roughly a week and a half ago i penned notes to three dear friends who were off on a missions trip toe Belize. though each note was different and specific to the individual, there was one sentence that worked as the string to bind them all together. the words that were in those letters were placed on my heart for reasons unknown by me at the time, but they seemed important and so, i wrote.
those words were:
have no fear, you weren't made for that.
it wasn't until Sunday when i was listening to a sermon from Louie Giglio on freedom that i realized that those words weren't just to my friends, they were to me too.
Jesus is really wonderful because He isn't afraid of anything, not even afraid of loosing our love by giving us challenges...and the thing is it works for Him. He gives me hard things to do, hard obstacles to overcome, hard people to love, hard roads to walk down, and at the end of the day i love Him more than i did before. so i'd basically say that He knows what He's doing.(which is the exact opposite of me, i have no idea what i'm doing. at this very moment i have completely forgotten what i'm writing about because i got sidetracked thinking about how we should never stop trusting Jesus because He seriously always knows what He's doing.)
ok anyway, back to Jesus and the road to sanctification.
so like i said, Jesus gives us hard things to do. the truth is that being a Christian, should be a hard thing to do and i think in the past few months i have seen that come alive. it's not like i'm being persecuted for my faith, i'm not being thrown in jail, but the reality is that everyday i too must pick up my cross and follow after Him.
Lately that has meant leaving behind, well, myself. I have most recently been faced with the wretchedness of my own sin and depravity. Jesus has allowed me to catch a glimpse of just how terrible of a person i am. how selfish, prideful, needy, power/attention hungry and all around messy i am. so, yea, that's been fun.
all of this has required me to face those demons head on.
i would say that for the about 6 months i let myself live in this weird state of fear, denial and panic because i could see the life that Jesus was calling me to, ahead of me, and i could see the life that my sin nature had always dreamed of fading away in the rear view mirror. for months i was doing everything i could to stall, to not necessarily turn the car around and run the other way, but just throw it in reverse to buy a little time before letting go. why? because i'm a creature of fear. i'm scared to throw myself into the abyss, and i know i'm beating a dead horse here, because i've written about fear approx. 1,000 times, but i guess its like, a pretty big part of my journey with Jesus and i think it gives Him glory when we speak freely about the sins that He uproots, piece by piece, overtime. He is faithful.
Anyway. i've been scared. scared of what's ahead and what's behind. scared to tell Jesus that it's ok for my dreams to be void if they don't align with His "good, pleasing and perfect will". scared to let go of my desire to be recognized, respected and successful. scared to live a life that doesn't line up with the expectations and values of society. i never knew that those were things i wanted, and now i see that they became things that i needed. they took the place of my Savior. what's worse is that i simply let myself get there. one fear turned into two fears, which turned into a semester of inward focus on all that i couldn't let go. i know that the future Jesus has called me to is ministry, and most likely church ministry. this realization has caused the longest, most annoying battle between the head and the heart. the head saying "abigail, are you crazy? where will that get you in life? you just spent thousands of dollars on a college education and now you're not even going to use your degree? you've lost it." and my hear saying "but abbie, this is the passion that Jesus has placed in you, for His name, His people, His body. there is no other future for you, this is it. don't walk away from the one thing that brings you true joy. don't walk away from your love."
so obviously the struggle to let go and fall into my post grad identity of college ministry intern at fellowship has been quite the israeli/palestinian conflict. the rational, logical choices for my future have been blitzed by the persistence of Jesus and His great will, and for a solid 6 months, it's safe to say i was doing everything i could shift the course.
But boom, just like that, the veil was torn and the Son of Man arose from the grave, putting death to death, wiping away the tears from every eye, and putting fear to rest. He came to save me not only from the fear of death, but from the fear of life. Not the fear of living, but the fear of a life lived FOR HIM. you see, i know that i'm never truly living unless i'm living in total obedience to Him, but satan tells me to fear that life. guys. that life is the only life.
i don't want my life to make sense to the world, i want the love of Christ to be the only explanation.
i want my life to be 100% His, today, tomorrow, forever.
for as long as i am on this dry and cracked earth i want my every step to glisten with the light of the Son. i don't want to dampen it's glow with my fears and insecurities.
i want to be insignificant for His namesake, never fearing a life without recognition, because my reality is the glory that is to come.
i want to live a life of reckless abandon, never giving this world a second glance.
and as for fear? well, i will choose every single day to have no fear, because i wasn't made for that.
neither were you, dear reader.
freedom is a choice.
choose wisely.
abbie.
