Thankfulness

Contentment is a tricky, tricky thing. Just when I think that I'm doing well and have exactly what i need satan throws a curveball at me and i foolishly let it get the best of me. Then i spend days and sometimes weeks trying and trying to get back to that place of contentment, only to be thrown off course again. Honestly it drives me absolutely crazy. If only i knew how to completely rid myself of worldly desires and be singleminded in my desire for Christ.

So whats got me discontent right now? well, i'm bout to drop an honesty bomb on y'all and get vulnerable. I sometimes feel like its silly to be vulnerable on the internet, but i figure i would tell the few people who read this about it anyway, so i might as well go there and save myself some time.

here we go:

i am lonely.

yes. thats right. i am lonely.

not in the sense of not having friends, because i do, but in the sense of feeling the desire for significance and importance to a group of people. this is not at all written to make anyone feel sorry for because i think its dangerous to be some ones primary, i'm just stating the fact that i'm not some ones primary and although its a blessing it is still difficult and lonely. I have been down every avenue in my life. i've been the "popular" kid, or at least semi popular, i've been the outcast, i've been the cool kid, i've been the awkward kid, i've been the kid who spends every weekend with their parents , and i've been the kid who's so busy with friends they're never home, but what i've found is that my favorite person to be is the one who spends time with The Lord.

I remember once about a year ago i was praying and i told God that if He needed me to be lonely i would take it with a grateful and loving heart, but that i really, really didn't want to be lonely. well, i see now that my view of loneliness was completely skewed at that point. Loneliness isn't a punishment from God, to be honest it is a blessing. Now i may be throwing you off with this, but stick with me. I truly believe that loneliness from peers is a sign of closeness to God. When you are steadfastly following the Lord less and less people are going to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it. My loneliness is a direct result of my relationship with God, so heres the crazy part, I think i should DELIGHT in my loneliness. weird i know. i semi can't even handle that thought, but seriously isn't my loneliness kind of a gift? i don't know. but i think that when lonely times come we need to be thankful and embrace them rather then immediately go running towards the nearest group of people.

So what if i am never a single persons primary? i have a primary, His name is Jesus Christ, a friend closer than a brother, my Saviour, the Bridegroom, the Son of God. wowzer. i love Jesus.

i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. sometimes i just get lost in my love for Him and all i wanna do is keep writing and writing and writing about how wonderful He is and how He saved me.

thats all i got right now.

praise Jesus.

"we're resting in the shadow of the cross."

-Abbie