october is a significant month in my life.
it's crazy for me to think that 2 years ago i was sitting in my car, shattered by a sudden memory of pain and guilt and shame from a decade prior.
overcome by an ocean of fear. afraid to look at myself. afraid to trust myself. afraid to trust the Lord. afraid to speak or breath or wake up the next morning.
i understand how dramatic that sounds, but anyone who has even grazed the surface of depression knows that the feelings are real, rationality holds less weight when fear is the strongest emotion.
it was two years ago that i was in the car [lots of moments happen for me in cars] with my mom and sister, coming home from seeing Wicked in Kansas City, mustering up the courage to tell my mom about my trauma.
it was two years ago that i felt like part of my life, a big part of my life, ended.
but, it was two years ago that my life began.
two years ago a lifetime of lying and hiding and pretending came crashing down around me.
they had to. it had to fall apart. i had to fall apart.
if i hadn't fallen apart i never would have known the joy of being put back together. never known the joy of of utter depravity and unconditional love.
i had to loose who i was so that i could start finding out who i am.
i had lived countless years trying to be the person that i assumed everyone else wanted me to be. changing masks at the drop of a hat out of the insane need to be accepted and needed, valued, relevant.
attempting to control every detail is what eventually sent it all spinning out of control.
convenient isn't it?
but, wasting time is not my m.o.
a lot can happen in 2 years.
a lot of growth, a lot of renewal, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of learning, a lot of restoration.
730 days.
some good. some bad. some really, really bad. but, by now the good outweighs the less than. and the bad doesn't seem so bad anymore when it serves as a reminder of how far you've come, of how different life is, of how much you are loved.
there's this story about Jesus where He's having a meal with a bunch of outcasts; hookers and thieves. the religious leaders of the day crack down on him and start grilling him on why he is spending time with such lowly humans. Jesus responds to their judgment by saying "those who are well have no need of a doctor, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
i love this story. i love the kindness of the heart of Christ. i love that he didn't want to hang out with the people who were performing. he loved them, but they didn't think they needed to be saved. he wanted to show the broken that they were loved and known and valued and worthy. and here i am, in the middle of that love.
none of my life looks at all like i had planned or imagined, 2 years ago changed all that...13 years ago changed all that...the love of a creator who knows me better than i know myself changed all that. my memories and my past were altered by the truth, which was the only thing that could make way for my present and future to be lived in truth.
everything is different than i thought it would be, but everything is just as it should be. it is right and true and good and full. i am finding who i am in who he is and for the first time ever i like the reflection. i recognize the face in the mirror and it doesn't just look like me, it is me.
like i said, a lot can happen in 2 years...and i am fully confident that it doesn't end here.
thanks for joining me on the journey.
xo, a.
