfishness. and no matter how much i may desire perfection, that is not what i've been given. I at my core am a sinner saved by grace. One who still suffers the from the fall of man, but who now has the opportunity to choose Jesus. The chance to say "You, Jesus, are worth more to me than myself, because I was worth more to You than Yourself." Why would I not want to surrender to that every single day? No matter how many times I hear that same truth I pray that it never stops astonishing me with its beauty and enormity.
Today, dear friends, i challenge you to remember "the invincible, unconquerable, unwearying patience of Jesus---'come unto Me'.".(Chambers)
-abbie.
lastly, brothers. beards. banjos. enjoy.
