reprimands

today i got a slap in the face. straight from Jesus. let me tell you this. it was the worst.
one of my least favorite things about myself is how quickly i loose sight of the depth of my sin. it is an ugly thing and when i say that i hate it i mean that i really, really hate it.
so the most recent form of conviction came through a couple very anxious weeks, some badly bruised feelings, and an attitude that could only be classified as the exact opposite of joy.
before i jump in though let me explain 2 things about myself that will help with this scenario:

1. my love language is the very self-centered "words of affirmation".
sometimes i absolutely hate the idea of love languages cause its so selfish, i feel like it screams "cater to me". anyway sadly what ministers to my heart the best is the one that i perceive to be the most selfish, but the truth is normally i find no pleasure in people affirming my appearance or possessions or personality, but i truly delight in the affirmation of my character because it is proof of the work of the Holy Spirit, but that can turn ugly, cause i pridefully take credit instead of deflecting the glory to the one who is worth affirming. trust me, i'm a mess.
2. when i get hurt or anxious/worried or frustrated, rather than acting on my emotions i have a tendency to simply shut down. i do a lot of internal battling and shut off emotionally from those around me...its a real problem. i would not recommend it as a coping mechanism. its weird and antisocial.(closet introvert.)

so. back to the point. i have been in a major funk lately. just over the past few weeks there's been some sort of weird internal struggle going on that i couldn't quite put my finger on, and its been making me crazy and moody. now another note is that when something is wrong i always want to figure out the root and then fix it. therefore i think that the Lord likes to let me try to figure it out and wait...and wait...and wait. and then boom, out of nowhere He hits me with it. that moment happened today. Over the last two weeks i have thought that i was upset because i felt like people were trying to manipulate me. then i thought that i was upset because i was feeling caged by the life that i currently lead. then today it all came like a wave. i was driving home, talking to my mom, apologizing AGAIN for being a crappy daughter and i was trying to explain to her what was wrong, and what came out looked something like this:
-i am hurt because i don't feel listened to
-i feel like everyone else's actions are being defended and justified, even if they're wrong and hurting me
-i feel like i'm always wrong and like no one believes me/trusts my word and opinion
-i don't feel valued
-i feel like nothing i say is received or respected
***i don't post these things as a cry for attention. please no. simply for transparencies sake, something i can always grow in***
now as you read these i hope that only one thing stands out to you:
SELFISHNESS.
honestly. look at that "i feel" "i'm hurt" "i don't feel".
it makes me sick.
so after i finished talking to my wonderfully patient and gracious mother i was just reflecting on the conversation and there in that moment Jesus just grabbed me and was like "abbie, you see what the real problem is don't you? you realize that all of this is your sinful nature bubbling to surface, attempting to consume you...and you're letting it. other people are not the problem. you are the problem."
yea. there it is. i'm not in a funk because of how people are treating me, or because i'm lacking positive affirmation. i'm weird lately for no reason other than ME. gosh. that absolutely tears me up. this is my fault.
so yea, that conviction happened and then my beautiful, faithful Savior followed it by speaking nothing but love and encouragement into my spirit.
i was sitting in my car thinking, ok, so i'm feeling undervalued by man, i'm feeling like everyone thinks that my opinions and ideas are worthless and wrong, i'm feeling like no one is listening to me. ok. now who else actually experience all of these things? Jesus. people undervalued Jesus. people didn't listen to Jesus. people sincerely believed that Jesus was wrong...and crazy. oh yea, and then they killed Him. so yea. that happened too. But in the midst of this i could hear Jesus whispering to me "abbie, you're looking at all of this like its a bad thing, like it means that you are worthless and ineffective. but let me tell you something, thats exactly what i looked like to the world, so maybe its a sign that you are starting to look more like me." what even.
loving Jesus looks so much different than we think.
it's a whole lot lonelier than we plan on. at least more lonely in the human sense.
but the more you know Jesus the more you realize that you would sacrifice anything for Him. people. affirmation. comfort. friendship. none of it matters. when it really comes down to the choice between the world and Jesus. the choice is simple. He is truly the only thing that matters. may i daily see that my sin is near and ugly. but that the grace and power and love of Jesus Christ is nearer still and it is truly beautiful. and it is the only thing in me worth affirming. He is truly all i need and sometimes the simple thought of that is too much for me to process. i cannot get past His greatness and my smallness.
I love Him so much that I can't breathe.

ab.