When i was 8 years old my thumb got smashed in a door. really smashed. over the next weeks my thumbnail proceeded to go through all shades of bruising and eventually, to my dismay, it fell off.
now this whole, smashing my finger in the door thing was not at all the worst pain that i have felt, in comparison to the various breaks and sprains and surgeries i've had over the years, the smash was minor, but what it did was major.
you better believe that after that one smashed thumb, my awareness of hand placement on doors and door frames was raised exponentially. Since then i can only think of two other times that i have smashed my finger(s) in a door...and its been 13 years.
well one of those times was just the other day. i was leaving my house to run some errands and obviously rather than grabbing the door knob to shut the door i decided that it would be better to just grab the door itself. this resulted in my not being able to get my hand out of the way fast enough and smashing my pointer finger, hard, between the door and frame. the moral is that i am an idiot. do not do as i do. there is a good reason that some genius invented door knobs, but i didn't get the memo.
the point to all of this is that my smashed finger got me thinking. when i was just a kid, something as small as the pain of a smashed finger drastically changed my actions. i stopped placing my hands in a position where they could potentially be injured. to dramatize it, that smashed finger changed my life, but it wasn't even a big deal.
then i thought about Jesus.
once we are justified and in the midst of progressive sanctification Jesus doesn't want every refinement of our sin to cause us to hit rock bottom. Sure, we are going to sin, cause we're foolish and selfish and prideful, but Jesus is trying to pull us further up and further in. He is a gentle Savior who loves us and doesn't want us to suffer from severed limbs as we travel the straight and narrow, but He has to mold us somehow.
In my social psychology class my professor always talks about how the best form of discipline is moderate, enough to make an impact but not enough to cause rebellion or terror.
This is just like a smashed finger. As we strive to live for Jesus in a world of muck, we are sometimes going to chose our nature rather than our Savior. And Jesus in His great graces allows us to smash our fingers in our sin and walk away virtually unscathed, but with a new perspective of ourselves and His Deliverance. Jesus is made great through smashed fingers because we get to see His grace in the process of making us look less like us and more like Him. from a human perspective, we sin we should be instantly condemned, or at least badly maimed. But instead Jesus covers the sin and allows us to feel the sting without the lasting pain.
The way that Jesus does this the most in my life is by allowing me to be embarrassed by my sin, especially by my pride. He knows me well enough to know that i don't respond well to criticism, but i do respond well to humiliation. nothing makes me want to crawl under a rock and die like being humiliated. Therefore Jesus lets me think i'm all that for just a little bit and then BAM the door slams right on the fingers of my pride. and it stings. a lot. the sting is bad enough to drive me back to Him, and significant enough to cause me to never want to act in that particular area of my pride ever again. Yet it is never bad enough to make me grovel in pity and become more selfish, or become angry from the pain. The smashed finger just sends me running back to Jesus, with a moderately painful lesson learned.
Jesus is really good like that. He has been so kind to allow me to learn from little mistakes and shortcomings, rather than hitting rock bottom. But the job is ours, we must be willing to learn from the little things in order to avoid the big things. We are called to flee from temptation, not constantly flirt with the boundaries, because the farther you push the boundary of sin, will only result in being further away from the Healer, leading to a painful journey back. Jesus is waiting with open arms to comfort us either way, but how much better is to spend a day healing a smashed finger, than spend weeks or months or years healing a broken back? And how much more beautiful to have just the memory of pain rather than the scars to remind us of everyday of our sin? Certainly we all have scars from our lives before Christ, but once we have received our Savior, why continue inflicting such pain? Jesus is ready to teach and heal and renew. He is ready to refine, but we must be willing to suffer the temporary sting for the eternal joy of being more like Him.
next time Jesus let's a particular door close on your fingers, let it be the last time. Feel the sting. Learn the lesson. Look to Him. He is good.
abbie.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
bear cub
dear bear cub,
someday you will grow up.
someday you will realize the reality of the beauty and pain of this wood.
someday you will be beaten and broken.
someday your mother will no longer wipe your tears and mend your wounds.
someday your father will no longer be your provider.
those tasks will become your own. those responsibilities will rest on your shoulders.
but my dear, that day is far away.
today you are a cub, you are a child.
today you are brimming with life and innocence and freedom.
today you are pure.
my cub, live fully.
run. play. explore. imagine. dream.
dream today, before the world becomes limited.
dream today, while your heart still believes in magic.
dream today, while there is still light before your eyes.
today allow the world to be beautiful and limitless and good.
tomorrow the world may grow dark and try to swallow you.
but never forget the world you saw today, the world of light and love and magic.
someday the wolves will taunt you. they will
tell you that that world, your world does not exist. that it is nothing but a childish dream.
pay no mind to their pique.
when you reach the dusk, don't forget the things your young eyes saw at dawn.
the rivers and streams which once provided for you, will grow choppy and the waters will rise.
but my dear, you know how to swim, even if the best you can do is keep your head above the water, you must never give in.
today your eyes are fresh.
they have yet to see the shadows that lie beyond the cave.
always remember that this world was made for you.
made for you to love and delight in.
even when the darkness creeps in, the light promises to return.
the night will end.
the day will break.
the darkness will not last forever.
take heart my cub.
today is closing.
your someday is drawing near.
your eyes will see the dark, but they must never loose their glimmer.
for the protector of the wood will return.
He will bring with Him the light of the day.
He will take you from the turbulent waters.
He will carry you on His shoulders, up to the mountain of mercy.
He will keep you and protect you.
you will be His cub. forever.
keep your eyes on the mountain my cub.
your help is on His way.
someday you will grow up.
someday you will realize the reality of the beauty and pain of this wood.
someday you will be beaten and broken.
someday your mother will no longer wipe your tears and mend your wounds.
someday your father will no longer be your provider.
those tasks will become your own. those responsibilities will rest on your shoulders.
but my dear, that day is far away.
today you are a cub, you are a child.
today you are brimming with life and innocence and freedom.
today you are pure.
my cub, live fully.
run. play. explore. imagine. dream.
dream today, before the world becomes limited.
dream today, while your heart still believes in magic.
dream today, while there is still light before your eyes.
today allow the world to be beautiful and limitless and good.
tomorrow the world may grow dark and try to swallow you.
but never forget the world you saw today, the world of light and love and magic.
someday the wolves will taunt you. they will
tell you that that world, your world does not exist. that it is nothing but a childish dream.
pay no mind to their pique.
when you reach the dusk, don't forget the things your young eyes saw at dawn.
the rivers and streams which once provided for you, will grow choppy and the waters will rise.
but my dear, you know how to swim, even if the best you can do is keep your head above the water, you must never give in.
today your eyes are fresh.
they have yet to see the shadows that lie beyond the cave.
always remember that this world was made for you.
made for you to love and delight in.
even when the darkness creeps in, the light promises to return.
the night will end.
the day will break.
the darkness will not last forever.
take heart my cub.
today is closing.
your someday is drawing near.
your eyes will see the dark, but they must never loose their glimmer.
for the protector of the wood will return.
He will bring with Him the light of the day.
He will take you from the turbulent waters.
He will carry you on His shoulders, up to the mountain of mercy.
He will keep you and protect you.
you will be His cub. forever.
keep your eyes on the mountain my cub.
your help is on His way.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
tears of joy and tears of pain
i think that thanksgiving is an interesting holiday.
on the one hand it is a beautiful idea, one day out of the year that people are supposed to think about all of the blessings in their lives...well at least until 9pm, when we start throwing elbows in Target to get our hands on a season of Glee for $13. But for at least 12 hours, we are thankful.
on the other hand, thanksgiving makes me kind of sad. especially this thanksgiving.
you see, 6 months ago one of my best friends, and honestly the funniest girl i know, lost her mother to cancer. the truth is that it's hard to say much about that time, Roxanne was and is an incredible woman, she loved the Lord with a passion that was contagious. she cared for the heart of every single person that she met, not because she was such a people person, but because she loved Jesus and that love flowed out of her so beautifully and freely. Everyone who met Roxy loved her, especially me. she is an inspiration. she was a perfect model of what it looks like to live your life with little regard to yourself, all for the glory of Jesus. not only did she leave a legacy through her impact on my life, and the lives of those who love her, but she left a legacy through her children, Travis, Bobby, and Tiffany. These three are incredible and watching them trust the Lord through such a painful and confusing time has done nothing but strengthen my faith and deepen my trust. But man is she ever missed. The struggle deepens when you stop and think about how Tiffany and the rest of the Clement/Pennington family is not the only family going through this kind of loss this thanksgiving...or any thanksgiving for that matter.
The thing about thanksgiving is that we are supposed to be thankful for what we have, but what about the times when thanksgiving comes and we don't feel very thankful?
The truth is that there are many truths.
First off, the truth is that we are all hurting. we have all loved and lost and cried and begged and forgotten and remembered and wished that everything was the way it used to be. sometimes 365 days is just enough time to change everything. and sometimes i think that pain might be too much for us to get past. we are broken. we are disappointed. we are hurting. we are tired. we are confused. we are everything but truly thankful.
Secondly, the truth is we all have cause to be thankful. you're thinking "yea. i know, we're all blessed to have homes and food and black friday." but i don't think we really understand gratefulness.
we don't get it. i don't get it.
this brings me to my final truth.
we are all called to "consider it pure joy my brothers when we face trials of various kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance" and why are we called to persevere? because when we let "perseverance finish its work that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing"(John 1:2-4)
you see, the thing is that thanksgiving isn't about sitting around a table with your napkin in your lap, telling the extended family that you're thankful for the straight A's you got, or your new puppy. None of that matters in the long run anyway. the truth is that i think thanksgiving is all about tears of joy and tears of pain. it's about looking at the last 365 days and realizing that a lot of them were great and a lot of them were awful, but most of them were just days. its about counting up the good days and the not so good days and then thanking God that He let you see the sunrise and set on each of them. I don't think that God wants half hearted thankfulness that we offer because a story book tells us that a bunch of pilgrims and indians did it hundreds of years ago...and for the record, the pilgrims and indians had crappy lives. we have lost sight of how we should be thankful to be given the great privilege and responsibility of living this one wild and beautiful life.
so cry on thanksgiving. cry because you've had 365 days of joy and pain and fear and struggle and laughs and memories and loss and gain and more than anything you've had 365 days of life. and that my friends is reason enough to be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving friends...eat some turkey, watch some football, and then go and stiff arm a soccer mom to get your hands on a 10 dollar memory foam bathmat. go buck wild folks. it only happens once a year.
be grateful.
christmas is in 34 days.
