dear bear cub,
someday you will grow up.
someday you will realize the reality of the beauty and pain of this wood.
someday you will be beaten and broken.
someday your mother will no longer wipe your tears and mend your wounds.
someday your father will no longer be your provider.
those tasks will become your own. those responsibilities will rest on your shoulders.
but my dear, that day is far away.
today you are a cub, you are a child.
today you are brimming with life and innocence and freedom.
today you are pure.
my cub, live fully.
run. play. explore. imagine. dream.
dream today, before the world becomes limited.
dream today, while your heart still believes in magic.
dream today, while there is still light before your eyes.
today allow the world to be beautiful and limitless and good.
tomorrow the world may grow dark and try to swallow you.
but never forget the world you saw today, the world of light and love and magic.
someday the wolves will taunt you. they will
tell you that that world, your world does not exist. that it is nothing but a childish dream.
pay no mind to their pique.
when you reach the dusk, don't forget the things your young eyes saw at dawn.
the rivers and streams which once provided for you, will grow choppy and the waters will rise.
but my dear, you know how to swim, even if the best you can do is keep your head above the water, you must never give in.
today your eyes are fresh.
they have yet to see the shadows that lie beyond the cave.
always remember that this world was made for you.
made for you to love and delight in.
even when the darkness creeps in, the light promises to return.
the night will end.
the day will break.
the darkness will not last forever.
take heart my cub.
today is closing.
your someday is drawing near.
your eyes will see the dark, but they must never loose their glimmer.
for the protector of the wood will return.
He will bring with Him the light of the day.
He will take you from the turbulent waters.
He will carry you on His shoulders, up to the mountain of mercy.
He will keep you and protect you.
you will be His cub. forever.
keep your eyes on the mountain my cub.
your help is on His way.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
tears of joy and tears of pain
i think that thanksgiving is an interesting holiday.
on the one hand it is a beautiful idea, one day out of the year that people are supposed to think about all of the blessings in their lives...well at least until 9pm, when we start throwing elbows in Target to get our hands on a season of Glee for $13. But for at least 12 hours, we are thankful.
on the other hand, thanksgiving makes me kind of sad. especially this thanksgiving.
you see, 6 months ago one of my best friends, and honestly the funniest girl i know, lost her mother to cancer. the truth is that it's hard to say much about that time, Roxanne was and is an incredible woman, she loved the Lord with a passion that was contagious. she cared for the heart of every single person that she met, not because she was such a people person, but because she loved Jesus and that love flowed out of her so beautifully and freely. Everyone who met Roxy loved her, especially me. she is an inspiration. she was a perfect model of what it looks like to live your life with little regard to yourself, all for the glory of Jesus. not only did she leave a legacy through her impact on my life, and the lives of those who love her, but she left a legacy through her children, Travis, Bobby, and Tiffany. These three are incredible and watching them trust the Lord through such a painful and confusing time has done nothing but strengthen my faith and deepen my trust. But man is she ever missed. The struggle deepens when you stop and think about how Tiffany and the rest of the Clement/Pennington family is not the only family going through this kind of loss this thanksgiving...or any thanksgiving for that matter.
The thing about thanksgiving is that we are supposed to be thankful for what we have, but what about the times when thanksgiving comes and we don't feel very thankful?
The truth is that there are many truths.
First off, the truth is that we are all hurting. we have all loved and lost and cried and begged and forgotten and remembered and wished that everything was the way it used to be. sometimes 365 days is just enough time to change everything. and sometimes i think that pain might be too much for us to get past. we are broken. we are disappointed. we are hurting. we are tired. we are confused. we are everything but truly thankful.
Secondly, the truth is we all have cause to be thankful. you're thinking "yea. i know, we're all blessed to have homes and food and black friday." but i don't think we really understand gratefulness.
we don't get it. i don't get it.
this brings me to my final truth.
we are all called to "consider it pure joy my brothers when we face trials of various kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance" and why are we called to persevere? because when we let "perseverance finish its work that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing"(John 1:2-4)
you see, the thing is that thanksgiving isn't about sitting around a table with your napkin in your lap, telling the extended family that you're thankful for the straight A's you got, or your new puppy. None of that matters in the long run anyway. the truth is that i think thanksgiving is all about tears of joy and tears of pain. it's about looking at the last 365 days and realizing that a lot of them were great and a lot of them were awful, but most of them were just days. its about counting up the good days and the not so good days and then thanking God that He let you see the sunrise and set on each of them. I don't think that God wants half hearted thankfulness that we offer because a story book tells us that a bunch of pilgrims and indians did it hundreds of years ago...and for the record, the pilgrims and indians had crappy lives. we have lost sight of how we should be thankful to be given the great privilege and responsibility of living this one wild and beautiful life.
