Ok so I just read my friend Sadie's blog and was inspired to do what she had done in her blog, thought it was a pretty good way to get me thinking and get the juices flowing in my brain, so here goes.
Currently I am....
....sitting in Arsagas trying to avoid eye contact with my professor who just walked in(i am confident that she: a. doesn't know my name, and b. hates me)
....listening to my knew favorite song, U.F.O by coldplay, i am absolutely raving over their new album. if i could only listen to one band for the rest of my life it would be coldplay, hands down.
......missing my best friends Karly Kenyon, Meredith Dunn, and Meredith Hawkins. lost without them.
.....praying that God will do work in teaching me how to be administrative
.....wondering what the Lord has in store for me as the new president of IJM at the U of A.
.....wondering what the Lord has in store for me for the summer, New Life? Summer School? Internship? I HAVE NO IDEA. but i like it that way.
....pondering how it is just so funny that God can completely change everything you thought you ever wanted in the blink of an eye and to your surprise you find out that the new thing is actually what you wanted...you just never knew it until you let go.
....thinking about how homesick i am for Heaven. my heart longs to be with Jesus. I don't care about bucket lists or changing the world before I die, sure those are good adventures along the way, but in this one the destination is way more beautiful than the journey. I wanna meet my Savior face to face. Hug Him. see Him smile like I have never seen anyone smile because it will be full of perfect and complete joy and love. I have tears in my eyes thinking about that moment. I can't wait. I pray that I live a life here on Earth that is evidence to Him of just how much I love Him, because my love for Him is beyond reason and explanation, and its because His love for me is outside of reason and explanation. Beautiful.
......also i am avoiding homework..dang it, why am i the worst?
I have this problem where all i want to do is throw myself head first into EVERY opportunity, I don't want to miss things, I don't want to miss out on opportunities to do what I am passionate about, but I do that at the expense of my responsibilities. My greatest battle is that between ministry opportunities and school responsibilities. I think about dropping out every single day without fail. I pray every day that God give me a heart for school, but its just so hard when i'm not even learning about Him and at that not even liking my major...but then i remember, just a year and a half and then i'm done and i can truthfully say "here I am Lord, send me". GOSH I LOVE JESUS. I love Him so much. I can't even contain myself.
-Abbie.
ALSO i am currently consumed with my desire to be in Florida RIGHT NOW. my family is going for thanksgiving and i am potentially going in 2 weekends and its all i can think of cause i just want sunshine and the sea. the ocean is my love language. but really.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
love and war and the sea in between.
"Here I stand before Your throne, asking You to be the voice of the dreamer. Be the whisper. Hush the voice of doubt. Hush the fear of failure. The voice that tells me that I am in over my head, of course I am, but You are the sea and You are the life boat. You surround. This could be a 'set your sail and risk the ocean' moment. So boldly I will raise the anchor and cut the rope that ties me to the shore of certainty, to the shore of safety. My flesh longs to stay tied to the dock, but my soul yearns for the storm, to find You in the hurricane. In high tide and in low tide, faithful You remain. There is nothing to fear in Your seas, all that exists are waves of mercy and grace. Give me storms when i need them and smooth waters when You permit. And even if this ship goes down and the journey ends, I will know that is has only just begun and You will always remain. You, my choppy waters. You, my hurricane. You, my driving winds and pelting rain. You, my rays of sunlight. You, my crystal sea. You, my life vest. You, my light house. You, my starry night. You remain the same."
(journal entry, 9-25-2011)
That is my heart.
i love my Savior and i love the sea.
i want to be bold. i want to love fearlessly. i want my life to be risky. i want to thrive in the uncertainty. i want to traipse courageously into the unknown grasping the hand of Jesus. i want to bypass any notion of rationality or logic and simply follow Him, even when it doesn't make sense and the whole world tells me i am a fool. I still want to say yes to His beckoning.
i want an adventure.