-Abbie.
another reason to be thankful on this thanksgiving day.
on the one hand it is a beautiful idea, one day out of the year that people are supposed to think about all of the blessings in their lives...well at least until 9pm, when we start throwing elbows in Target to get our hands on a season of Glee for $13. But for at least 12 hours, we are thankful.
on the other hand, thanksgiving makes me kind of sad. especially this thanksgiving.
you see, 6 months ago one of my best friends, and honestly the funniest girl i know, lost her mother to cancer. the truth is that it's hard to say much about that time, Roxanne was and is an incredible woman, she loved the Lord with a passion that was contagious. she cared for the heart of every single person that she met, not because she was such a people person, but because she loved Jesus and that love flowed out of her so beautifully and freely. Everyone who met Roxy loved her, especially me. she is an inspiration. she was a perfect model of what it looks like to live your life with little regard to yourself, all for the glory of Jesus. not only did she leave a legacy through her impact on my life, and the lives of those who love her, but she left a legacy through her children, Travis, Bobby, and Tiffany. These three are incredible and watching them trust the Lord through such a painful and confusing time has done nothing but strengthen my faith and deepen my trust. But man is she ever missed. The struggle deepens when you stop and think about how Tiffany and the rest of the Clement/Pennington family is not the only family going through this kind of loss this thanksgiving...or any thanksgiving for that matter.
The thing about thanksgiving is that we are supposed to be thankful for what we have, but what about the times when thanksgiving comes and we don't feel very thankful?
The truth is that there are many truths.
First off, the truth is that we are all hurting. we have all loved and lost and cried and begged and forgotten and remembered and wished that everything was the way it used to be. sometimes 365 days is just enough time to change everything. and sometimes i think that pain might be too much for us to get past. we are broken. we are disappointed. we are hurting. we are tired. we are confused. we are everything but truly thankful.
Secondly, the truth is we all have cause to be thankful. you're thinking "yea. i know, we're all blessed to have homes and food and black friday." but i don't think we really understand gratefulness.
we don't get it. i don't get it.
this brings me to my final truth.
we are all called to "consider it pure joy my brothers when we face trials of various kinds, for the testing of your faith produces perseverance" and why are we called to persevere? because when we let "perseverance finish its work that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing"(John 1:2-4)
you see, the thing is that thanksgiving isn't about sitting around a table with your napkin in your lap, telling the extended family that you're thankful for the straight A's you got, or your new puppy. None of that matters in the long run anyway. the truth is that i think thanksgiving is all about tears of joy and tears of pain. it's about looking at the last 365 days and realizing that a lot of them were great and a lot of them were awful, but most of them were just days. its about counting up the good days and the not so good days and then thanking God that He let you see the sunrise and set on each of them. I don't think that God wants half hearted thankfulness that we offer because a story book tells us that a bunch of pilgrims and indians did it hundreds of years ago...and for the record, the pilgrims and indians had crappy lives. we have lost sight of how we should be thankful to be given the great privilege and responsibility of living this one wild and beautiful life.
so cry on thanksgiving. cry because you've had 365 days of joy and pain and fear and struggle and laughs and memories and loss and gain and more than anything you've had 365 days of life. and that my friends is reason enough to be thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving friends...eat some turkey, watch some football, and then go and stiff arm a soccer mom to get your hands on a 10 dollar memory foam bathmat. go buck wild folks. it only happens once a year.
be grateful.
christmas is in 34 days.
-Abbie.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Bruce Lee
Back in the '60s when Bruce Lee began his film career, filmmakers
were met with an unfortunate issue. Back in the day video cameras could
only capture 60 frames per second, the problem was that Bruce Lee moved
so quickly that the frames could not catch him. His moves literally got
missed because he moved to fast for them to be picked up on film. So
what was the solution? Bruce had to slow down. He was moving to
fast. He could not be appreciated for his skill, because of his
extraordinary speed. Now anymore that would not be a problem, due to
technology, but Bruce Lee didn't live in the 21st century. He lived in a
world that forced him to take his skill and slow it down so that people
could see and appreciate his incredible, super human abilities. Slow Down.
So. There is actually a point to this. Ever since i learned this fun Bruce Lee fact it has stuck with me, the idea of him being unable to be captured by a camera has always been so beautiful and amazing. But over time it has evolved in its meaning to me and i now face a tough lesson that hinges on the words "slow down...you're moving to fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that".
So. There is actually a point to this. Ever since i learned this fun Bruce Lee fact it has stuck with me, the idea of him being unable to be captured by a camera has always been so beautiful and amazing. But over time it has evolved in its meaning to me and i now face a tough lesson that hinges on the words "slow down...you're moving to fast, frames can't catch you when you're moving like that".
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
if at first you don't succeed.
here's the ultimate tell into the psyche of abbie lay: when i was a child my favorite phrase was "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again"
in the eyes of a child this phrase was brilliant and powerful and brimming with potential. it told me that no matter how many times i screwed up, no matter how many times i failed, i could always pick myself up, dust myself off and simply try again. that eventually, i would get it right. as a kid this manifest itself in the fact that i was virtually fearless. i was bold and tenacious because i wasn't afraid of failure, i wasn't afraid to mess up because i had hope in trying again.
some how in the unbridled craziness of life i lost that freedom, the freedom of a child. this strength turned backwards on itself. One of my greatest freedoms became ultimately my driving fear. if i am painfully honest, which mostly i hate doing, my biggest fear in life is failure. the idea of being unable to do something, of attempting to do something and not being able to, falling short, disappointing people, disappointing myself, disappointing God. all of it at times has had enough power of intimidation that it has debilitated me and kept me from experiencing the fullness of God's plan for my life.
Well something terrifying happened this summer. i was placed in a position of leadership in which failure was not only inevitable but i was expected to welcome it. trial and error is not a process that i like to use, i prefer more of a one and done style. This past summer though in my position at New Life Ranch i was a part of team that was given the responsibility of planning, facilitating, and setting the tone for the large group activities at camp, along with other responsibilities. As i prepared for the summer i realized that my greatest struggle was going to be the fact that i was driven by fear, my fear of failing, my fear of disappointing my boss and the other people in my team, my fear of not being able to do the task that had been placed in front of me. The truth is that i wasn't trusting that God had chosen me for a purpose, i guess really i didn't believe that God could use me to do it. i was both excited and terrified to face the summer. Thankfully though i serve a gracious, faithful God who chooses broken, stupid people to use to do His work. He chose me. and that was the truth that i had to trust. Over the course of the summer the Lord began to break through my fortress of fear and show me that not only did it not matter is i failed or succeeded, but that true success didn't lie in my hands anyway, success at summer camp was not dependent upon how well Abbie Lay could be a jr camp sal. How prideful of me to even allow myself to entertain the thought that any part of the eternal value and success of camp has anything to do with me, i am nothing but a vessel.
Anyway as God began to strip me of my fear of failure, which did involve failures and screwing up, He soothed the burns with gifts and blessings that i didn't even know i was capable of manifesting. God proved Himself to be so faithful to me once again and all i had to do was stop looking at me and turn to look at Him.
Now, fast forward 2 months and you'll find me here. 9 weeks into the fall of my senior year of college. Once again allowing this fear of failure to begin to creep back in, completely forgetting the faithfulness of Jesus, i am such a painful picture of Israel. what was i saying? oh yes, so here i am. 21 years old. facing my impending doom...a.k.a graduating from college, and once again i start to fear failure, but this time it's not fear of failing man, but it's more a fear of failing God. a fear of not finishing well. i have this problem of extremism where i want to do everything and i want to invest myself into it fully. this is not possible or healthy or what God is calling me to do. in fact, God is really only calling me to do one thing, and once again by His unfailing love for me He has revealed to me(for the millionth time) what that one thing is.
As a follower of Jesus Christ the one command i am called to is to love the Lord my God. He is not standing at the end of a dark corridor saying "if you can just make it to the end, I'll hold you once you get there", and He is not standing behind me pushing me along, saying "ok, just keep pressing through, suck it up and keep going". no, today the creator of the universe is standing right beside me saying "come unto Me...and I will give you rest"(Matthew 11:28). Not, "come to me tomorrow and i will give you rest", not "come to me in 3 months and i will give you rest", but simply "come unto Me, and I will give you rest". Today. He is calling me to come to Him TODAY. all He wants is for me to come into His open arms. Jesus is so patient. those arms never close. that invitation never expires. He is always standing, waiting patiently for our love. Thats's all the Savior of mankind wants, all He wants is to be loved by us. WHAT? He wants MY love?
The beauty is that He cares about my love for Him. He doesn't care about my works, He knows that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own and that my worldly successes are all eternal failures. Literally the #1 thing He is asking for is our love and devotion. Jesus wants us folks. This is a big deal. The thing is that Jesus is teaching me that the thing that is the most important to Him is that above all else my heart belongs to Him. That daily I am choosing Him over the world, over myself. That every single day I am flying my flag of surrender, waiving my rights to myself, and saying to Him that no matter what other desires exist in my heart, my one consuming passion, my one driving force is HIM. He is it. the beginning, the end, the in-between. He is all. end of discussion.
Sure, all of this sounds simple, but the nature of the beast is selfishness. and no matter how much i may desire perfection, that is not what i've been given. I at my core am a sinner saved by grace. One who still suffers the from the fall of man, but who now has the opportunity to choose Jesus. The chance to say "You, Jesus, are worth more to me than myself, because I was worth more to You than Yourself." Why would I not want to surrender to that every single day? No matter how many times I hear that same truth I pray that it never stops astonishing me with its beauty and enormity.
Today, dear friends, i challenge you to remember "the invincible, unconquerable, unwearying patience of Jesus---'come unto Me'.".(Chambers)
-abbie.
lastly, brothers. beards. banjos. enjoy.
in the eyes of a child this phrase was brilliant and powerful and brimming with potential. it told me that no matter how many times i screwed up, no matter how many times i failed, i could always pick myself up, dust myself off and simply try again. that eventually, i would get it right. as a kid this manifest itself in the fact that i was virtually fearless. i was bold and tenacious because i wasn't afraid of failure, i wasn't afraid to mess up because i had hope in trying again.
some how in the unbridled craziness of life i lost that freedom, the freedom of a child. this strength turned backwards on itself. One of my greatest freedoms became ultimately my driving fear. if i am painfully honest, which mostly i hate doing, my biggest fear in life is failure. the idea of being unable to do something, of attempting to do something and not being able to, falling short, disappointing people, disappointing myself, disappointing God. all of it at times has had enough power of intimidation that it has debilitated me and kept me from experiencing the fullness of God's plan for my life.