so cry on thanksgiving. cry because you've had 365 days of joy and pain and fear and struggle and laughs and memories and loss and gain and more than anything you've had 365 days of life. and that my friends is reason enough to be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving friends...eat some turkey, watch some football, and then go and stiff arm a soccer mom to get your hands on a 10 dollar memory foam bathmat. go buck wild folks. it only happens once a year.
be grateful.
christmas is in 34 days.
-Abbie.
another reason to be thankful on this thanksgiving day.
on the one hand it is a beautiful idea, one day out of the year that people are supposed to think about all of the blessings in their lives...well at least until 9pm, when we start throwing elbows in Target to get our hands on a season of Glee for $13. But for at least 12 hours, we are thankful.
on the other hand, thanksgiving makes me kind of sad. especially this thanksgiving.
you see, 6 months ago one of my best friends, and honestly the funniest girl i know, lost her mother to cancer. the truth is that it's hard to say much about that time, Roxanne was and is an incredible woman, she loved the Lord with a passion that was contagious. she cared for the heart of every single person that she met, not because she was such a people person, but because she loved Jesus and that love flowed out of her so beautifully and freely. Everyone who met Roxy loved her, especially me. she is an inspiration. she was a perfect model of what it looks like to live your life with little regard to yourself, all for the glory of Jesus. not only did she leave a legacy through her impact on my life, and the lives of those who love her, but she left a legacy through her children, Travis, Bobby, and Tiffany. These three are incredible and watching them trust the Lord through such a painful and confusing time has done nothing but strengthen my faith and deepen my trust. But man is she ever missed. The struggle deepens when you stop and think about how Tiffany and the rest of the Clement/Pennington family is not the only family going through this kind of loss this thanksgiving...or any thanksgiving for that matter.
The thing about thanksgiving is that we are supposed to be thankful for what we have, but what about the times when thanksgiving comes and we don't feel very thankful?
The truth is that there are many truths.
First off, the truth is that we are all hurting. we have all loved and lost and cried and begged and forgotten and remembered and wished that everything was the way it used to be. sometimes 365 days is just enough time to change everything. and sometimes i think that pain might be too much for us to get past. we are broken. we are disappointed. we are hurting. we are tired. we are confused. we are everything but truly thankful.
Secondly, the truth is we all have cause to be thankful. you're thinking "yea. i know, we're all blessed to have homes and food and black friday." but i don't think we really understand gratefulness.
we don't get it. i don't get it.
this brings me to my final truth.
we are all called to "consider it pure joy my brothers when we face trials of various kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance" and why are we called to persevere? because when we let "perseverance finish its work that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing"(John 1:2-4)
you see, the thing is that thanksgiving isn't about sitting around a table with your napkin in your lap, telling the extended family that you're thankful for the straight A's you got, or your new puppy. None of that matters in the long run anyway. the truth is that i think thanksgiving is all about tears of joy and tears of pain. it's about looking at the last 365 days and realizing that a lot of them were great and a lot of them were awful, but most of them were just days. its about counting up the good days and the not so good days and then thanking God that He let you see the sunrise and set on each of them. I don't think that God wants half hearted thankfulness that we offer because a story book tells us that a bunch of pilgrims and indians did it hundreds of years ago...and for the record, the pilgrims and indians had crappy lives. we have lost sight of how we should be thankful to be given the great privilege and responsibility of living this one wild and beautiful life.
so cry on thanksgiving. cry because you've had 365 days of joy and pain and fear and struggle and laughs and memories and loss and gain and more than anything you've had 365 days of life. and that my friends is reason enough to be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving friends...eat some turkey, watch some football, and then go and stiff arm a soccer mom to get your hands on a 10 dollar memory foam bathmat. go buck wild folks. it only happens once a year.
be grateful.
christmas is in 34 days.
