today i had lunch with the wonderful windy hall, who has recently started discipling me. It was hands down the most encouraging hour and a half of my semester, it was so great to sit down with someone who was willing to just listen and hear my heart and fears and joys and thoughts. She is truly amazing and i am beyond blessed to be able to learn from her and have her pour into me, i can't wait to get to spend time with her and her family and learn from her life.
Anyway, today as we were talking i had told her about my fears of singleness, not necessarily the fear of always being single, but the fear that the Lord would make me love singleness and as a result of that i would remain single for the rest of my years. now this may sound silly to whoever is reading, considering that i am a mere 20 years old and at this point my world remains pretty small in the scope of the rest of life, but still the struggle persists and i continue to fear the wild unknown. it is in this area of my life that i feel i have the least control, but God's got me right where He wants me.
As i was telling windy this i began to feel that tiny tinge of insecurity, thinking "what if she looks at me and says, 'why are you worrying about this? you're a kid, deal with it'" i also thought, maybe she'll just shoot out some statistic about how many people actually stay single their whole lives and tell me to just wait, and that it would happen someday...while all these things would be completely accurate for her to tell me it still wouldn't change the fact that today, it's really hard.
but did she say any of those things? no. what she did say was one of the most beautiful nuggets of truth and wisdom that i have ever heard.
She said to me, "the truth that i used to cling to in the same situation is the verse that says that no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly, meaning that if i didn't have it, it was because it wasn't good for me at that point of my life"...oh. my. gosh.
think about that in relation to God's perfection. i get so caught up in thinking about what I THINK would be "good" for me, or what i "need", but its like my mom always says, "the One who knows you best, loves you most" He loves me so much and knows me so well that even when i think that a good thing would be good for me, He knows better. He promises that He won't withhold any good thing, so if i don't have something that i think i want its because its not good for me...even if it has the potential to be good. does that make sense? cause it does to me. and even though it might not strike you as some groundbreaking, life changing truth, it completely rewires my thinking. this removes fear. it removes pressure. it removes expectations. i don't ask God to give me pride and lust, because those are things that aren't good for me, so He withholds them, and right now He is also withholding something that my heart really desires, and it is because He is good and will only give me what is good for me. Today singleness is good for me, and until relationship is good for me, i no longer desire it.
God is really something. This adventure of life is always changing. Today i want to walk boldly and fearlessly, not because i have it all figured out, but because He is grasping my hand, and He already knows the ending. He is good. He's not safe, but He's good.
-content.
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