run with endurance.

as soon as i typed that title i became immediately insecure because i thought "people are going to see the title and expect something about working out and then think i'm a fraud because its not about that!", cause the truth is, i'm not writing about working out at all. the subject of this post comes down to a little yet difficult practice called perseverance.
Ever since i was in the 8th grade i have had stomach issues, for the most part they amounted to nothing more than daily stomach aches that we chalked up to stress and anxiety, but nonetheless they have persisted for the past 6 or 7 years. well, over the course of this past summer, which was spent joyfully at New Life Ranch, my stomach aches became worse and more frequent...aka every moment of every day. at the end of the summer i was itching to figure out what the problem was so i went to see my doctor and had some blood work done and lo and behold(on the morning of my 20th birthday) i was kindly informed that i have Celiac Disease. For those who aren't familiar with Celiac it is a genetic autoimmune disease. It basically means that my body cannot process gluten, which is a protein found in all forms of wheat, barley, rye, and triticale. And therefore i get sick when i eat gluten/wheat. this resulted in a very fast lifestyle change and honestly i never took a second to step back and process the fact that from that moment forth, though it sounds dramatic, my life wouldn't ever be the same. I know that the solution sounds simple:stop eating wheat. but trust me it is much more difficult than that. even if you are extremely careful to never eat wheat EVER there is still the chance of cross contamination, which happens...a lot. for instance i have to use my own personal toaster to toast my bread so that i don't ever get wheat crumbs on my rice bread. and it gets even nittier and grittier than that. Now from the get go i've tried to stay positive about it because the truth is, its not going anywhere, and its not going to get better. Unless by some act of God i am healed, i will have celiac for the rest of my life, and complaining isn't going to give me anything except a bad attitude, plus i've had the blessing of seeing my mom handle the same disease, so i'm not a total newb.

Enough explanation, lets get to the point:
I assumed that since i knew the problem and knew how to handle it, it would just get better and i'd be back in tip top shape in no time. here's the problem though, it didn't get better, health wise its only gotten worse because someone i keep getting cross contaminated and so my body has never gotten to heal.
Side note about myself: i am a fixer. when i see i problem i like to find the solution and get the job done so that things go back to working order as quickly and effectively as possible. I think that area of my life is one that can often be covered in pride and my desire for control, which is why i think that God has allowed me to deal with injuries and health issues.
You see i had a meltdown the other day because after many doctors visits, procedures, and even 2 visits to the ER, the problem is still there and it turns out that my sensitivity to gluten is a little bit more intense than i thought. I had said meltdown because i realized that this problem isn't just going to heal up and go away, or even become easy. i'm stuck with it, and there's no forgetting it. i cannot simply put a cast on it, wait 6 weeks and go back to normal. its here and the truth is its really hard. i don't know what to do sometimes and the greatest struggle with it is often too hard to express, this difficulty stems from the fact that its deeper than just a disease. it cuts straight to my pride. if i'm being honest its embarrassing. its hard because it's another thing that makes me different. its hard because it means that i have to do something that i'm not good at, i have to be observant. i have to plan. i have to prepare. i have to constantly be aware of what i'm eating. more than anything though i had a meltdown because i came to realize that for the past 6 months i have been missing out on the lesson that i truly think God is trying to teach me: PERSEVERANCE. Celiac is the perfect opportunity for God to show me, on a very basic, concrete level, that i can't fix everything...that a doctor can't fix everything. there's not always a simple answer or a magic wand. sometimes the only answer is to just keep walking, knowing that He is laying the next stone for me to step on. He's asking me to step when i really can't see what's ahead, even though i have no control and no clue what to do, He is asking me to press on through the pain and uncertainty, knowing that the end result will be much more beautiful than these Earthly woes. He is asking me to persevere. this concept is extremely difficult for me and something that God has been teaching me for years and i'm sure will be teaching me for years to come. in the midst of the chaos though i am reminded of His faithfulness to turn the painful into the beautiful. the fact that His love and mercy doesn't let me get away with what my sinful nature desires but instead goes to the ends of the earth, even to the end of my personal comfort, to teach me more about Himself. That blows my mind. its incredible to think that Jesus will literally use whatever means necessary to teach us what it looks like to look like Himself. I serve an awesome God. it is not in celiac that i take joy, it is in the God who turns disease into life, that i find joy. thats crazy, through a disease that brings pain and harm to my earthly body, God is bringing life and health and wholeness to my spirit. now that is what is beautiful. that is what is joyful. that is what Christ is all about.
my prayer is that God continue His push to teach me to persevere, because my heart's prayer is that someday He have greater perseverance, for His namesake, in store for me. and how can i expect to persevere then, if i can't even persevere now, when i have every amenity and comfort i could ever ask for.
Thank God that my physical pain can be a testimony to the greatness of our Lord and Savior.
He truly makes everything glorious.

-abbie

*disclaimer: this is not a plea for pity, trust me, i hate pity. I praise God that it's not worse because it could be so so so much worse and i daily thank God for my health. this is all simply to show how God has been working through a difficult situation/adjustment/life-change. i use the term "disease", simply because it technically is, but on the scale of 1 to cancer, i'd say celiac falls pretty low. i am blessed to be in the state of health that i am, its more than this sinful skin deserves.