-Abbie.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Bruce Lee
Back in the '60s when Bruce Lee began his film career, filmmakers
were met with an unfortunate issue. Back in the day video cameras could
only capture 60 frames per second, the problem was that Bruce Lee moved
so quickly that the frames could not catch him. His moves literally got
missed because he moved to fast for them to be picked up on film. So
what was the solution? Bruce had to slow down. He was moving to
fast. He could not be appreciated for his skill, because of his
extraordinary speed. Now anymore that would not be a problem, due to
technology, but Bruce Lee didn't live in the 21st century. He lived in a
world that forced him to take his skill and slow it down so that people
could see and appreciate his incredible, super human abilities. Slow Down.
So. There is actually a point to this. Ever since i learned this fun Bruce Lee fact it has stuck with me, the idea of him being unable to be captured by a camera has always been so beautiful and amazing. But over time it has evolved in its meaning to me and i now face a tough lesson that hinges on the words "slow down...you're moving to fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that".
So. There is actually a point to this. Ever since i learned this fun Bruce Lee fact it has stuck with me, the idea of him being unable to be captured by a camera has always been so beautiful and amazing. But over time it has evolved in its meaning to me and i now face a tough lesson that hinges on the words "slow down...you're moving to fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that".
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
if at first you don't succeed.
here's the ultimate tell into the psyche of abbie lay: when i was a child my favorite phrase was "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again"
in the eyes of a child this phrase was brilliant and powerful and brimming with potential. it told me that no matter how many times i screwed up, no matter how many times i failed, i could always pick myself up, dust myself off and simply try again. that eventually, i would get it right. as a kid this manifest itself in the fact that i was virtually fearless. i was bold and tenacious because i wasn't afraid of failure, i wasn't afraid to mess up because i had hope in trying again.
some how in the unbridled craziness of life i lost that freedom, the freedom of a child. this strength turned backwards on itself. One of my greatest freedoms became ultimately my driving fear. if i am painfully honest, which mostly i hate doing, my biggest fear in life is failure. the idea of being unable to do something, of attempting to do something and not being able to, falling short, disappointing people, disappointing myself, disappointing God. all of it at times has had enough power of intimidation that it has debilitated me and kept me from experiencing the fullness of God's plan for my life.
Well something terrifying happened this summer. i was placed in a position of leadership in which failure was not only inevitable but i was expected to welcome it. trial and error is not a process that i like to use, i prefer more of a one and done style. This past summer though in my position at New Life Ranch i was a part of team that was given the responsibility of planning, facilitating, and setting the tone for the large group activities at camp, along with other responsibilities. As i prepared for the summer i realized that my greatest struggle was going to be the fact that i was driven by fear, my fear of failing, my fear of disappointing my boss and the other people in my team, my fear of not being able to do the task that had been placed in front of me. The truth is that i wasn't trusting that God had chosen me for a purpose, i guess really i didn't believe that God could use me to do it. i was both excited and terrified to face the summer. Thankfully though i serve a gracious, faithful God who chooses broken, stupid people to use to do His work. He chose me. and that was the truth that i had to trust. Over the course of the summer the Lord began to break through my fortress of fear and show me that not only did it not matter is i failed or succeeded, but that true success didn't lie in my hands anyway, success at summer camp was not dependent upon how well Abbie Lay could be a jr camp sal. How prideful of me to even allow myself to entertain the thought that any part of the eternal value and success of camp has anything to do with me, i am nothing but a vessel.
Anyway as God began to strip me of my fear of failure, which did involve failures and screwing up, He soothed the burns with gifts and blessings that i didn't even know i was capable of manifesting. God proved Himself to be so faithful to me once again and all i had to do was stop looking at me and turn to look at Him.
Now, fast forward 2 months and you'll find me here. 9 weeks into the fall of my senior year of college. Once again allowing this fear of failure to begin to creep back in, completely forgetting the faithfulness of Jesus, i am such a painful picture of Israel. what was i saying? oh yes, so here i am. 21 years old. facing my impending doom...a.k.a graduating from college, and once again i start to fear failure, but this time it's not fear of failing man, but it's more a fear of failing God. a fear of not finishing well. i have this problem of extremism where i want to do everything and i want to invest myself into it fully. this is not possible or healthy or what God is calling me to do. in fact, God is really only calling me to do one thing, and once again by His unfailing love for me He has revealed to me(for the millionth time) what that one thing is.