-abbie.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
red paint.
so i've been thinking a lot lately.
thinking about what exactly i'm doing. what is the purpose for my fall semester of my junior year of college. my purpose for september of 2011. my purpose for this day. If God in His mercy has chosen to give me breath for today their is obviously divine potential for every second. I read a book one time called Chasing Daylight, by Erwin McManus, and its about capturing your divine moment, in other words its about taking advantage of every moment we have and using it to the utmost for the Kingdom. Lets be honest, at this i fail. i am the absolute worst at recognizing, or at least acknowledging God's purpose for the moments that I have been given. I often choose to ignore my convictions because i lack the courage to represent Jesus Christ, or at least i am to complacent and stagnant enough to not represent Jesus. this truth breaks my heart to write. why? why can i not be more bold for a Savior that gave it all for me? In John 17, before He is arrested and brutally murdered He prays for ME(but really all of us) for my soul and my livelihood, He prays that God have mercy on my soul and i can't even bring Him up to a class mate, why? I spoke the name of Jesus probably 100 times every day at camp with the greatest of ease and i come back here and i don't even talk about Jesus with my Christian roommates every day. that makes me want to cry.
So here is ultimately what i have been thinking about, the name of Jesus Christ. If we have been given the privilege, the honor, the task, to speak the name of Jesus every single day why don't we do it? we call ourselves followers of Jesus but we hesitate to utter His name in public. Being a true follower of Jesus should be like having wet red paint on your hands, no matter what you do you should be leaving marks on everything you touch. You should be making a stain on everything and everyone you come into contact with. i want to make some stains.
I'm memorizing Philippians 2 right now and it says:
" Christ Jesus, who though He was in the form of God, didn't count equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men and being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven an on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father"(philippians 2:6-11)
so why don't we say THAT name? the name that is above every name. the name that has all power and authority to take every created being to their knees just at its mention. What would happen if we stopped being "Christians" and started being Followers of Jesus Christ. we say we are Christians so that we don't have to say the name of Jesus, cause Jesus is offensive, nothing about Jesus is easy. He is an uncomfortable subject. But He is the only name in heaven and on earth and under the earth that matters.
I want to be a follower of Jesus. I want to stain the world with the red paint of the name of Jesus Christ and His renown. How can we show Jesus that we love Him if we don't say His name?
lets love Jesus. lets speak His name. In His name there is power. in His name there is love. in His name there is salvation. spread it.
-abbie.
thinking about what exactly i'm doing. what is the purpose for my fall semester of my junior year of college. my purpose for september of 2011. my purpose for this day. If God in His mercy has chosen to give me breath for today their is obviously divine potential for every second. I read a book one time called Chasing Daylight, by Erwin McManus, and its about capturing your divine moment, in other words its about taking advantage of every moment we have and using it to the utmost for the Kingdom. Lets be honest, at this i fail. i am the absolute worst at recognizing, or at least acknowledging God's purpose for the moments that I have been given. I often choose to ignore my convictions because i lack the courage to represent Jesus Christ, or at least i am to complacent and stagnant enough to not represent Jesus. this truth breaks my heart to write. why? why can i not be more bold for a Savior that gave it all for me? In John 17, before He is arrested and brutally murdered He prays for ME(but really all of us) for my soul and my livelihood, He prays that God have mercy on my soul and i can't even bring Him up to a class mate, why? I spoke the name of Jesus probably 100 times every day at camp with the greatest of ease and i come back here and i don't even talk about Jesus with my Christian roommates every day. that makes me want to cry.
So here is ultimately what i have been thinking about, the name of Jesus Christ. If we have been given the privilege, the honor, the task, to speak the name of Jesus every single day why don't we do it? we call ourselves followers of Jesus but we hesitate to utter His name in public. Being a true follower of Jesus should be like having wet red paint on your hands, no matter what you do you should be leaving marks on everything you touch. You should be making a stain on everything and everyone you come into contact with. i want to make some stains.
I'm memorizing Philippians 2 right now and it says:
" Christ Jesus, who though He was in the form of God, didn't count equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men and being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven an on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father"(philippians 2:6-11)
so why don't we say THAT name? the name that is above every name. the name that has all power and authority to take every created being to their knees just at its mention. What would happen if we stopped being "Christians" and started being Followers of Jesus Christ. we say we are Christians so that we don't have to say the name of Jesus, cause Jesus is offensive, nothing about Jesus is easy. He is an uncomfortable subject. But He is the only name in heaven and on earth and under the earth that matters.
I want to be a follower of Jesus. I want to stain the world with the red paint of the name of Jesus Christ and His renown. How can we show Jesus that we love Him if we don't say His name?
lets love Jesus. lets speak His name. In His name there is power. in His name there is love. in His name there is salvation. spread it.
-abbie.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
abide.
"are not there little chapters in everybodys life that seem like nothing, and yet affect all the rest of history?"