Well something terrifying happened this summer. i was placed in a position of leadership in which failure was not only inevitable but i was expected to welcome it. trial and error is not a process that i like to use, i prefer more of a one and done style. This past summer though in my position at New Life Ranch i was a part of team that was given the responsibility of planning, facilitating, and setting the tone for the large group activities at camp, along with other responsibilities. As i prepared for the summer i realized that my greatest struggle was going to be the fact that i was driven by fear, my fear of failing, my fear of disappointing my boss and the other people in my team, my fear of not being able to do the task that had been placed in front of me. The truth is that i wasn't trusting that God had chosen me for a purpose, i guess really i didn't believe that God could use me to do it. i was both excited and terrified to face the summer. Thankfully though i serve a gracious, faithful God who chooses broken, stupid people to use to do His work. He chose me. and that was the truth that i had to trust. Over the course of the summer the Lord began to break through my fortress of fear and show me that not only did it not matter is i failed or succeeded, but that true success didn't lie in my hands anyway, success at summer camp was not dependent upon how well Abbie Lay could be a jr camp sal. How prideful of me to even allow myself to entertain the thought that any part of the eternal value and success of camp has anything to do with me, i am nothing but a vessel.
Anyway as God began to strip me of my fear of failure, which did involve failures and screwing up, He soothed the burns with gifts and blessings that i didn't even know i was capable of manifesting. God proved Himself to be so faithful to me once again and all i had to do was stop looking at me and turn to look at Him.
Now, fast forward 2 months and you'll find me here. 9 weeks into the fall of my senior year of college. Once again allowing this fear of failure to begin to creep back in, completely forgetting the faithfulness of Jesus, i am such a painful picture of Israel. what was i saying? oh yes, so here i am. 21 years old. facing my impending doom...a.k.a graduating from college, and once again i start to fear failure, but this time it's not fear of failing man, but it's more a fear of failing God. a fear of not finishing well. i have this problem of extremism where i want to do everything and i want to invest myself into it fully. this is not possible or healthy or what God is calling me to do. in fact, God is really only calling me to do one thing, and once again by His unfailing love for me He has revealed to me(for the millionth time) what that one thing is.
As a follower of Jesus Christ the one command i am called to is to love the Lord my God. He is not standing at the end of a dark corridor saying "if you can just make it to the end, I'll hold you once you get there", and He is not standing behind me pushing me along, saying "ok, just keep pressing through, suck it up and keep going". no, today the creator of the universe is standing right beside me saying "come unto Me...and I will give you rest"(Matthew 11:28). Not, "come to me tomorrow and i will give you rest", not "come to me in 3 months and i will give you rest", but simply "come unto Me, and I will give you rest". Today. He is calling me to come to Him TODAY. all He wants is for me to come into His open arms. Jesus is so patient. those arms never close. that invitation never expires. He is always standing, waiting patiently for our love. Thats's all the Savior of mankind wants, all He wants is to be loved by us. WHAT? He wants MY love?
The beauty is that He cares about my love for Him. He doesn't care about my works, He knows that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own and that my worldly successes are all eternal failures. Literally the #1 thing He is asking for is our love and devotion. Jesus wants us folks. This is a big deal. The thing is that Jesus is teaching me that the thing that is the most important to Him is that above all else my heart belongs to Him. That daily I am choosing Him over the world, over myself. That every single day I am flying my flag of surrender, waiving my rights to myself, and saying to Him that no matter what other desires exist in my heart, my one consuming passion, my one driving force is HIM. He is it. the beginning, the end, the in-between. He is all. end of discussion.
Sure, all of this sounds simple, but the nature of the beast is selfishness. and no matter how much i may desire perfection, that is not what i've been given. I at my core am a sinner saved by grace. One who still suffers the from the fall of man, but who now has the opportunity to choose Jesus. The chance to say "You, Jesus, are worth more to me than myself, because I was worth more to You than Yourself." Why would I not want to surrender to that every single day? No matter how many times I hear that same truth I pray that it never stops astonishing me with its beauty and enormity.
Today, dear friends, i challenge you to remember "the invincible, unconquerable, unwearying patience of Jesus---'come unto Me'.".(Chambers)
-abbie.
lastly, brothers. beards. banjos. enjoy.
Monday, June 11, 2012
rocketman
guys, news flash, God is so cool.
so i've been at camp for roughly one month, i think i'm just 4 days shy of a full 4 weeks at NLR, which is great but the truth is i haven't had much time to process what i've learned and seen and experienced. Now i certainly am trying to keep up with the learning and processing in the moment, but realistically i get 5 hours of sleep a night and go non stop from the moment i rise till i go to sleep...so hard as i may try, my efforts may well be in vain. But that's what makes God so cool, He is faithful and awesome because although i may have no idea what i'm learning through my job at camp that doesn't mean that i'm not learning and that my mind isn't constantly swarming with thoughts and ideas and revelations about Him.
This is all came about last Wednesday night, i was with my co SAL Jessica and the nurse's assistant Kaitlyn, it was like 11:30 p.m. and we were on a late night walmart run to buy socks for a camper who had none and a new brush for a little girl who was being treated for lice(Lord save us all) and as we were driving away from the ranch Kaitlyn commented on how big the moon was, i kid you not the moment we looked at the moon we probably almost wrecked because we were so taken by its enormity and its beauty. The moon was huge and full and a fiery orange, i have never seen a moon so beautiful, so obviously we freaked out and started trying to figure out why it was that way, only to find that the lunar cycle was supposed to be a waning cresent, which i guarantee you, it was not. As we were talking about this miracle moon i made the comment that it was so extraordinary because the moon on its own is dull and ugly, it's nothing but a big rock in space, the only thing that makes it special is the light that it reflects from the sun. The glory of the moon is only possible because of the glory of another source.
So theres this Phil Wickham song that says "if you are the sun then i want to be the moon" which tied in so beautifully with our lunar joy, but for the past 5 days those words have been seared into my brain. God is so cool because we on our own are dull and ugly, we have nothing to offer, no beauty, no wits, no wisdom, nothing new or original or creative or meaningful. We are the moon, we are nothing but masses, taking up space, but we have purpose, we have an original source that shines it's brilliant light upon us and allows us to be the light in the darkness.
Heres the other cool thing about that, ever since that day i have been seeing so many beautiful pictures of people in my life and the lives of my friends being the moon to the sun, that is Jesus Christ. you see, the Lord has but some truly incredible people in my life that very literally are the hands and feet of Christ to either myself or my friends. I have these friends who are in a relationship and she was describing to me how the boy had been so consistent in his pursuit of her since the very beginning, even when she waivered and pushed him away and needed breaks, he would allow it, but he never stopped caring for her and never stopped fighting for her...now i know that it's cheesy on the surface level, but the truth is Jesus is using that boy as a picture of Himself in my friends life. in reality that relationship isn't about two flawed people trying to work something out, it's about the Lord receiving glory, and the truth is that's what it's all about, this life on the surface may look cliche and standard, but realistically every word, every action, every moment of every day is about the Father receiving the glory that is due Him. He allows us to not only be image bearers, but glory bearers.
He allows us to be the moon.
Thank God that i am dull and ugly and invaluable.
let me soak up the light, that i may be a light, reflecting Him in the dark.
-abbie-
*i just want to spend one day doing nothing but watching Downton Abbey and Arrested Development.
so i've been at camp for roughly one month, i think i'm just 4 days shy of a full 4 weeks at NLR, which is great but the truth is i haven't had much time to process what i've learned and seen and experienced. Now i certainly am trying to keep up with the learning and processing in the moment, but realistically i get 5 hours of sleep a night and go non stop from the moment i rise till i go to sleep...so hard as i may try, my efforts may well be in vain. But that's what makes God so cool, He is faithful and awesome because although i may have no idea what i'm learning through my job at camp that doesn't mean that i'm not learning and that my mind isn't constantly swarming with thoughts and ideas and revelations about Him.
This is all came about last Wednesday night, i was with my co SAL Jessica and the nurse's assistant Kaitlyn, it was like 11:30 p.m. and we were on a late night walmart run to buy socks for a camper who had none and a new brush for a little girl who was being treated for lice(Lord save us all) and as we were driving away from the ranch Kaitlyn commented on how big the moon was, i kid you not the moment we looked at the moon we probably almost wrecked because we were so taken by its enormity and its beauty. The moon was huge and full and a fiery orange, i have never seen a moon so beautiful, so obviously we freaked out and started trying to figure out why it was that way, only to find that the lunar cycle was supposed to be a waning cresent, which i guarantee you, it was not. As we were talking about this miracle moon i made the comment that it was so extraordinary because the moon on its own is dull and ugly, it's nothing but a big rock in space, the only thing that makes it special is the light that it reflects from the sun. The glory of the moon is only possible because of the glory of another source.
So theres this Phil Wickham song that says "if you are the sun then i want to be the moon" which tied in so beautifully with our lunar joy, but for the past 5 days those words have been seared into my brain. God is so cool because we on our own are dull and ugly, we have nothing to offer, no beauty, no wits, no wisdom, nothing new or original or creative or meaningful. We are the moon, we are nothing but masses, taking up space, but we have purpose, we have an original source that shines it's brilliant light upon us and allows us to be the light in the darkness.
Heres the other cool thing about that, ever since that day i have been seeing so many beautiful pictures of people in my life and the lives of my friends being the moon to the sun, that is Jesus Christ. you see, the Lord has but some truly incredible people in my life that very literally are the hands and feet of Christ to either myself or my friends. I have these friends who are in a relationship and she was describing to me how the boy had been so consistent in his pursuit of her since the very beginning, even when she waivered and pushed him away and needed breaks, he would allow it, but he never stopped caring for her and never stopped fighting for her...now i know that it's cheesy on the surface level, but the truth is Jesus is using that boy as a picture of Himself in my friends life. in reality that relationship isn't about two flawed people trying to work something out, it's about the Lord receiving glory, and the truth is that's what it's all about, this life on the surface may look cliche and standard, but realistically every word, every action, every moment of every day is about the Father receiving the glory that is due Him. He allows us to not only be image bearers, but glory bearers.
He allows us to be the moon.
Thank God that i am dull and ugly and invaluable.
let me soak up the light, that i may be a light, reflecting Him in the dark.
