So. There is actually a point to this. Ever since i learned this fun Bruce Lee fact it has stuck with me, the idea of him being unable to be captured by a camera has always been so beautiful and amazing. But over time it has evolved in its meaning to me and i now face a tough lesson that hinges on the words "slow down...you're moving to fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that".
A big part of my nature is that i am extremely driven. the feeling of completion is unparalleled. i love knowing that i got the job done. in fact the act of getting the job done is one of my very favorite things in the world. The words "well done my good and faithful servant" are beautiful to me because they signify a closing. But these beautiful words are twisted in my mind, and obviously the way i have perceived them for years is wrong, because God's purpose and understanding is extremely different than mine.
It wasn't until recently that i realized that my vision is skewed. my perception of the way life works is painfully incomplete. i went to Colorado with two of my very best friends at the end of the summer and while i was there the Lord used them to show me that i am missing out on a vital part of who He has made me to be. On a hike near Pikes Peak we had a discussion about the phrase "life's about the journey, not the destination". My dear Karly was saying how when she does things, or goes places it is not about getting to where she is going, but enjoying the getting there. It hit me hard. i am all destination, no journey. i delight not in the road along the way, but the actual arrival. the sense of completion that comes with arriving. i realized i love adventure because i love knowing that i completed another one. not because of the actual adventure. that fact makes me sad. really sad.
i realized that i am in a full on sprint through life.
In my extremism i decided that i never needed to slow down, if you keep going you don't have to worry about assessing the damage, you just throw it to the side and press on. That's really not always bad, but it's kind of bad. it's bad when it's all that i am. i've just always wanted to fly through all things. i've want God to teach me things as quickly as possible, so i can learn them and move on to the next lesson. i want to speed through the hard times. i want to speed through the suffering. i want to speed through the emotions. i want to keep moving. as i write i realize that i sound like a nike commercial. the mentality of an athlete really is a good way to put it.
But now. it is time to change.
it is funny to see how God, in His grace appeased that longing in me, because it truly was the best way i could love Him. i wanted Him so badly during that time that tunnel vision was the only way i could see, just a dead sprint towards Him, ignoring all else and flying through everything He gave me. That was great for then, but it seems that He's asking me for a change of pace. This involves rewiring me, deep within. i very literally am a sprinter. physically thats what i am. it's what i ran in track. exertion of intense amounts of energy for short distances. it's what i do. but woops. it's not about me. it's about Him. and the fact is He does it all. He made it all. He loves it all. Therefore if i want a heart like His i must be willing to change.
It's like Jesus is saying, "ok kid, time to harness that energy and learn how to maintain it, you've got a long road ahead and you gotta learn how to go the distance."
that's a lot. but guys, it's so exciting!
He's saying, SLOW DOWN. you're moving too fast.
I am missing out on the beauty of the sustenance of Jesus. For so long i have blown through the struggles and never had to see a drawn out struggle. But between health issues and other various things outside of my control, He is beginning to show me that much like Rome, my story cannot be built in a day.
Part of my slowing down is slowing down and taking time to feel. I went through a really dry period of an extreme of thinking i had lost all capacity to feel. Granted i could still feel compassion, but other than that i was emotionally dry. That was from Lord, trust me, He was teaching me that that my faith is built on nothing but TRUTH. He was removing emotion so that i would learn that my relationship with Him has nothing to do with emotion or circumstance. But now that phase is seemingly complete and Jesus is reintroducing me, or maybe introducing me for the first time, to my heart. to His heart. He seems to be asking me to slow down and feel deeply. This is a wonderful beautiful lesson, that has been met with many tears and lots of joy. it is perfect timing. He is teaching me everyday that i can both trust in Him and His plan completely, but at the same time i can be sad that one chapter of my life is coming to a close. The chapter that is full of childhood freedom. Full of cell group and school days and new life ranch. my days of endless summer are nearly over. and that my friends. is sad. and you know what? it's ok. it's ok for me to be sad about it. God gave it to me as a gift, a beautiful, wonderful gift from Him, and now He's giving me something else. And He's teaching me that i can be both excited about the new, and sad about the old. and that's ok.
I thank Him that this, my senior year of college, is the year that He's telling me to slow down. I don't want to miss a second of the next 6 months...but then really i don't want to miss a second of the rest of my life by being caught up in reaching the finish line.
it's all just a delicate balance i suppose. and every single day Jesus is opening my eyes to that balance and showing me how He does it perfectly. Jesus lived, really lived, every moment of His life on earth, even though He knew exactly when it would be over, and exactly how it would end, He never lost sight of that. And yet, He still lived. I'm beginning to think that is the reason that only the Father knows the real end, because He wants us to learn to really live everyday, even when we don't have a deadline. thats a thing of beauty and grace and sovereignty and perfection.
He is so far beyond anything we could ever ask or imagine, and the more i know Him, the more i realize that.
When i get to the end of this wild, absurd, hilarious, heartbreaking, beautiful life He will say "well done My good and faithful servant" but not because i just made it to the end; life is not a board game where you get accolades for completion. He will say it because i persevered when it would have been easier to keep sprinting. He will say it because He helped me learn to be more like Jesus and less like me. He will say it because i slowed down and really lived the life that He expertly and beautifully orchestrated for me in the middle of His master plan. He will say it because HE is good and faithful, and i am His.
if Bruce Lee could learn how to slow down for a camera, i think Jesus can teach me how to slow down for Him.
cheers to life.
may we live fully and soak in the full spectrum of His creation. the beautiful. the sad. the absurd. the mundane. the extreme. all of it.
It truly is a wonderful life. and it's time to start living it.
-abbie.
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