-William Makepeace Thackeray
thats a good thing about being an english major, i'm always finding the greatest quotes. This one comes from Vanity Fair by Thackeray, he's kinda brilliant.
so i've been thinking about God a lot lately. What i've been thinking is that i want to be like Hosea and Jeremiah...and that directly relates to God. You see Hosea and Jeremiah were two really, really faithful men in the Bible that God called to really difficult missions, and rather than running or arguing or fighting God, they simply obeyed. I think often times people think that obedience and submission are signs of weakness, but i think they are actually a sign of true strength. There is nothing weak about saying "not my will be done, but Yours", i mean really think about it, that one sentence is essentially saying "despite my desires for comfort and safety and my own way, i would rather have Your way, even if it means poverty, pain, and uncertainty". But heres the thing, thats what we are called too. I think a lot of times we tell ourselves that we are living in submission to the Lord, we say that we are willing to follow His call wherever it leads, but are we really? How often do we glaze over a word from God simply because it is hard? "What Jesus says is hard, it is only easy when it is heard by those who have His disposition. Beware of allowing anything to soften a hard word of Jesus Christ"(chambers). Am i willing to lay down my desires, bypass all practicality and tell Jesus that all that matters to me that His will be done in my life? Am i willing to be a pawn? Am i willing to accept the fact that my life is just a sentence in the fullness of His story? if i truly want God's will i have to let go of me. i have to let go of it all and be fully His, not mine. I want that. I want to abide.
Father, make me invisble, that You may be seen more clearly.
abbie.
-William Makepeace Thackeray
thats a good thing about being an english major, i'm always finding the greatest quotes. This one comes from Vanity Fair by Thackeray, he's kinda brilliant.
so i've been thinking about God a lot lately. What i've been thinking is that i want to be like Hosea and Jeremiah...and that directly relates to God. You see Hosea and Jeremiah were two really, really faithful men in the Bible that God called to really difficult missions, and rather than running or arguing or fighting God, they simply obeyed. I think often times people think that obedience and submission are signs of weakness, but i think they are actually a sign of true strength. There is nothing weak about saying "not my will be done, but Yours", i mean really think about it, that one sentence is essentially saying "despite my desires for comfort and safety and my own way, i would rather have Your way, even if it means poverty, pain, and uncertainty". But heres the thing, thats what we are called too. I think a lot of times we tell ourselves that we are living in submission to the Lord, we say that we are willing to follow His call wherever it leads, but are we really? How often do we glaze over a word from God simply because it is hard? "What Jesus says is hard, it is only easy when it is heard by those who have His disposition. Beware of allowing anything to soften a hard word of Jesus Christ"(chambers). Am i willing to lay down my desires, bypass all practicality and tell Jesus that all that matters to me that His will be done in my life? Am i willing to be a pawn? Am i willing to accept the fact that my life is just a sentence in the fullness of His story? if i truly want God's will i have to let go of me. i have to let go of it all and be fully His, not mine. I want that. I want to abide.
Father, make me invisble, that You may be seen more clearly.
abbie.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
the calm.
the calm comes before the storm. is that my life right now?
I worked at a Christian camp all summer long and for 11 weeks the majority of that time people experience to some degree or another an emotional overload...except for me. I was unemotional to the point that i nearly lost the ability to cry. Now of course my joy went untouched(thank the Lord) but that is because even though i wasn't "feeling" the Lord in big ways, i was still daily experiencing His goodness and faithfulness, i felt like i was sitting back all summer and watching Him work, and for some reason, that is beyond my comprehension, He chose to use me. He didn't need me or require my submission to get His work done, but in His greatness He chose to use a broken, prideful, messy, out of her mind kid to pour love and truth into the life of other staff and campers. All the while He was pouring truth and love into me through His word and those around me.
He blessed me beyond my expectations this summer and for that i am eternally thankful, its funny how God places amazing followers of Christ in your life for an itty bitty season to remind you that they exist and then takes them away to remind you that the body of Christ is about going out into the world. God gave me the 7 best friends that i have ever had in my entire life over the summer, through them i got to see true passion Jesus Christ, i saw followers of Jesus like I never have before. I got to be encouraged every single day by these people for 11 weeks. HOLY SMOKES. Thank you Jesus. But heres the kicker, we are spread out all across the states, and i'm the only one in Arkansas. Richmond, Greenville, Winston-Salem, Stillwater, Bolivar, Stillwater, and Norman. what the heck, but its so beautiful. Beautiful to think that the light of Jesus is alive in those places through true followers of Jesus Christ. AH! God is at work folks and nothing we do or don't do is gonna slow Him down. jump on board cause He's calling.