-abbie-
*i just want to spend one day doing nothing but watching Downton Abbey and Arrested Development.
Monday, April 16, 2012
a spate of joy.
I have had the feeling lately that pessimism has been allowed to reign and rule in me and though that is 100% who i am in this sinful flesh, it is a poor, poor representation of the life that Christ daily calls me to live. The truth is that i despise pessimism, nothing is worse than looking at a negative situation with a negative disposition. i mean really, why do we avoid hope when it lies directly before us every moment, waiting for us to simply cut the ties and jump aboard. there is certainly risk, but only the risk of finding that everything truly is going to be "ok" and we were wrong about it all along. how prideful we must be.
That being said, i realize that i need to take more time to intentionally share the joys and beauties that God allows us, to remind us of His delight in bringing a smile to our faces; He loves us so much and wants this life to be a glorious adventure, not just a brutal battle. The fight is so much easier to bear with the truth that the calm follows the storm. God has once again proven Himself utterly faithful and, for lack of a more all encompassing word, loving.
i am so undeserving of the love that He bestows upon me, but i would be a fool to not recognize that every single smile, every laugh, is an extraordinary gift coming straight from the Father to His fickle child. I simply cannot comprehend that, the extravagant love of my King. He has done great things.
The past few days have been the fullness of the title of this post, a spate of joy.
A "spate" is a sudden, almost overwhelming, outpouring. In this case it was a sudden outpouring of love, straight from Jesus, through some of my dearest friends and some friends who are now much more dear.
i suppose that the most time effective way to do this would be to compile a concise list of the top 5 events of the past few days that showed me the Lord's gracious, loving kindness and His faithfulness to fill me up right as the cup is about to run dry.
1. It began with a simple letter from a sweet New Life friend named Lindsay. She had written a letter of both encouragement and of prayer for me and my job at NLR this coming summer. i've given satan a lot of leeway this semester and exposed my weaknesses to let him in and completely tear down my trust in the sovereignty of God in placing me at the Ranch for a purpose this coming summer. For the past few months i have been in constant battle to move out of the realm of placing faith in feeling, to placing faith in truth, and the truth is that God has a plan and a purpose, and the Lord i think gave me that sweet note from Lindsay to remind me that He really does have something at work that i simply cannot yet see, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Lindsay's letter beautifully set the stage for an altogether memorable weekend.
2. music & roadtrips. nothing soothes my soul like the open road and my ipod. thrown into this mix is the concert that i went to on Friday, The Avett Brothers...second time in a month. totally worth it. They are incredible.
3. conversation. it's been awhile since i've had a conversation that made me want to learn. the truth is i really love learning and i really love reading and i got to have a conversation with some camp friends that made me want to go home and read every single one of the books that is on my list, and then read everything else. my desire to know Jesus grows infinitely with a particular group of friends that i have and i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that stimulate my mind and remind of why i love learning.
4. Family. my sister just finished all the steps to becoming an LPC(licensed professional counselor) and i am so so proud of her! For the first time in quite some time we went out for a family lunch on Sunday, along with my brother in law's parents, and for the millionth time i was reminded of how incredibly blessed i am to have been born into my family. i cannot imagine me without them, each member has been such an integral part of who i am. it is such a lovely thing to see my family grow and develop and i could just cry when i think about how beautiful it is that each person in my family is truly looking like Jesus more and more everyday. astounding. Also my dad was nominated to be an elder at Fellowship, which brings so much joy to my heart. The Lord has so blessed my father's faithfulness and integrity. He is an amazing man and i am so thankful that i am his daughter. i pray that someday my children have a father that mirrors the Fatherly qualities of God as much as my own father does.
5. humility. God has been humbling my heart a whole lot this past year and something that He has consistently done is give me opportunity and responsibility that i know i am completely unworthy of. this past sunday sweet Courtney Matthews and i were once again given the honor to talk to a group of high school seniors about what it looks like to love Jesus in college. The funny thing is that all i could think about the whole time was, it is only by the overwhelming grace of God that i have grown more and more in love with Jesus through the past 3 years of college. What's funny is that i know there is nothing right that i have done in college, all i have done is try my hardest to keep my eyes on the cross and it humbles me immensely to see how God has used that. its beautiful to look at a group of young girls and see hearts that are desiring to honor Christ with their college years. It is an altogether humbling to know that i have done absolutely nothing to get where i am today. Jesus is so faithful and wonderful. Gosh He is great.
so yes, this was quite a spate of joy. and i wanted to share because i never want to overlook all of the joy that the Lord fills every single day with.
if we simply take the time to see the ordinary as extraordinary we significantly alter our outlook. there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to open our eyes to the beauty.
-abbie.
That being said, i realize that i need to take more time to intentionally share the joys and beauties that God allows us, to remind us of His delight in bringing a smile to our faces; He loves us so much and wants this life to be a glorious adventure, not just a brutal battle. The fight is so much easier to bear with the truth that the calm follows the storm. God has once again proven Himself utterly faithful and, for lack of a more all encompassing word, loving.
i am so undeserving of the love that He bestows upon me, but i would be a fool to not recognize that every single smile, every laugh, is an extraordinary gift coming straight from the Father to His fickle child. I simply cannot comprehend that, the extravagant love of my King. He has done great things.
The past few days have been the fullness of the title of this post, a spate of joy.
A "spate" is a sudden, almost overwhelming, outpouring. In this case it was a sudden outpouring of love, straight from Jesus, through some of my dearest friends and some friends who are now much more dear.
i suppose that the most time effective way to do this would be to compile a concise list of the top 5 events of the past few days that showed me the Lord's gracious, loving kindness and His faithfulness to fill me up right as the cup is about to run dry.
1. It began with a simple letter from a sweet New Life friend named Lindsay. She had written a letter of both encouragement and of prayer for me and my job at NLR this coming summer. i've given satan a lot of leeway this semester and exposed my weaknesses to let him in and completely tear down my trust in the sovereignty of God in placing me at the Ranch for a purpose this coming summer. For the past few months i have been in constant battle to move out of the realm of placing faith in feeling, to placing faith in truth, and the truth is that God has a plan and a purpose, and the Lord i think gave me that sweet note from Lindsay to remind me that He really does have something at work that i simply cannot yet see, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. Lindsay's letter beautifully set the stage for an altogether memorable weekend.
2. music & roadtrips. nothing soothes my soul like the open road and my ipod. thrown into this mix is the concert that i went to on Friday, The Avett Brothers...second time in a month. totally worth it. They are incredible.
3. conversation. it's been awhile since i've had a conversation that made me want to learn. the truth is i really love learning and i really love reading and i got to have a conversation with some camp friends that made me want to go home and read every single one of the books that is on my list, and then read everything else. my desire to know Jesus grows infinitely with a particular group of friends that i have and i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that stimulate my mind and remind of why i love learning.
4. Family. my sister just finished all the steps to becoming an LPC(licensed professional counselor) and i am so so proud of her! For the first time in quite some time we went out for a family lunch on Sunday, along with my brother in law's parents, and for the millionth time i was reminded of how incredibly blessed i am to have been born into my family. i cannot imagine me without them, each member has been such an integral part of who i am. it is such a lovely thing to see my family grow and develop and i could just cry when i think about how beautiful it is that each person in my family is truly looking like Jesus more and more everyday. astounding. Also my dad was nominated to be an elder at Fellowship, which brings so much joy to my heart. The Lord has so blessed my father's faithfulness and integrity. He is an amazing man and i am so thankful that i am his daughter. i pray that someday my children have a father that mirrors the Fatherly qualities of God as much as my own father does.
5. humility. God has been humbling my heart a whole lot this past year and something that He has consistently done is give me opportunity and responsibility that i know i am completely unworthy of. this past sunday sweet Courtney Matthews and i were once again given the honor to talk to a group of high school seniors about what it looks like to love Jesus in college. The funny thing is that all i could think about the whole time was, it is only by the overwhelming grace of God that i have grown more and more in love with Jesus through the past 3 years of college. What's funny is that i know there is nothing right that i have done in college, all i have done is try my hardest to keep my eyes on the cross and it humbles me immensely to see how God has used that. its beautiful to look at a group of young girls and see hearts that are desiring to honor Christ with their college years. It is an altogether humbling to know that i have done absolutely nothing to get where i am today. Jesus is so faithful and wonderful. Gosh He is great.
so yes, this was quite a spate of joy. and i wanted to share because i never want to overlook all of the joy that the Lord fills every single day with.
if we simply take the time to see the ordinary as extraordinary we significantly alter our outlook. there is so much to be thankful for if we just take the time to open our eyes to the beauty.
-abbie.
Monday, April 9, 2012
White Flags
I was listening to this song the other day called Lego House by Ed Sheeran and it really got me thinking about Jesus and me and my heart. theres a line in the song that says:
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it.
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.
and i've never felt freer.
here are the facts:
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)
guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.
-abbie.
"I'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
that really kind of sunk into my head and made me think real hard about exactly what it is i'm doing. you see heres the deal, i recently got it nailed down that i am without a doubt, hopefully, graduating from college in roughly 13 months. i only have 24 credit hours of college left...weirdest realization. that started making things real, really quickly. so therefore i have been thinking a lot about post college lately, the question that i've been asked about 1,000,000 times by various adults and peers alike is "so what are you gonna do after you graduate?" and what do you think my answer is? if you guessed "i have no idea" then you are correct.
thats the thing, i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm going to do when i graduate. not because i'm lazy, not because i don't have dreams and aspirations. because trust me i do, but heres the thing, i think the Lord has kind of deprived me of plans. He has basically done this weird thing where i can't try and plan a single aspect of my life, because i have no idea what i want. right now all i can see is the finish line of college, not the road that follows after it.