As a follower of Jesus Christ the one command i am called to is to love the Lord my God. He is not standing at the end of a dark corridor saying "if you can just make it to the end, I'll hold you once you get there", and He is not standing behind me pushing me along, saying "ok, just keep pressing through, suck it up and keep going". no, today the creator of the universe is standing right beside me saying "come unto Me...and I will give you rest"(Matthew 11:28). Not, "come to me tomorrow and i will give you rest", not "come to me in 3 months and i will give you rest", but simply "come unto Me, and I will give you rest". Today. He is calling me to come to Him TODAY. all He wants is for me to come into His open arms. Jesus is so patient. those arms never close. that invitation never expires. He is always standing, waiting patiently for our love. Thats's all the Savior of mankind wants, all He wants is to be loved by us. WHAT? He wants MY love?
The beauty is that He cares about my love for Him. He doesn't care about my works, He knows that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own and that my worldly successes are all eternal failures. Literally the #1 thing He is asking for is our love and devotion. Jesus wants us folks. This is a big deal. The thing is that Jesus is teaching me that the thing that is the most important to Him is that above all else my heart belongs to Him. That daily I am choosing Him over the world, over myself. That every single day I am flying my flag of surrender, waiving my rights to myself, and saying to Him that no matter what other desires exist in my heart, my one consuming passion, my one driving force is HIM. He is it. the beginning, the end, the in-between. He is all. end of discussion.
Sure, all of this sounds simple, but the nature of the beast is selfishness. and no matter how much i may desire perfection, that is not what i've been given. I at my core am a sinner saved by grace. One who still suffers the from the fall of man, but who now has the opportunity to choose Jesus. The chance to say "You, Jesus, are worth more to me than myself, because I was worth more to You than Yourself." Why would I not want to surrender to that every single day? No matter how many times I hear that same truth I pray that it never stops astonishing me with its beauty and enormity.
Today, dear friends, i challenge you to remember "the invincible, unconquerable, unwearying patience of Jesus---'come unto Me'.".(Chambers)
-abbie.
lastly, brothers. beards. banjos. enjoy.
in the eyes of a child this phrase was brilliant and powerful and brimming with potential. it told me that no matter how many times i screwed up, no matter how many times i failed, i could always pick myself up, dust myself off and simply try again. that eventually, i would get it right. as a kid this manifest itself in the fact that i was virtually fearless. i was bold and tenacious because i wasn't afraid of failure, i wasn't afraid to mess up because i had hope in trying again.
some how in the unbridled craziness of life i lost that freedom, the freedom of a child. this strength turned backwards on itself. One of my greatest freedoms became ultimately my driving fear. if i am painfully honest, which mostly i hate doing, my biggest fear in life is failure. the idea of being unable to do something, of attempting to do something and not being able to, falling short, disappointing people, disappointing myself, disappointing God. all of it at times has had enough power of intimidation that it has debilitated me and kept me from experiencing the fullness of God's plan for my life.
Well something terrifying happened this summer. i was placed in a position of leadership in which failure was not only inevitable but i was expected to welcome it. trial and error is not a process that i like to use, i prefer more of a one and done style. This past summer though in my position at New Life Ranch i was a part of team that was given the responsibility of planning, facilitating, and setting the tone for the large group activities at camp, along with other responsibilities. As i prepared for the summer i realized that my greatest struggle was going to be the fact that i was driven by fear, my fear of failing, my fear of disappointing my boss and the other people in my team, my fear of not being able to do the task that had been placed in front of me. The truth is that i wasn't trusting that God had chosen me for a purpose, i guess really i didn't believe that God could use me to do it. i was both excited and terrified to face the summer. Thankfully though i serve a gracious, faithful God who chooses broken, stupid people to use to do His work. He chose me. and that was the truth that i had to trust. Over the course of the summer the Lord began to break through my fortress of fear and show me that not only did it not matter is i failed or succeeded, but that true success didn't lie in my hands anyway, success at summer camp was not dependent upon how well Abbie Lay could be a jr camp sal. How prideful of me to even allow myself to entertain the thought that any part of the eternal value and success of camp has anything to do with me, i am nothing but a vessel.
Anyway as God began to strip me of my fear of failure, which did involve failures and screwing up, He soothed the burns with gifts and blessings that i didn't even know i was capable of manifesting. God proved Himself to be so faithful to me once again and all i had to do was stop looking at me and turn to look at Him.
Now, fast forward 2 months and you'll find me here. 9 weeks into the fall of my senior year of college. Once again allowing this fear of failure to begin to creep back in, completely forgetting the faithfulness of Jesus, i am such a painful picture of Israel. what was i saying? oh yes, so here i am. 21 years old. facing my impending doom...a.k.a graduating from college, and once again i start to fear failure, but this time it's not fear of failing man, but it's more a fear of failing God. a fear of not finishing well. i have this problem of extremism where i want to do everything and i want to invest myself into it fully. this is not possible or healthy or what God is calling me to do. in fact, God is really only calling me to do one thing, and once again by His unfailing love for me He has revealed to me(for the millionth time) what that one thing is.