I worked at a Christian camp all summer long and for 11 weeks the majority of that time people experience to some degree or another an emotional overload...except for me. I was unemotional to the point that i nearly lost the ability to cry. Now of course my joy went untouched(thank the Lord) but that is because even though i wasn't "feeling" the Lord in big ways, i was still daily experiencing His goodness and faithfulness, i felt like i was sitting back all summer and watching Him work, and for some reason, that is beyond my comprehension, He chose to use me. He didn't need me or require my submission to get His work done, but in His greatness He chose to use a broken, prideful, messy, out of her mind kid to pour love and truth into the life of other staff and campers. All the while He was pouring truth and love into me through His word and those around me.
He blessed me beyond my expectations this summer and for that i am eternally thankful, its funny how God places amazing followers of Christ in your life for an itty bitty season to remind you that they exist and then takes them away to remind you that the body of Christ is about going out into the world. God gave me the 7 best friends that i have ever had in my entire life over the summer, through them i got to see true passion Jesus Christ, i saw followers of Jesus like I never have before. I got to be encouraged every single day by these people for 11 weeks. HOLY SMOKES. Thank you Jesus. But heres the kicker, we are spread out all across the states, and i'm the only one in Arkansas. Richmond, Greenville, Winston-Salem, Stillwater, Bolivar, Stillwater, and Norman. what the heck, but its so beautiful. Beautiful to think that the light of Jesus is alive in those places through true followers of Jesus Christ. AH! God is at work folks and nothing we do or don't do is gonna slow Him down. jump on board cause He's calling.
So heres the real deal, over the summer my lack of emotional high led into something bigger, slowly over 11 weeks i lost all mission and vision for my life. no joke. I suddenly realized one night during NLR unplugged(worship service on Friday night) that i had no idea what i was doing with my life and couldn't think of a single thing that i wanted to do. i had lost all passion for anything. previously i was excited about the idea of teaching and youth ministry, and those were both gone simultaneously. i literally couldn't think of a single thing that i wanted to do with my life, a single mission that i could get excited about. i had lost all heart for anything other than Jesus. at first i was terrified, then i was disappointed, then i was confused, then i decided to try and guess what God was doing...bad idea. i started putting my hope into my own idea of what God was doing in my life and why He had taken away all passion and desire. Well that crashed and burned. what i thought was doing turned out to be a complete bust and i ended up putting my hope into something that in the end hurt my heart. once that happened(2 days ago...oops) i decided that i had to let go(again) of any and all expectations i had of God's plan and decided that i need to get back to submission because the truth is I have NO IDEA what God is doing in my life, no idea what His plan is, and no idea what He wants for me, all i know is that if i am living in daily obedience then i am living the will of God, and truly that is all i need to know. so for a total of 24 hours my heart was at complete rest in Jesus, something that He had been desiring of me all summer, something that i had failed at majorly all summer, He graciously took away the biggest desire of my heart just so that i could have another opportunity to learn how to rest in Him, something that i need desperately. cause surprise, i am rarely at rest. i can trust God but i am rarely at rest, i am always thinking, planning, projecting, analyzing, etc. instead of just laying back into Him and letting Him have complete control. I have never experienced what i have been experiencing in these last 2 days. But today i think God changed my heart. He brought me my big dream. i, for the first time all summer, got a call on my heart and found excitement and passion in something that i have never even considered for myself, for my life. i was talking to a guy in my prisoner written literature class(riveting, i know) and he told me that he wanted to go to law school and it hit me like and anvil hitting wylie coyote in an old bugs bunny cartoon...i want to go to law school. i realized that i have a heart for refugees, especially for those from countries torn by civil war(like Sudan). i realized that the thought of being a human rights and civil liberties lawyer brings tears to my eyes. i never in a million years would have even entertained the idea of being a lawyer, but suddenly it is all i want to do. I knew that through God removing all passions and desires in my life it was because He was about to do something big in my life, it just came in a different package then i ever would have imagined. But now i am convinced that law school is the next step. i seriously never would have imagined, my mind is blown by that way He works. This is what i thought He was bringing, and getting here hurt me, but in the end this is so much better than i could have expected. now i have a vision. so, yea. thats it.
all i know is that i love Jesus. "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." He is making that real every moment. all i have to do is take the next step.
my heart is racing.
thats all Jesus.
i want Him and only Him.
all i know is that i love Jesus. "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." He is making that real every moment. all i have to do is take the next step.
my heart is racing.
thats all Jesus.
i want Him and only Him.
abbie lay.