Which brings me to the title of this post. white flags...aka surrender. for the latter half of my 20 years of life i have consciously tried to plan out every aspect of my future. my mind has worked so hard to plan out exactly where i would be and what i would be doing with my life at every milestone. it is safe to say that a total of 0% of those plans have translated into real life, yet for years i have continued to lie awake at night with my mind racing down every alley way, making sure that each step could be traced. i kid you not, i know it sounds crazy, but my mind gets going and creates tales and dialogues and scenarios that i think i know will never really happen, yet i still dream them into some kind of twisted expectation. God in His beautiful graces never lets me get my way. Thank You Lord. seriously. for about 7 months i have felt the Lord try to break me of those contentment draining habits of the mind. He has literally stripped the desire out of everything that i used to think i wanted. except for wanting Him of course, i will never stop wanting Him. and every single time he strips me of one desire i try to replace it and plan out another desire, i'm pretty sure that my imagination is a bit of a stronghold in my life and He's trying to get it under control. some how i think my flesh secretly never wants to be content and obviously never wants to let go of my ability to plan, even if they never come true my mind tells itself that at least i still have the ability to "dream" when really what dreaming is, is simply wanting things that potentially were never meant for me and even if they are, they are for me in HIS timing, not mine.
due to all of these aforementioned details i have decided something. i'm done. i give up. my flag is waving. i'm throwing in the towel. i forfeit. i quit. i'm done trying to micro-manage my life.
and i've never felt freer.
here are the facts:
1. "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord"(Jeremiah 29:11)
2. "He hems me in before and behind" (Psalm 139:5)
3. "He will establish your plans"(Proverbs 16:3)
guys, God's got this. who cares what happens, if i'm rich or poor or homeless or living in the suburbs or living in a village in Tanzania or being beaten in a prison or leading cell groups or married or single. WHO CARES? i don't, not anymore. all i care about is "Christ and Him crucified"(1 Corinthians 2:2). I just want to be best friends with Jesus and follow Him, His "word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path"(Psalm 119:105). So the answer is "i have no idea what i'm doing after i graduate, and thats the way i like it." i'm just gonna roll with the punches and see where it takes me.
"i'll surrender my heart and swap it for yours"
take it Jesus, all You are is all i want.
-abbie.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
the art of being ok.
i feel that contentment is one of the trickiest practices to learn.
our culture wires us from childhood to constantly be on the lookout for the next thing. i mean think about it, every single time i got a new barbie doll or polly pocket i was happy for about 24 hours, then boom, i was ready for a new one. it's been the same way with every cell phone i've had, every car, every article of clothing...basically it goes for everything, and that's truly sad.
i think the problem is that we have exceptionally short attention spans. we sincerely delight in a good thing for a very little while and then we get tired of it and are ready to move onto the next thing.
i've been thinking about this in conjunction with Jesus lately.
i think contentment is another huge area that the world should see how Christ in us makes us different. the world tells us to be discontent, tells us to constantly be seeking new, but Jesus says "love Me and only Me". He tells us to not be led astray by the passions of the flesh and i sincerely think that a passion of the flesh is for new, that's why adultery and covetousness are issues...at least that's the way that i see it. but really, Jesus first asks us to be content with Him, and honestly this should be easy because nothing can compare to the perfection of our Savior, but sin creeps in and makes it complicated. we start to replace an infinite God, with finite pleasures. how messed up are we? we loose sight of the most perfect gift that we could ever receive and replace Him with the broken gifts of a broken world, our eyes get distracted by the glitter that covers up the filth. i pray that the light of the cross be brighter than the shimmer of the world.
anyway, on the one hand we are constantly battling idolatry, yet we are simultaneously fighting against another beast that i believe fits into a completely different category. first we have discontentment in possession, the things we feel that we own which leads to the formation of idols, then we have discontentment in position...this is my struggle. i do well in an environment for a little while, but pretty darn quickly i'm over it and start itching for the next opportunity. now don't get me wrong i think that dreaming is vital, but at the same time taking advantage of the opportunity in which you have been placed is also vital, potentially more vital. personally i like change, i like the thrill of stepping into a new place where i don't know anyone and am free to begin anew, i always have. Here's the deal though, that's not always going to happen, sometimes we are going to be planted in one place for an unknown amount of time, for an unknown reason. For instance, right now i am at UofA and in fayetteville for a purpose that i would like to think is very specific and meaningful(and don't get me wrong i truly do love it), but at the same time my mind is currently in some sort of weird limbo. i want to be content and joyful where God has placed me, because i think that shows Him that i trust Him and desire to be where He wants me, but at the same time my heart is longing for adventure. big time. i want to pack up my car and drive my way into a new adventure. maybe the thing is that God is preparing my heart for a change, trying to detach me from NWA, or maybe its satan trying to weasel his way in and make me desire everything that's not here. Cause the truth is there are a lot of things in my path that i really love, a lot of things that tie my heart to the right now, like my family, my cell group, my dear friends, my crosslands, and NLR. Yet i keep catching my heart as it gazes longingly at the road map. i wish that it could focus on today, because heres my fear, that i will get so caught up in dreams that i miss out on the beauty of reality. cause it's happened before. i don't want to miss out on what Jesus is trying to teach me today. i know that He's got a plethora of things to teach me in NWA and i would hate to miss out on a single one...in fact, the art of being ok is probably one of those lessons, He is daily showing me that no matter where i am doesn't matter, as long i'm there with Him. that is the art of being ok folks. ii can always be ok, always be joyful, always be content, because of Jesus Christ. what beautiful truth. He is the one that makes my everyday worth living in. He is so good. the world will see Jesus through our ability to be ok no matter where we are, no matter what we have.
Jesus. today help me to be ok.
this world is not enough for me.
abbie.
our culture wires us from childhood to constantly be on the lookout for the next thing. i mean think about it, every single time i got a new barbie doll or polly pocket i was happy for about 24 hours, then boom, i was ready for a new one. it's been the same way with every cell phone i've had, every car, every article of clothing...basically it goes for everything, and that's truly sad.
i think the problem is that we have exceptionally short attention spans. we sincerely delight in a good thing for a very little while and then we get tired of it and are ready to move onto the next thing.
i've been thinking about this in conjunction with Jesus lately.
i think contentment is another huge area that the world should see how Christ in us makes us different. the world tells us to be discontent, tells us to constantly be seeking new, but Jesus says "love Me and only Me". He tells us to not be led astray by the passions of the flesh and i sincerely think that a passion of the flesh is for new, that's why adultery and covetousness are issues...at least that's the way that i see it. but really, Jesus first asks us to be content with Him, and honestly this should be easy because nothing can compare to the perfection of our Savior, but sin creeps in and makes it complicated. we start to replace an infinite God, with finite pleasures. how messed up are we? we loose sight of the most perfect gift that we could ever receive and replace Him with the broken gifts of a broken world, our eyes get distracted by the glitter that covers up the filth. i pray that the light of the cross be brighter than the shimmer of the world.
anyway, on the one hand we are constantly battling idolatry, yet we are simultaneously fighting against another beast that i believe fits into a completely different category. first we have discontentment in possession, the things we feel that we own which leads to the formation of idols, then we have discontentment in position...this is my struggle. i do well in an environment for a little while, but pretty darn quickly i'm over it and start itching for the next opportunity. now don't get me wrong i think that dreaming is vital, but at the same time taking advantage of the opportunity in which you have been placed is also vital, potentially more vital. personally i like change, i like the thrill of stepping into a new place where i don't know anyone and am free to begin anew, i always have. Here's the deal though, that's not always going to happen, sometimes we are going to be planted in one place for an unknown amount of time, for an unknown reason. For instance, right now i am at UofA and in fayetteville for a purpose that i would like to think is very specific and meaningful(and don't get me wrong i truly do love it), but at the same time my mind is currently in some sort of weird limbo. i want to be content and joyful where God has placed me, because i think that shows Him that i trust Him and desire to be where He wants me, but at the same time my heart is longing for adventure. big time. i want to pack up my car and drive my way into a new adventure. maybe the thing is that God is preparing my heart for a change, trying to detach me from NWA, or maybe its satan trying to weasel his way in and make me desire everything that's not here. Cause the truth is there are a lot of things in my path that i really love, a lot of things that tie my heart to the right now, like my family, my cell group, my dear friends, my crosslands, and NLR. Yet i keep catching my heart as it gazes longingly at the road map. i wish that it could focus on today, because heres my fear, that i will get so caught up in dreams that i miss out on the beauty of reality. cause it's happened before. i don't want to miss out on what Jesus is trying to teach me today. i know that He's got a plethora of things to teach me in NWA and i would hate to miss out on a single one...in fact, the art of being ok is probably one of those lessons, He is daily showing me that no matter where i am doesn't matter, as long i'm there with Him. that is the art of being ok folks. ii can always be ok, always be joyful, always be content, because of Jesus Christ. what beautiful truth. He is the one that makes my everyday worth living in. He is so good. the world will see Jesus through our ability to be ok no matter where we are, no matter what we have.
Jesus. today help me to be ok.
this world is not enough for me.
abbie.
Friday, March 16, 2012
cold hands (warm heart)
that title has nothing to do with this post, it's just a line from a song that i really love by Brendan Benson, the song isn't really a happy one, but it always makes me happy...cause i'm a weirdo.
I thought i'd take a study break and let out some pent up creativity in the form of writing, yet i truly have zero inspiration, so i'll do a T5. those are fun.
T1: today is the last day of school before spring break, and i only have one more class before i'm done, unfortunately i have a test, but hey, that means i'll get out early right? so its a win-lose-win.
T2: I woke up at 6:30 this morning to make breakfast for some friends(we had family breakfast) and though i was horrified to get up at that time, i quickly realized that waking up at 6:30 is awesome. i feel so so good. i decided that i should always wake up that early. awesome.
T3: so heres a great thing. lately i've been really overwhelmed by my spanish class cause lets be honest, learning another language is difficult, especially since the english language is quickly becoming my specialty, i'm extremely english minded, and not wired for another language. Anyway i was sitting in class this morning and all of the sudden God hit me with a revelation that gave me a new love and appreciation for spanish. here it is: how amazing is it that there are more people that speak other languages than me, than there are that speak the same language as i do. and God speaks to all of them in their languages. He created every single language and dialect. what? that's so awesome and incredible. God is so stinking creative. i had never really thought about because i have a minimal appreciation for languages other than my own, but no God has shown me Himself in language, and because of that i kind of have a new love for it. He has been so faithful to help me get back into my love for learning and i am so thankful. If He made it, i should desire to know about it and love it.
T4: lately i have been thinking about my future husband, if the Lord has that in my future, and i've been thinking about how i'll probably never get married because i am the most boring human being on the planet. so folks if you know any banjo playing, bearded men who would be content to go to museums and watch documentaries and Tom Hanks films(specifically Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan films...but really i just like Tom a lot) and go on hikes and sit in coffee shops and read me books and take road trips for as long as we both shall live then send him my way. i'll snatch that boy before he realizes what he's getting himself into. my philosophy is never give them a chance to say no. but not really. maybe.
