for anyone who has ever been sick, you know the feeling...that life is measured in a series of doctors visits. sitting in waiting rooms, waiting in exam rooms, answering the same questions over and over again, rating your pain on a scale of 1-10 [what is that anyway? like sorry, the devil has a death grip on my stomach with his lava hands, but yea, i guess i'd say it's like a 7.5], you've looked through one too many People magazines, you've talked about every single bodily function imaginable in the greatest of detail [no matter how uncomfortable], you've jumped through every hoop, had blood drawn, had tests and scans and the whole 9, waited for results, gone to follow up after follow up, and you've heard the words that are now, easily, my least favorite words to hear from a health professional...."trial and error".
[what can i say? i have an unfortunate autoimmune system.
like if you think i'm dramatic, just talk to my intestinal tract...it's the real MVP.
TNT claims that they know drama, but honestly they've never met my autoimmune system, so...]
sometimes it's hard for me to not get swallowed by the reality that the function of the body mirrors the function of the heart. broken, flawed, incomplete, lacking. it can all at once be discouraging and frustrating and overwhelming and at times even daunting...kind of a "what's next?" feeling. I mean it's been slightly more than 4 years since i first got sick + it's still not all figured out.
There's a commercial for headlights that says all you need in life is to see the next 200 feet...but honestly be it in my car or my life, i would feel more comfortable seeing more than 200 feet ahead. and yet.
like i said, sometimes it feels like having chronic illnesses just serves as a constant reminder that everything is broken. which on the one hand is good. it's good to be reminded that life here is incomplete, that we need Jesus, that we should never live under the assumption that this life is perfect.
but as i was sitting in my room a few nights ago, feeling anxious and frustrated and sad because of yet another set of doctor's visits and tests and unknown results, i had this revelation...
my future, my forever is soooooooooo much more real to me because of not only the imperfection of my heart, but also the imperfection of my body. my body is sometimes a mess. my heart is sometimes a mess. i have aches and pains and exhaustion and things that just don't make the proper connections in my body. i have selfishness and pride and greed and jealousy and things that come up short in my heart. it's messy all the same.
and just like that i am reminded of the gospel. reminded that today is not forever and this body and this heart are not the end all be all. reminded that Jesus is "making all things new" [rev. 5:21]. the heart. the body. the world. the pain. the sad. the unjust. the frustrating. all of it.
new is on it's way.
best is on it's way.
perfect is on it's way.
that's why Jesus came and lived and died and most of all came back. so that we would forever know that this is all temporary. that there's is better and wholer and completer right around the corner and all we have to do is press into Him. press into love.
for a very long time, like maybe 8 years one of my favorite verses has been habakkuk 3:18, where in the midst of turmoil and pain he says "yet I will take joy in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation".
sure my body might not work perfectly, but if it did work perfectly i would have one less reminder that i N E E D Jesus. now and forever. i can be joyful in the broken because i know that it won't always be.
here's to being thankful for the things that don't look like they deserve thanks. here's to choosing the good in the midst of the bad and the ugly.
xo, a.
**disclaimer: remember what i said about me being dramatic? this is a bit dramatic. while yes, i do have 2 chronic illnesses, it's really not all that bad. sometimes a girl just get overwhelmed.
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