As a follower of Jesus Christ the one command i am called to is to love the Lord my God. He is not standing at the end of a dark corridor saying "if you can just make it to the end, I'll hold you once you get there", and He is not standing behind me pushing me along, saying "ok, just keep pressing through, suck it up and keep going". no, today the creator of the universe is standing right beside me saying "come unto Me...and I will give you rest"(Matthew 11:28). Not, "come to me tomorrow and i will give you rest", not "come to me in 3 months and i will give you rest", but simply "come unto Me, and I will give you rest". Today. He is calling me to come to Him TODAY. all He wants is for me to come into His open arms. Jesus is so patient. those arms never close. that invitation never expires. He is always standing, waiting patiently for our love. Thats's all the Savior of mankind wants, all He wants is to be loved by us. WHAT? He wants MY love?
The beauty is that He cares about my love for Him. He doesn't care about my works, He knows that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own and that my worldly successes are all eternal failures. Literally the #1 thing He is asking for is our love and devotion. Jesus wants us folks. This is a big deal. The thing is that Jesus is teaching me that the thing that is the most important to Him is that above all else my heart belongs to Him. That daily I am choosing Him over the world, over myself. That every single day I am flying my flag of surrender, waiving my rights to myself, and saying to Him that no matter what other desires exist in my heart, my one consuming passion, my one driving force is HIM. He is it. the beginning, the end, the in-between. He is all. end of discussion.
Sure, all of this sounds simple, but the nature of the beast is selfishness. and no matter how much i may desire perfection, that is not what i've been given. I at my core am a sinner saved by grace. One who still suffers the from the fall of man, but who now has the opportunity to choose Jesus. The chance to say "You, Jesus, are worth more to me than myself, because I was worth more to You than Yourself." Why would I not want to surrender to that every single day? No matter how many times I hear that same truth I pray that it never stops astonishing me with its beauty and enormity.
Today, dear friends, i challenge you to remember "the invincible, unconquerable, unwearying patience of Jesus---'come unto Me'.".(Chambers)
-abbie.
lastly, brothers. beards. banjos. enjoy.
Monday, June 11, 2012
rocketman
guys, news flash, God is so cool.
so i've been at camp for roughly one month, i think i'm just 4 days shy of a full 4 weeks at NLR, which is great but the truth is i haven't had much time to process what i've learned and seen and experienced. Now i certainly am trying to keep up with the learning and processing in the moment, but realistically i get 5 hours of sleep a night and go non stop from the moment i rise till i go to sleep...so hard as i may try, my efforts may well be in vain. But that's what makes God so cool, He is faithful and awesome because although i may have no idea what i'm learning through my job at camp that doesn't mean that i'm not learning and that my mind isn't constantly swarming with thoughts and ideas and revelations about Him.
This is all came about last Wednesday night, i was with my co SAL Jessica and the nurse's assistant Kaitlyn, it was like 11:30 p.m. and we were on a late night walmart run to buy socks for a camper who had none and a new brush for a little girl who was being treated for lice(Lord save us all) and as we were driving away from the ranch Kaitlyn commented on how big the moon was, i kid you not the moment we looked at the moon we probably almost wrecked because we were so taken by its enormity and its beauty. The moon was huge and full and a fiery orange, i have never seen a moon so beautiful, so obviously we freaked out and started trying to figure out why it was that way, only to find that the lunar cycle was supposed to be a waning cresent, which i guarantee you, it was not. As we were talking about this miracle moon i made the comment that it was so extraordinary because the moon on its own is dull and ugly, it's nothing but a big rock in space, the only thing that makes it special is the light that it reflects from the sun. The glory of the moon is only possible because of the glory of another source.
So theres this Phil Wickham song that says "if you are the sun then i want to be the moon" which tied in so beautifully with our lunar joy, but for the past 5 days those words have been seared into my brain. God is so cool because we on our own are dull and ugly, we have nothing to offer, no beauty, no wits, no wisdom, nothing new or original or creative or meaningful. We are the moon, we are nothing but masses, taking up space, but we have purpose, we have an original source that shines it's brilliant light upon us and allows us to be the light in the darkness.