T5: music. that's another thing, kind of like language, that although i do not understand and am not wired for, i completely love. I love that God created people with brains that make and understand music. i've been listening to a lot of classical music lately and it just completely blows my mind to think about someone sitting down and composing a piece of music for an entire orchestra. i haven't even attempted any form music since i was in choir in the 8th grade, and i have never been able to read music, cause i just really don't understand it...kind of like math, but its always been something that has just amazed me and as i get older my appreciation of music, good music, has grown substantially. i love music. thank you Lord for music.
welp. that was fun.for me at least. glad i'm thinking deep today. blame it on the 5 hours of sleep.
-abbie
I thought i'd take a study break and let out some pent up creativity in the form of writing, yet i truly have zero inspiration, so i'll do a T5. those are fun.
T1: today is the last day of school before spring break, and i only have one more class before i'm done, unfortunately i have a test, but hey, that means i'll get out early right? so its a win-lose-win.
T2: I woke up at 6:30 this morning to make breakfast for some friends(we had family breakfast) and though i was horrified to get up at that time, i quickly realized that waking up at 6:30 is awesome. i feel so so good. i decided that i should always wake up that early. awesome.
T3: so heres a great thing. lately i've been really overwhelmed by my spanish class cause lets be honest, learning another language is difficult, especially since the english language is quickly becoming my specialty, i'm extremely english minded, and not wired for another language. Anyway i was sitting in class this morning and all of the sudden God hit me with a revelation that gave me a new love and appreciation for spanish. here it is: how amazing is it that there are more people that speak other languages than me, than there are that speak the same language as i do. and God speaks to all of them in their languages. He created every single language and dialect. what? that's so awesome and incredible. God is so stinking creative. i had never really thought about because i have a minimal appreciation for languages other than my own, but no God has shown me Himself in language, and because of that i kind of have a new love for it. He has been so faithful to help me get back into my love for learning and i am so thankful. If He made it, i should desire to know about it and love it.
T4: lately i have been thinking about my future husband, if the Lord has that in my future, and i've been thinking about how i'll probably never get married because i am the most boring human being on the planet. so folks if you know any banjo playing, bearded men who would be content to go to museums and watch documentaries and Tom Hanks films(specifically Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan films...but really i just like Tom a lot) and go on hikes and sit in coffee shops and read me books and take road trips for as long as we both shall live then send him my way. i'll snatch that boy before he realizes what he's getting himself into. my philosophy is never give them a chance to say no. but not really. maybe.
T5: music. that's another thing, kind of like language, that although i do not understand and am not wired for, i completely love. I love that God created people with brains that make and understand music. i've been listening to a lot of classical music lately and it just completely blows my mind to think about someone sitting down and composing a piece of music for an entire orchestra. i haven't even attempted any form music since i was in choir in the 8th grade, and i have never been able to read music, cause i just really don't understand it...kind of like math, but its always been something that has just amazed me and as i get older my appreciation of music, good music, has grown substantially. i love music. thank you Lord for music.
welp. that was fun.for me at least. glad i'm thinking deep today. blame it on the 5 hours of sleep.
-abbie
Thursday, March 8, 2012
BIG
So i was listening to U2 the other day, this song called Kite and it says:
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
These words really got me thinking about the life that I lead as a follower of Jesus Christ.
the human tendency is to fear death, then all of the sudden you fall in love with Jesus and out of nowhere death becomes this kind of beautiful destiny. It turns into something that you no longer fear and suddenly, though it sounds odd, crave. Not in a morbid way, simply in the sense that you are so in love with Jesus and so out of love with this world that you naturally desire to be with Him, no fear in death.
This brings up something interesting though that i have basically never, ever thought about. I'm no longer afraid to die, but am i not afraid to live?
because if i'm really honest, i am afraid to live.
something i would truly rather not admit, but quite frankly it's true.
i mean really stop and think about what it means to truly LIVE for Christ. That's some heavy stuff.
it's so much easier to just sit back and tell people that i'm just along for the ride, going with the flow, that i'm simply letting opportunity come.
but what does that really mean? where is the risk in that?
the goal of life is not to arrive safely at death. i know that's cheesy and probably super cliche, but there is so much truth behind those simple words.
my life should not look safe. my life should not be lived in fear. It's just that there is so much joy in Jesus and so much joy in the anticipation of eternity, but this life can often times feel like such a daunting waiting time, such a period of patience and perseverance. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
I mean come on! have i ever even read the Bible? John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, I came that may have life and have it abundantly".
I've never really thought about it this way, but Jesus isn't just talking about having abundant life in eternity, or abundant life free from sin(which obviously it means both of those things), but Jesus came that we could live fully, every single day, not live safely. This life is big and full of so much opportunity. i feel so silly writing these words because as i write them i can't help but think that i must be so far from Christ to not have thought about these things yet. i just think that i'm scared of living because of my fear of failure. fear of being the reason that someone doesn't see Jesus, being the reason that someone stays stagnant or complacent in their or being the reason that someone perceives scripture wrong. sure these fears are valid, but them ruling me is sick. them ruling me is not even me living in Christ. it's me living in sin and letting the devil grab hold of my heart and my weakness and my pride. yikes, that cuts.
another fear is valuing the wrong things, putting my support and time into things that lack eternal value. but the truth is TONS of things can have eternal value, and no matter what we're doing can be and, if we're living in Christ, will be for the glory of the Father.
All i know is one thing. life is beautiful. think of the beauty in creation, across the board, that the Lord has created for us to delight in, to see Him in, to share with others, to serve Him with, and to steward back to Him. Gosh He has given us so much. So much to have fun with and take joy in and love. He's given us so many trails to run and mountains to climb, so many stars to gaze at and waves to splash in. So many tears to shed in laughter and pain, so many precious little hands to hold and many, many hands to let go of. we have battles to fight, some to win and some to lose, and some to lay to rest, because the journey was the important part, not the end result. we have sunrises and sunsets and dawns and midnights. we have 26 letters worth of endless possibilities. don't even get me going on all of the laughter that lies in this one wild and reckless life. lets laugh at the days to come and the one that we're in right now.
i guess this is nothing but a reminder to myself to take joy in this life. it's a gift, it's a delight, it's a once in a lifetime. Heaven will be beautiful and incomparable, but we get this one, limited time offer to bring the eternal to the present. I cannot wait for what's ahead, my heart dwells on eternity frequently, but the good and faithful servant that i want to be is one who does well with all that has been given. i don't want to miss out on this journey. i need to open my eyes to the opportunity that lies in every crevice of this life, instead of just looking for the chances that sparkle.
this is a lot of my thoughts the past two days.
dream big folks, for we have a BIG GOD.
-abbie.
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
These words really got me thinking about the life that I lead as a follower of Jesus Christ.
the human tendency is to fear death, then all of the sudden you fall in love with Jesus and out of nowhere death becomes this kind of beautiful destiny. It turns into something that you no longer fear and suddenly, though it sounds odd, crave. Not in a morbid way, simply in the sense that you are so in love with Jesus and so out of love with this world that you naturally desire to be with Him, no fear in death.
This brings up something interesting though that i have basically never, ever thought about. I'm no longer afraid to die, but am i not afraid to live?
because if i'm really honest, i am afraid to live.
something i would truly rather not admit, but quite frankly it's true.
i mean really stop and think about what it means to truly LIVE for Christ. That's some heavy stuff.
it's so much easier to just sit back and tell people that i'm just along for the ride, going with the flow, that i'm simply letting opportunity come.
but what does that really mean? where is the risk in that?
the goal of life is not to arrive safely at death. i know that's cheesy and probably super cliche, but there is so much truth behind those simple words.
my life should not look safe. my life should not be lived in fear. It's just that there is so much joy in Jesus and so much joy in the anticipation of eternity, but this life can often times feel like such a daunting waiting time, such a period of patience and perseverance. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
I mean come on! have i ever even read the Bible? John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy, I came that may have life and have it abundantly".
I've never really thought about it this way, but Jesus isn't just talking about having abundant life in eternity, or abundant life free from sin(which obviously it means both of those things), but Jesus came that we could live fully, every single day, not live safely. This life is big and full of so much opportunity. i feel so silly writing these words because as i write them i can't help but think that i must be so far from Christ to not have thought about these things yet. i just think that i'm scared of living because of my fear of failure. fear of being the reason that someone doesn't see Jesus, being the reason that someone stays stagnant or complacent in their or being the reason that someone perceives scripture wrong. sure these fears are valid, but them ruling me is sick. them ruling me is not even me living in Christ. it's me living in sin and letting the devil grab hold of my heart and my weakness and my pride. yikes, that cuts.
another fear is valuing the wrong things, putting my support and time into things that lack eternal value. but the truth is TONS of things can have eternal value, and no matter what we're doing can be and, if we're living in Christ, will be for the glory of the Father.
All i know is one thing. life is beautiful. think of the beauty in creation, across the board, that the Lord has created for us to delight in, to see Him in, to share with others, to serve Him with, and to steward back to Him. Gosh He has given us so much. So much to have fun with and take joy in and love. He's given us so many trails to run and mountains to climb, so many stars to gaze at and waves to splash in. So many tears to shed in laughter and pain, so many precious little hands to hold and many, many hands to let go of. we have battles to fight, some to win and some to lose, and some to lay to rest, because the journey was the important part, not the end result. we have sunrises and sunsets and dawns and midnights. we have 26 letters worth of endless possibilities. don't even get me going on all of the laughter that lies in this one wild and reckless life. lets laugh at the days to come and the one that we're in right now.
i guess this is nothing but a reminder to myself to take joy in this life. it's a gift, it's a delight, it's a once in a lifetime. Heaven will be beautiful and incomparable, but we get this one, limited time offer to bring the eternal to the present. I cannot wait for what's ahead, my heart dwells on eternity frequently, but the good and faithful servant that i want to be is one who does well with all that has been given. i don't want to miss out on this journey. i need to open my eyes to the opportunity that lies in every crevice of this life, instead of just looking for the chances that sparkle.
this is a lot of my thoughts the past two days.
dream big folks, for we have a BIG GOD.
-abbie.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
run with endurance.
as soon as i typed that title i became immediately insecure because i thought "people are going to see the title and expect something about working out and then think i'm a fraud because its not about that!", cause the truth is, i'm not writing about working out at all. the subject of this post comes down to a little yet difficult practice called perseverance.