Monday, May 23, 2011
i love you, tomorrow.
T6 for good measure.
1-i leave for camp tomorrow. bittersweet. just praying that the Lord does work and that i essentially get to sit back and watch Him in action. please be praying for me this summer that the Lord supplies for my needs and that i never stop seeking Him. He knows what i need, He is faithful, just pray that i remain faithful in return.
2-my wonderful, adorable, amazing parents have officially been married for 30 years. crazy. their marriage is such a beautiful blessing and example in my life. if it has taught me anything it is that your marriage isn't just a commitment to another person, but a commitment to the Lord, therefore no matter how hard or painful or frustrating it gets you never walk away, ever. thank you mom and dad for loving the Lord enough to keep loving each other through it all. i know my life and your life will be blessed by the integrity of your marriage.(p.s. my parents are happy and love eac other...no worries.
3- family dinners. tonight the family hit P.F. Changs and TCBY for a little family time to celebrate the rents anniversary and my last night before camp. lets just say awesome. i love my family so so much and am so blessed by them and the time we have together. God truly gave me the best when it comes to family. only wish my brother michael could have been there. i miss him beyond belief. good ol' Florida had to steal him away.
4-steriod shots. i have ridiculously bad seasonal allergies. mostly in the spring, sometimes fall. but the point is that today i got a steriod shot to help with my allergies before i head off to camp...and its the best. i hate shots. but i love steriod shots. lifesavers. i feel like a million bucks compared to yesterday. thank God for modern medicine.
5-my cell group. we had a cell group retreat this past weekend and it was one of the best times i've ever had with those girls. i adore every single one of them for so so so many reasons. they are amazing and blow me away and i love knowing their hearts even more than before. i am so blessed. holy smokes.
6-i found out what activity classes i'm teaching this summer at new life. H2WHOA! and Olympiad. holy moly. i'm stoked. H2WHOA is the most hilarious activity class ever cause its for junior campers and its awesome, and olympiad is gonna be da best. i can't wait.
-1 i miss my friends a lot. i had a bunch a friendships really strengthen and grow towards the end of the semester and now all of my friends are gone for the summer. i miss them. YAY FOR NEW FRIENDS AT CAMP!
7- did i mention senior retreat before? cause i'm sure i did but its worth another honorable mention. take my word for it. best.
-abbie lay.
write me letters at camp!
Abbie Lay
160 New Life Ranch Drive
Colcord, OK
74338
have a blessed summer.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
tool bag.
t fizzy.
1-lunch with jessica tolan and kelly johnson. my lovely friends and future roommates. it was our last lunch before we all go our ways for the summer, won't see either of them till august...sad.
2-chipotle. i love burritos. also garland autry was there. whats better?
3- maddox cash crossland was particularly charming today. love that little boy.
4-oliver and company. an old favorite disney movie that we never owned when i was little. i recently found it on VHS at Goodwill. best ever. watching it now.
5-chris albritton, ben hartness, and james mix. some of my favorite boys to hang out with. they crack me up. loved unexpectedly spending time with them today
5.5- today i listened to First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes on the way to fay, and then i was on stumbleupon tonight and the music video came up. booyah.(weird video though, not a fan)
"Hey man, if this is torture, chain me to da wall"
-tito from oliver and company.
-Abbie
1-lunch with jessica tolan and kelly johnson. my lovely friends and future roommates. it was our last lunch before we all go our ways for the summer, won't see either of them till august...sad.
2-chipotle. i love burritos. also garland autry was there. whats better?
3- maddox cash crossland was particularly charming today. love that little boy.
4-oliver and company. an old favorite disney movie that we never owned when i was little. i recently found it on VHS at Goodwill. best ever. watching it now.
5-chris albritton, ben hartness, and james mix. some of my favorite boys to hang out with. they crack me up. loved unexpectedly spending time with them today
5.5- today i listened to First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes on the way to fay, and then i was on stumbleupon tonight and the music video came up. booyah.(weird video though, not a fan)
"Hey man, if this is torture, chain me to da wall"
-tito from oliver and company.
-Abbie
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