Heres the other cool thing about that, ever since that day i have been seeing so many beautiful pictures of people in my life and the lives of my friends being the moon to the sun, that is Jesus Christ. you see, the Lord has but some truly incredible people in my life that very literally are the hands and feet of Christ to either myself or my friends. I have these friends who are in a relationship and she was describing to me how the boy had been so consistent in his pursuit of her since the very beginning, even when she waivered and pushed him away and needed breaks, he would allow it, but he never stopped caring for her and never stopped fighting for her...now i know that it's cheesy on the surface level, but the truth is Jesus is using that boy as a picture of Himself in my friends life. in reality that relationship isn't about two flawed people trying to work something out, it's about the Lord receiving glory, and the truth is that's what it's all about, this life on the surface may look cliche and standard, but realistically every word, every action, every moment of every day is about the Father receiving the glory that is due Him. He allows us to not only be image bearers, but glory bearers.
He allows us to be the moon.
Thank God that i am dull and ugly and invaluable.
let me soak up the light, that i may be a light, reflecting Him in the dark.
-abbie-
*i just want to spend one day doing nothing but watching Downton Abbey and Arrested Development.
so i've been at camp for roughly one month, i think i'm just 4 days shy of a full 4 weeks at NLR, which is great but the truth is i haven't had much time to process what i've learned and seen and experienced. Now i certainly am trying to keep up with the learning and processing in the moment, but realistically i get 5 hours of sleep a night and go non stop from the moment i rise till i go to sleep...so hard as i may try, my efforts may well be in vain. But that's what makes God so cool, He is faithful and awesome because although i may have no idea what i'm learning through my job at camp that doesn't mean that i'm not learning and that my mind isn't constantly swarming with thoughts and ideas and revelations about Him.
This is all came about last Wednesday night, i was with my co SAL Jessica and the nurse's assistant Kaitlyn, it was like 11:30 p.m. and we were on a late night walmart run to buy socks for a camper who had none and a new brush for a little girl who was being treated for lice(Lord save us all) and as we were driving away from the ranch Kaitlyn commented on how big the moon was, i kid you not the moment we looked at the moon we probably almost wrecked because we were so taken by its enormity and its beauty. The moon was huge and full and a fiery orange, i have never seen a moon so beautiful, so obviously we freaked out and started trying to figure out why it was that way, only to find that the lunar cycle was supposed to be a waning cresent, which i guarantee you, it was not. As we were talking about this miracle moon i made the comment that it was so extraordinary because the moon on its own is dull and ugly, it's nothing but a big rock in space, the only thing that makes it special is the light that it reflects from the sun. The glory of the moon is only possible because of the glory of another source.
So theres this Phil Wickham song that says "if you are the sun then i want to be the moon" which tied in so beautifully with our lunar joy, but for the past 5 days those words have been seared into my brain. God is so cool because we on our own are dull and ugly, we have nothing to offer, no beauty, no wits, no wisdom, nothing new or original or creative or meaningful. We are the moon, we are nothing but masses, taking up space, but we have purpose, we have an original source that shines it's brilliant light upon us and allows us to be the light in the darkness.
Heres the other cool thing about that, ever since that day i have been seeing so many beautiful pictures of people in my life and the lives of my friends being the moon to the sun, that is Jesus Christ. you see, the Lord has but some truly incredible people in my life that very literally are the hands and feet of Christ to either myself or my friends. I have these friends who are in a relationship and she was describing to me how the boy had been so consistent in his pursuit of her since the very beginning, even when she waivered and pushed him away and needed breaks, he would allow it, but he never stopped caring for her and never stopped fighting for her...now i know that it's cheesy on the surface level, but the truth is Jesus is using that boy as a picture of Himself in my friends life. in reality that relationship isn't about two flawed people trying to work something out, it's about the Lord receiving glory, and the truth is that's what it's all about, this life on the surface may look cliche and standard, but realistically every word, every action, every moment of every day is about the Father receiving the glory that is due Him. He allows us to not only be image bearers, but glory bearers.
He allows us to be the moon.
Thank God that i am dull and ugly and invaluable.
let me soak up the light, that i may be a light, reflecting Him in the dark.
-abbie-
*i just want to spend one day doing nothing but watching Downton Abbey and Arrested Development.
Monday, April 16, 2012
a spate of joy.