Ever since i was in the 8th grade i have had stomach issues, for the most part they amounted to nothing more than daily stomach aches that we chalked up to stress and anxiety, but nonetheless they have persisted for the past 6 or 7 years. well, over the course of this past summer, which was spent joyfully at New Life Ranch, my stomach aches became worse and more frequent...aka every moment of every day. at the end of the summer i was itching to figure out what the problem was so i went to see my doctor and had some blood work done and lo and behold(on the morning of my 20th birthday) i was kindly informed that i have Celiac Disease. For those who aren't familiar with Celiac it is a genetic autoimmune disease. It basically means that my body cannot process gluten, which is a protein found in all forms of wheat, barley, rye, and triticale. And therefore i get sick when i eat gluten/wheat. this resulted in a very fast lifestyle change and honestly i never took a second to step back and process the fact that from that moment forth, though it sounds dramatic, my life wouldn't ever be the same. I know that the solution sounds simple:stop eating wheat. but trust me it is much more difficult than that. even if you are extremely careful to never eat wheat EVER there is still the chance of cross contamination, which happens...a lot. for instance i have to use my own personal toaster to toast my bread so that i don't ever get wheat crumbs on my rice bread. and it gets even nittier and grittier than that. Now from the get go i've tried to stay positive about it because the truth is, its not going anywhere, and its not going to get better. Unless by some act of God i am healed, i will have celiac for the rest of my life, and complaining isn't going to give me anything except a bad attitude, plus i've had the blessing of seeing my mom handle the same disease, so i'm not a total newb.
Enough explanation, lets get to the point:
I assumed that since i knew the problem and knew how to handle it, it would just get better and i'd be back in tip top shape in no time. here's the problem though, it didn't get better, health wise its only gotten worse because someone i keep getting cross contaminated and so my body has never gotten to heal.
Side note about myself: i am a fixer. when i see i problem i like to find the solution and get the job done so that things go back to working order as quickly and effectively as possible. I think that area of my life is one that can often be covered in pride and my desire for control, which is why i think that God has allowed me to deal with injuries and health issues.
You see i had a meltdown the other day because after many doctors visits, procedures, and even 2 visits to the ER, the problem is still there and it turns out that my sensitivity to gluten is a little bit more intense than i thought. I had said meltdown because i realized that this problem isn't just going to heal up and go away, or even become easy. i'm stuck with it, and there's no forgetting it. i cannot simply put a cast on it, wait 6 weeks and go back to normal. its here and the truth is its really hard. i don't know what to do sometimes and the greatest struggle with it is often too hard to express, this difficulty stems from the fact that its deeper than just a disease. it cuts straight to my pride. if i'm being honest its embarrassing. its hard because it's another thing that makes me different. its hard because it means that i have to do something that i'm not good at, i have to be observant. i have to plan. i have to prepare. i have to constantly be aware of what i'm eating. more than anything though i had a meltdown because i came to realize that for the past 6 months i have been missing out on the lesson that i truly think God is trying to teach me: PERSEVERANCE. Celiac is the perfect opportunity for God to show me, on a very basic, concrete level, that i can't fix everything...that a doctor can't fix everything. there's not always a simple answer or a magic wand. sometimes the only answer is to just keep walking, knowing that He is laying the next stone for me to step on. He's asking me to step when i really can't see what's ahead, even though i have no control and no clue what to do, He is asking me to press on through the pain and uncertainty, knowing that the end result will be much more beautiful than these Earthly woes. He is asking me to persevere. this concept is extremely difficult for me and something that God has been teaching me for years and i'm sure will be teaching me for years to come. in the midst of the chaos though i am reminded of His faithfulness to turn the painful into the beautiful. the fact that His love and mercy doesn't let me get away with what my sinful nature desires but instead goes to the ends of the earth, even to the end of my personal comfort, to teach me more about Himself. That blows my mind. its incredible to think that Jesus will literally use whatever means necessary to teach us what it looks like to look like Himself. I serve an awesome God. it is not in celiac that i take joy, it is in the God who turns disease into life, that i find joy. thats crazy, through a disease that brings pain and harm to my earthly body, God is bringing life and health and wholeness to my spirit. now that is what is beautiful. that is what is joyful. that is what Christ is all about.
my prayer is that God continue His push to teach me to persevere, because my heart's prayer is that someday He have greater perseverance, for His namesake, in store for me. and how can i expect to persevere then, if i can't even persevere now, when i have every amenity and comfort i could ever ask for.
Thank God that my physical pain can be a testimony to the greatness of our Lord and Savior.
He truly makes everything glorious.
-abbie
*disclaimer: this is not a plea for pity, trust me, i hate pity. I praise God that it's not worse because it could be so so so much worse and i daily thank God for my health. this is all simply to show how God has been working through a difficult situation/adjustment/life-change. i use the term "disease", simply because it technically is, but on the scale of 1 to cancer, i'd say celiac falls pretty low. i am blessed to be in the state of health that i am, its more than this sinful skin deserves.
Ever since i was in the 8th grade i have had stomach issues, for the most part they amounted to nothing more than daily stomach aches that we chalked up to stress and anxiety, but nonetheless they have persisted for the past 6 or 7 years. well, over the course of this past summer, which was spent joyfully at New Life Ranch, my stomach aches became worse and more frequent...aka every moment of every day. at the end of the summer i was itching to figure out what the problem was so i went to see my doctor and had some blood work done and lo and behold(on the morning of my 20th birthday) i was kindly informed that i have Celiac Disease. For those who aren't familiar with Celiac it is a genetic autoimmune disease. It basically means that my body cannot process gluten, which is a protein found in all forms of wheat, barley, rye, and triticale. And therefore i get sick when i eat gluten/wheat. this resulted in a very fast lifestyle change and honestly i never took a second to step back and process the fact that from that moment forth, though it sounds dramatic, my life wouldn't ever be the same. I know that the solution sounds simple:stop eating wheat. but trust me it is much more difficult than that. even if you are extremely careful to never eat wheat EVER there is still the chance of cross contamination, which happens...a lot. for instance i have to use my own personal toaster to toast my bread so that i don't ever get wheat crumbs on my rice bread. and it gets even nittier and grittier than that. Now from the get go i've tried to stay positive about it because the truth is, its not going anywhere, and its not going to get better. Unless by some act of God i am healed, i will have celiac for the rest of my life, and complaining isn't going to give me anything except a bad attitude, plus i've had the blessing of seeing my mom handle the same disease, so i'm not a total newb.
Enough explanation, lets get to the point:
I assumed that since i knew the problem and knew how to handle it, it would just get better and i'd be back in tip top shape in no time. here's the problem though, it didn't get better, health wise its only gotten worse because someone i keep getting cross contaminated and so my body has never gotten to heal.
Side note about myself: i am a fixer. when i see i problem i like to find the solution and get the job done so that things go back to working order as quickly and effectively as possible. I think that area of my life is one that can often be covered in pride and my desire for control, which is why i think that God has allowed me to deal with injuries and health issues.
You see i had a meltdown the other day because after many doctors visits, procedures, and even 2 visits to the ER, the problem is still there and it turns out that my sensitivity to gluten is a little bit more intense than i thought. I had said meltdown because i realized that this problem isn't just going to heal up and go away, or even become easy. i'm stuck with it, and there's no forgetting it. i cannot simply put a cast on it, wait 6 weeks and go back to normal. its here and the truth is its really hard. i don't know what to do sometimes and the greatest struggle with it is often too hard to express, this difficulty stems from the fact that its deeper than just a disease. it cuts straight to my pride. if i'm being honest its embarrassing. its hard because it's another thing that makes me different. its hard because it means that i have to do something that i'm not good at, i have to be observant. i have to plan. i have to prepare. i have to constantly be aware of what i'm eating. more than anything though i had a meltdown because i came to realize that for the past 6 months i have been missing out on the lesson that i truly think God is trying to teach me: PERSEVERANCE. Celiac is the perfect opportunity for God to show me, on a very basic, concrete level, that i can't fix everything...that a doctor can't fix everything. there's not always a simple answer or a magic wand. sometimes the only answer is to just keep walking, knowing that He is laying the next stone for me to step on. He's asking me to step when i really can't see what's ahead, even though i have no control and no clue what to do, He is asking me to press on through the pain and uncertainty, knowing that the end result will be much more beautiful than these Earthly woes. He is asking me to persevere. this concept is extremely difficult for me and something that God has been teaching me for years and i'm sure will be teaching me for years to come. in the midst of the chaos though i am reminded of His faithfulness to turn the painful into the beautiful. the fact that His love and mercy doesn't let me get away with what my sinful nature desires but instead goes to the ends of the earth, even to the end of my personal comfort, to teach me more about Himself. That blows my mind. its incredible to think that Jesus will literally use whatever means necessary to teach us what it looks like to look like Himself. I serve an awesome God. it is not in celiac that i take joy, it is in the God who turns disease into life, that i find joy. thats crazy, through a disease that brings pain and harm to my earthly body, God is bringing life and health and wholeness to my spirit. now that is what is beautiful. that is what is joyful. that is what Christ is all about.
my prayer is that God continue His push to teach me to persevere, because my heart's prayer is that someday He have greater perseverance, for His namesake, in store for me. and how can i expect to persevere then, if i can't even persevere now, when i have every amenity and comfort i could ever ask for.
Thank God that my physical pain can be a testimony to the greatness of our Lord and Savior.
He truly makes everything glorious.
