a spate of joy.

I have had the feeling lately that pessimism has been allowed to reign and rule in me and though that is 100% who i am in this sinful flesh, it is a poor, poor representation of the life that Christ daily calls me to live. The truth is that i despise pessimism, nothing is worse than looking at a negative situation with a negative disposition. i mean really, why do we avoid hope when it lies directly before us every moment, waiting for us to simply cut the ties and jump aboard. there is certainly risk, but only the risk of finding that everything truly is going to be "ok" and we were wrong about it all along. how prideful we must be.
That being said, i realize that i need to take more time to intentionally share the joys and beauties that God allows us, to remind us of His delight in bringing a smile to our faces; He loves us so much and wants this life to be a glorious adventure, not just a brutal battle. The fight is so much easier to bear with the truth that the calm follows the storm. God has once again proven Himself utterly faithful and, for lack of a more all encompassing word, loving.
i am so undeserving of the love that He bestows upon me, but i would be a fool to not recognize that every single smile, every laugh, is an extraordinary gift coming straight from the Father to His fickle child. I simply cannot comprehend that, the extravagant love of my King. He has done great things.
The past few days have been the fullness of the title of this post, a spate of joy.
A "spate" is a sudden, almost overwhelming, outpouring. In this case it was a sudden outpouring of love, straight from Jesus, through some of my dearest friends and some friends who are now much more dear.

i suppose that the most time effective way to do this would be to compile a concise list of the top 5 events of the past few days that showed me the Lord's gracious, loving kindness and His faithfulness to fill me up right as the cup is about to run dry.

1.  It began with a simple letter from a sweet New Life friend named Lindsay. She had written a letter of both encouragement and of prayer for me and my job at NLR this coming summer. i've given satan a lot of leeway this semester and exposed my weaknesses to let him in and completely tear down my trust in the sovereignty of God in placing me at the Ranch for a purpose this coming summer. For the past few months i have been in constant battle to move out of the realm of placing faith in feeling, to placing faith in truth, and the truth is that God has a plan and a purpose, and the Lord i think gave me that sweet note from Lindsay to remind me that He really does have something at work that i simply cannot yet see, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Lindsay's letter beautifully set the stage for an altogether memorable weekend.

2. music & roadtrips. nothing soothes my soul like the open road and my ipod. thrown into this mix is the concert that i went to on Friday, The Avett Brothers...second time in a month. totally worth it. They are incredible.

3. conversation. it's been awhile since i've had a conversation that made me want to learn. the truth is i really love learning and i really love reading and i got to have a conversation with some camp friends that made me want to go home and read every single one of the books that is on my list, and then read everything else. my desire to know Jesus grows infinitely with a particular group of friends that i have and i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that stimulate my mind and remind of why i love learning.

4. Family. my sister just finished all the steps to becoming an LPC(licensed professional counselor) and i am so so proud of her! For the first time in quite some time we went out for a family lunch on Sunday, along with my brother in law's parents, and for the millionth time i was reminded of how incredibly blessed i am to have been born into my family. i cannot imagine me without them, each member has been such an integral part of who i am. it is such a lovely thing to see my family grow and develop and i could just cry when i think about how beautiful it is that each person in my family is truly looking like Jesus more and more everyday. astounding. Also my dad was nominated to be an elder at Fellowship, which brings so much joy to my heart. The Lord has so blessed my father's faithfulness and integrity. He is an amazing man and i am so thankful that i am his daughter. i pray that someday my children have a father that mirrors the Fatherly qualities of God as much as my own father does.

5. humility. God has been humbling my heart a whole lot this past year and something that He has consistently done is give me opportunity and responsibility that i know i am completely unworthy of. this past sunday sweet Courtney Matthews and i were once again given the honor to talk to a group of high school seniors about what it looks like to love Jesus in college. The funny thing is that all i could think about the whole time was, it is only by the overwhelming grace of God that i have grown more and more in love with Jesus through the past 3 years of college. What's funny is that i know there is nothing right that i have done in college, all i have done is try my hardest to keep my eyes on the cross and it humbles me immensely to see how God has used that. its beautiful to look at a group of young girls and see hearts that are desiring to honor Christ with their college years. It is an altogether humbling to know that i have done absolutely nothing to get where i am today. Jesus is so faithful and wonderful. Gosh He is great.

so yes, this was quite a spate of joy. and i wanted to share because i never want to overlook all of the joy that the Lord fills every single day with.
if we simply take the time to see the ordinary as extraordinary we significantly alter our outlook. there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to open our eyes to the beauty.

-abbie.

White Flags

I was listening to this song the other day called Lego House by Ed Sheeran and it really got me thinking about Jesus and me and my heart. theres a line in the song that says:
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it.
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.
and i've never felt freer.

here are the facts:
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)

guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.

-abbie.