I have had the feeling lately that pessimism has been allowed to reign and rule in me and though that is 100% who i am in this sinful flesh, it is a poor, poor representation of the life that Christ daily calls me to live. The truth is that i despise pessimism, nothing is worse than looking at a negative situation with a negative disposition. i mean really, why do we avoid hope when it lies directly before us every moment, waiting for us to simply cut the ties and jump aboard. there is certainly risk, but only the risk of finding that everything truly is going to be "ok" and we were wrong about it all along. how prideful we must be.
That being said, i realize that i need to take more time to intentionally share the joys and beauties that God allows us, to remind us of His delight in bringing a smile to our faces; He loves us so much and wants this life to be a glorious adventure, not just a brutal battle. The fight is so much easier to bear with the truth that the calm follows the storm. God has once again proven Himself utterly faithful and, for lack of a more all encompassing word, loving.
i am so undeserving of the love that He bestows upon me, but i would be a fool to not recognize that every single smile, every laugh, is an extraordinary gift coming straight from the Father to His fickle child. I simply cannot comprehend that, the extravagant love of my King. He has done great things.
The past few days have been the fullness of the title of this post, a spate of joy.
A "spate" is a sudden, almost overwhelming, outpouring. In this case it was a sudden outpouring of love, straight from Jesus, through some of my dearest friends and some friends who are now much more dear.
i suppose that the most time effective way to do this would be to compile a concise list of the top 5 events of the past few days that showed me the Lord's gracious, loving kindness and His faithfulness to fill me up right as the cup is about to run dry.
1. It began with a simple letter from a sweet New Life friend named Lindsay. She had written a letter of both encouragement and of prayer for me and my job at NLR this coming summer. i've given satan a lot of leeway this semester and exposed my weaknesses to let him in and completely tear down my trust in the sovereignty of God in placing me at the Ranch for a purpose this coming summer. For the past few months i have been in constant battle to move out of the realm of placing faith in feeling, to placing faith in truth, and the truth is that God has a plan and a purpose, and the Lord i think gave me that sweet note from Lindsay to remind me that He really does have something at work that i simply cannot yet see, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Lindsay's letter beautifully set the stage for an altogether memorable weekend.
2. music & roadtrips. nothing soothes my soul like the open road and my ipod. thrown into this mix is the concert that i went to on Friday, The Avett Brothers...second time in a month. totally worth it. They are incredible.
3. conversation. it's been awhile since i've had a conversation that made me want to learn. the truth is i really love learning and i really love reading and i got to have a conversation with some camp friends that made me want to go home and read every single one of the books that is on my list, and then read everything else. my desire to know Jesus grows infinitely with a particular group of friends that i have and i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that stimulate my mind and remind of why i love learning.
4. Family. my sister just finished all the steps to becoming an LPC(licensed professional counselor) and i am so so proud of her! For the first time in quite some time we went out for a family lunch on Sunday, along with my brother in law's parents, and for the millionth time i was reminded of how incredibly blessed i am to have been born into my family. i cannot imagine me without them, each member has been such an integral part of who i am. it is such a lovely thing to see my family grow and develop and i could just cry when i think about how beautiful it is that each person in my family is truly looking like Jesus more and more everyday. astounding. Also my dad was nominated to be an elder at Fellowship, which brings so much joy to my heart. The Lord has so blessed my father's faithfulness and integrity. He is an amazing man and i am so thankful that i am his daughter. i pray that someday my children have a father that mirrors the Fatherly qualities of God as much as my own father does.
5. humility. God has been humbling my heart a whole lot this past year and something that He has consistently done is give me opportunity and responsibility that i know i am completely unworthy of. this past sunday sweet Courtney Matthews and i were once again given the honor to talk to a group of high school seniors about what it looks like to love Jesus in college. The funny thing is that all i could think about the whole time was, it is only by the overwhelming grace of God that i have grown more and more in love with Jesus through the past 3 years of college. What's funny is that i know there is nothing right that i have done in college, all i have done is try my hardest to keep my eyes on the cross and it humbles me immensely to see how God has used that. its beautiful to look at a group of young girls and see hearts that are desiring to honor Christ with their college years. It is an altogether humbling to know that i have done absolutely nothing to get where i am today. Jesus is so faithful and wonderful. Gosh He is great.
so yes, this was quite a spate of joy. and i wanted to share because i never want to overlook all of the joy that the Lord fills every single day with.
if we simply take the time to see the ordinary as extraordinary we significantly alter our outlook. there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to open our eyes to the beauty.
