i long to breathe

so this whole weekend i have been with the kids that i nanny and throughout the weekend the Lord has not missed a single opportunity to show me His glory in the midst of the craziness of life.

1. the nature of sinful man.
the 4 year old that i nanny has recently slipped into a phase of being extremely defiant and disobedient. a few of the things that he has been saying recently are things like "you're not the boss", "i can do whatever i want", and "i just want to make up my own rules".
now these are all things that i am confident that all of us have said in our lifetimes, but it truly has been awhile since i've been under the impression that i should be able to do whatever i want...first off because i have a pretty good view of the real world from where i stand. but also because i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i seem to have all to quickly forgotten what my heart looked like before the very Spirit of God was placed inside.
this is something i've been thinking about a whole lot recently, how much a heart is transformed when Christ enters in. that a heart cannot remain the same when Jesus ruins humans with His love.
anyway i have seen closely, and with much frustration, this weekend what it looks like to not fully know Jesus. now this little boy is blessed to be growing up with a mom and dad who do know and love the Lord and who pour that love back into him daily, and he knows who Jesus is, he knows the stories, but it really makes me think about the millions who have never heard the name of Jesus.
as sinful man we live in a constant state of frustration because we are living for ourselves. we are living for our way and our agenda. we are living for nothing. we never get what we want and we are always empty and unsatisfied. we are longing to breathe. to be set free from the chains that bind us to ourselves. to this broken land. we see the rocks around crying out, yet we know not the audience to whom they sing their foreign song.
this breaks my heart. to be reminded of the longing that exists in the hearts of so many. longing is inescapable. it is haunting. you never forget a longing and it can rarely be ignored. we all want something that we naturally do not have and what kills me the that they don't know that what they're searching for is the Lover of their soul. they don't know that He wants them even more than they want their greatest desire to be filled.
why don't we tell them more often?

2. the beauty of the birth of the Savior.
tonight i was reading this story to the four year old called "On a Silent Night" and it was quite obviously the story of Jesus' birth. yet what i didn't expect was to hold back tears while trying to read it to a child. the story was short and summed up the major points of the account in Luke. But here's the good part, at the end it had this little prayer that was saying how it had been a long time since the angels sang their holy song, yet we still know that the star that points to the throne, is the star that shines to capture our hearts.
that part is truly beautiful to my heart. to think that yes, it has been years and years and years since the angels sang the song that told the shepherds of the Savior being born. this is something that i cannot even process. the sky suddenly being filled with a host of those who dwell in the presence of the Most High. that's beyond my comprehension. you could truly never be the same.
back on track. think about how beautiful it is that the answer to the longing of our hearts came in the form of a baby. a wide eyed, helpless infant. God is so beautiful when i really stop and think about how He chose to send us His son. i mean really. the last thing the world would ever expect. the last thing the world would ever choose. that's exactly what the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth sent.
and not only sent, but sent with purpose, knowing full well how man would react to His Son. to Himself.


i long to breathe, but not this dense and defiled air. the air i breathe is soiled by the soot of the sin that man brought into this world. i long to truly breathe. i long to fill my lungs with the air that surrounds the throne of God. we are all longing to breathe the air that we were created to breathe.

abbie.