-abbie.
That being said, i realize that i need to take more time to intentionally share the joys and beauties that God allows us, to remind us of His delight in bringing a smile to our faces; He loves us so much and wants this life to be a glorious adventure, not just a brutal battle. The fight is so much easier to bear with the truth that the calm follows the storm. God has once again proven Himself utterly faithful and, for lack of a more all encompassing word, loving.
i am so undeserving of the love that He bestows upon me, but i would be a fool to not recognize that every single smile, every laugh, is an extraordinary gift coming straight from the Father to His fickle child. I simply cannot comprehend that, the extravagant love of my King. He has done great things.
The past few days have been the fullness of the title of this post, a spate of joy.
A "spate" is a sudden, almost overwhelming, outpouring. In this case it was a sudden outpouring of love, straight from Jesus, through some of my dearest friends and some friends who are now much more dear.
i suppose that the most time effective way to do this would be to compile a concise list of the top 5 events of the past few days that showed me the Lord's gracious, loving kindness and His faithfulness to fill me up right as the cup is about to run dry.
1. It began with a simple letter from a sweet New Life friend named Lindsay. She had written a letter of both encouragement and of prayer for me and my job at NLR this coming summer. i've given satan a lot of leeway this semester and exposed my weaknesses to let him in and completely tear down my trust in the sovereignty of God in placing me at the Ranch for a purpose this coming summer. For the past few months i have been in constant battle to move out of the realm of placing faith in feeling, to placing faith in truth, and the truth is that God has a plan and a purpose, and the Lord i think gave me that sweet note from Lindsay to remind me that He really does have something at work that i simply cannot yet see, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Lindsay's letter beautifully set the stage for an altogether memorable weekend.
2. music & roadtrips. nothing soothes my soul like the open road and my ipod. thrown into this mix is the concert that i went to on Friday, The Avett Brothers...second time in a month. totally worth it. They are incredible.
3. conversation. it's been awhile since i've had a conversation that made me want to learn. the truth is i really love learning and i really love reading and i got to have a conversation with some camp friends that made me want to go home and read every single one of the books that is on my list, and then read everything else. my desire to know Jesus grows infinitely with a particular group of friends that i have and i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that stimulate my mind and remind of why i love learning.
4. Family. my sister just finished all the steps to becoming an LPC(licensed professional counselor) and i am so so proud of her! For the first time in quite some time we went out for a family lunch on Sunday, along with my brother in law's parents, and for the millionth time i was reminded of how incredibly blessed i am to have been born into my family. i cannot imagine me without them, each member has been such an integral part of who i am. it is such a lovely thing to see my family grow and develop and i could just cry when i think about how beautiful it is that each person in my family is truly looking like Jesus more and more everyday. astounding. Also my dad was nominated to be an elder at Fellowship, which brings so much joy to my heart. The Lord has so blessed my father's faithfulness and integrity. He is an amazing man and i am so thankful that i am his daughter. i pray that someday my children have a father that mirrors the Fatherly qualities of God as much as my own father does.
5. humility. God has been humbling my heart a whole lot this past year and something that He has consistently done is give me opportunity and responsibility that i know i am completely unworthy of. this past sunday sweet Courtney Matthews and i were once again given the honor to talk to a group of high school seniors about what it looks like to love Jesus in college. The funny thing is that all i could think about the whole time was, it is only by the overwhelming grace of God that i have grown more and more in love with Jesus through the past 3 years of college. What's funny is that i know there is nothing right that i have done in college, all i have done is try my hardest to keep my eyes on the cross and it humbles me immensely to see how God has used that. its beautiful to look at a group of young girls and see hearts that are desiring to honor Christ with their college years. It is an altogether humbling to know that i have done absolutely nothing to get where i am today. Jesus is so faithful and wonderful. Gosh He is great.
so yes, this was quite a spate of joy. and i wanted to share because i never want to overlook all of the joy that the Lord fills every single day with.
if we simply take the time to see the ordinary as extraordinary we significantly alter our outlook. there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to open our eyes to the beauty.
-abbie.
Monday, April 9, 2012
White Flags
I was listening to this song the other day called Lego House by Ed Sheeran and it really got me thinking about Jesus and me and my heart. theres a line in the song that says:
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it.
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.
and i've never felt freer.
here are the facts:
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)
guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.
-abbie.
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it.
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.
and i've never felt freer.
here are the facts:
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)
guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.
-abbie.
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