-abbie
*disclaimer: this is not a plea for pity, trust me, i hate pity. I praise God that it's not worse because it could be so so so much worse and i daily thank God for my health. this is all simply to show how God has been working through a difficult situation/adjustment/life-change. i use the term "disease", simply because it technically is, but on the scale of 1 to cancer, i'd say celiac falls pretty low. i am blessed to be in the state of health that i am, its more than this sinful skin deserves.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
moments of impact.
so this is something i've been thinking about blogging about for awhile and have just not really had the time to, cause the truth is it's something that's really, really important to me and therefore its not something that i want to speak of flippantly. so what is this subject? ok, well more than a subject its a group of people who have collectively made a bigger impact on my life than any others. they have been a part of my life for roughly 6 years, some more, some less. they have taught me how to love like Christ loves. they have taught me how to lead. they have taught me how to grow. they have taught how to not take life too seriously. they have taught me patience and grace and forgiveness and kindness in ways that i never could have learned without them. they are beautiful and funny and smart and they love Jesus so so much. i have seen them grow and develop and learn and become their own people. they are some of the most important people in my life. because of them i have been challenged to simultaneously grow up and hold onto my youth. i could honestly go on for days writing of all of the things that this group of people have taught me. it is truly incredible how the Lord chooses the perfectly flawed people that He does in order to reveal Himself to us.
anyway i suppose i am due and introduction. its about time i reveal the mystery of those whom i write about. whats funny is that as i sit here writing this i am waiting for one of them. perfect timing.
here they are:
left to right: emily, molly, hope, mandy, sara pascoe, me, sara reidy, katie, savannah
l to r: meredith, christine, emily, molly, katie, sara, me, hannah
(l to r: katie, christine, me, molly, hope, sara pascoe, sara reidy)
(not pictured: lauren mcgrath and chandler buckingham)
yes very obviously i am referring to my cell group girls. For those who aren't familiar with cell groups they are small groups from Fellowship Bible Chruch. i lead, with 3 other leaders, the Rogers 11th grade girls and they are truly my heart and soul. i seriously never knew that i had the capacity to love anyone as much as i love these girls. for some reason when i was in the 10th grade fellowship allowed me to start leading these precious girls, who were then in the 6th grade. but from the first day that i met them i know from the bottom of my heart that these girls would become an integral part of my life. Boy was that accurate. i love them so much. because of these girls i've been pushed to my limit both physically and emotionally. i've been to tennessee, colorado, and belize with them. i've gotten to see them minister to inner city kids, jungle kids, and kids in their own church. i've gotten to work alongside them even as an equal in ministry and leadership and as i type these thoughts i can't help but have tears in my eyes. i'm sure that to the rest of the world this all sounds like a great sentiment, but i tell you, it is so much more than that. it is inexplicable. i don't think that you can understand Jesus until He's placed you in the position of doing what He did, of making disciples, and it is terrifying and joyous and humbling when i think that because of these girls i have gotten to do that. i don't know why Jesus chose me and them and placed us all together around Him, but its the greatest joy of my life.
To brag on these girls they are amazing, they are seeking Jesus and serving Jesus and living for Jesus day to day. they are passionate and caring and merciful and they LOVE people. they really really do and that is the part that brings me the most joy. I don't know what Jesus' plan for these girls is, but i can tell you one, they are going to go on to do far more than i could ever ask or imagine. i wouldn't be surprised if Jesus used these girls to change the world. they are revolutionaries. they are bright and bold and passionate and abandoned for Him. they are ready to be cut loose on the world. they are the coolest and they are humble and they don't love the world. all of them want Jesus more than they want comfort or status. gosh. i could talk for days.
all of this is simply to say: girls, thank you.
thank you for changing my life.
thank you for letting Jesus use me in your lives, and thank you for letting Jesus use you in my life.
you are some of my best friends, honestly and you will remain a part of my life forever. seriously.
i would not be who i am if it were not for you.
thank you for making me who i am.
love you all with all that is within me, and then some.
-abbie.
anyway i suppose i am due and introduction. its about time i reveal the mystery of those whom i write about. whats funny is that as i sit here writing this i am waiting for one of them. perfect timing.
here they are:
(not pictured: lauren mcgrath and chandler buckingham)
yes very obviously i am referring to my cell group girls. For those who aren't familiar with cell groups they are small groups from Fellowship Bible Chruch. i lead, with 3 other leaders, the Rogers 11th grade girls and they are truly my heart and soul. i seriously never knew that i had the capacity to love anyone as much as i love these girls. for some reason when i was in the 10th grade fellowship allowed me to start leading these precious girls, who were then in the 6th grade. but from the first day that i met them i know from the bottom of my heart that these girls would become an integral part of my life. Boy was that accurate. i love them so much. because of these girls i've been pushed to my limit both physically and emotionally. i've been to tennessee, colorado, and belize with them. i've gotten to see them minister to inner city kids, jungle kids, and kids in their own church. i've gotten to work alongside them even as an equal in ministry and leadership and as i type these thoughts i can't help but have tears in my eyes. i'm sure that to the rest of the world this all sounds like a great sentiment, but i tell you, it is so much more than that. it is inexplicable. i don't think that you can understand Jesus until He's placed you in the position of doing what He did, of making disciples, and it is terrifying and joyous and humbling when i think that because of these girls i have gotten to do that. i don't know why Jesus chose me and them and placed us all together around Him, but its the greatest joy of my life.
To brag on these girls they are amazing, they are seeking Jesus and serving Jesus and living for Jesus day to day. they are passionate and caring and merciful and they LOVE people. they really really do and that is the part that brings me the most joy. I don't know what Jesus' plan for these girls is, but i can tell you one, they are going to go on to do far more than i could ever ask or imagine. i wouldn't be surprised if Jesus used these girls to change the world. they are revolutionaries. they are bright and bold and passionate and abandoned for Him. they are ready to be cut loose on the world. they are the coolest and they are humble and they don't love the world. all of them want Jesus more than they want comfort or status. gosh. i could talk for days.
all of this is simply to say: girls, thank you.
thank you for changing my life.
thank you for letting Jesus use me in your lives, and thank you for letting Jesus use you in my life.
you are some of my best friends, honestly and you will remain a part of my life forever. seriously.
i would not be who i am if it were not for you.
thank you for making me who i am.
love you all with all that is within me, and then some.
-abbie.
Monday, February 13, 2012
reprimands
today i got a slap in the face. straight from Jesus. let me tell you this. it was the worst.
one of my least favorite things about myself is how quickly i loose sight of the depth of my sin. it is an ugly thing and when i say that i hate it i mean that i really, really hate it.
so the most recent form of conviction came through a couple very anxious weeks, some badly bruised feelings, and an attitude that could only be classified as the exact opposite of joy.
before i jump in though let me explain 2 things about myself that will help with this scenario:
1. my love language is the very self-centered "words of affirmation".
sometimes i absolutely hate the idea of love languages cause its so selfish, i feel like it screams "cater to me". anyway sadly what ministers to my heart the best is the one that i perceive to be the most selfish, but the truth is normally i find no pleasure in people affirming my appearance or possessions or personality, but i truly delight in the affirmation of my character because it is proof of the work of the Holy Spirit, but that can turn ugly, cause i pridefully take credit instead of deflecting the glory to the one who is worth affirming. trust me, i'm a mess.
2. when i get hurt or anxious/worried or frustrated, rather than acting on my emotions i have a tendency to simply shut down. i do a lot of internal battling and shut off emotionally from those around me...its a real problem. i would not recommend it as a coping mechanism. its weird and antisocial.(closet introvert.)
so. back to the point. i have been in a major funk lately. just over the past few weeks there's been some sort of weird internal struggle going on that i couldn't quite put my finger on, and its been making me crazy and moody. now another note is that when something is wrong i always want to figure out the root and then fix it. therefore i think that the Lord likes to let me try to figure it out and wait...and wait...and wait. and then boom, out of nowhere He hits me with it. that moment happened today. Over the last two weeks i have thought that i was upset because i felt like people were trying to manipulate me. then i thought that i was upset because i was feeling caged by the life that i currently lead. then today it all came like a wave. i was driving home, talking to my mom, apologizing AGAIN for being a crappy daughter and i was trying to explain to her what was wrong, and what came out looked something like this:
-i am hurt because i don't feel listened to
-i feel like everyone else's actions are being defended and justified, even if they're wrong and hurting me
-i feel like i'm always wrong and like no one believes me/trusts my word and opinion
-i don't feel valued
-i feel like nothing i say is received or respected
***i don't post these things as a cry for attention. please no. simply for transparencies sake, something i can always grow in***
now as you read these i hope that only one thing stands out to you:
SELFISHNESS.
honestly. look at that "i feel" "i'm hurt" "i don't feel".
it makes me sick.
so after i finished talking to my wonderfully patient and gracious mother i was just reflecting on the conversation and there in that moment Jesus just grabbed me and was like "abbie, you see what the real problem is don't you? you realize that all of this is your sinful nature bubbling to surface, attempting to consume you...and you're letting it. other people are not the problem. you are the problem."
yea. there it is. i'm not in a funk because of how people are treating me, or because i'm lacking positive affirmation. i'm weird lately for no reason other than ME. gosh. that absolutely tears me up. this is my fault.
so yea, that conviction happened and then my beautiful, faithful Savior followed it by speaking nothing but love and encouragement into my spirit.
i was sitting in my car thinking, ok, so i'm feeling undervalued by man, i'm feeling like everyone thinks that my opinions and ideas are worthless and wrong, i'm feeling like no one is listening to me. ok. now who else actually experience all of these things? Jesus. people undervalued Jesus. people didn't listen to Jesus. people sincerely believed that Jesus was wrong...and crazy. oh yea, and then they killed Him. so yea. that happened too. But in the midst of this i could hear Jesus whispering to me "abbie, you're looking at all of this like its a bad thing, like it means that you are worthless and ineffective. but let me tell you something, thats exactly what i looked like to the world, so maybe its a sign that you are starting to look more like me." what even.
loving Jesus looks so much different than we think.
it's a whole lot lonelier than we plan on. at least more lonely in the human sense.
but the more you know Jesus the more you realize that you would sacrifice anything for Him. people. affirmation. comfort. friendship. none of it matters. when it really comes down to the choice between the world and Jesus. the choice is simple. He is truly the only thing that matters. may i daily see that my sin is near and ugly. but that the grace and power and love of Jesus Christ is nearer still and it is truly beautiful. and it is the only thing in me worth affirming. He is truly all i need and sometimes the simple thought of that is too much for me to process. i cannot get past His greatness and my smallness.
I love Him so much that I can't breathe.
ab.
one of my least favorite things about myself is how quickly i loose sight of the depth of my sin. it is an ugly thing and when i say that i hate it i mean that i really, really hate it.
so the most recent form of conviction came through a couple very anxious weeks, some badly bruised feelings, and an attitude that could only be classified as the exact opposite of joy.
before i jump in though let me explain 2 things about myself that will help with this scenario:
1. my love language is the very self-centered "words of affirmation".
sometimes i absolutely hate the idea of love languages cause its so selfish, i feel like it screams "cater to me". anyway sadly what ministers to my heart the best is the one that i perceive to be the most selfish, but the truth is normally i find no pleasure in people affirming my appearance or possessions or personality, but i truly delight in the affirmation of my character because it is proof of the work of the Holy Spirit, but that can turn ugly, cause i pridefully take credit instead of deflecting the glory to the one who is worth affirming. trust me, i'm a mess.
2. when i get hurt or anxious/worried or frustrated, rather than acting on my emotions i have a tendency to simply shut down. i do a lot of internal battling and shut off emotionally from those around me...its a real problem. i would not recommend it as a coping mechanism. its weird and antisocial.(closet introvert.)
so. back to the point. i have been in a major funk lately. just over the past few weeks there's been some sort of weird internal struggle going on that i couldn't quite put my finger on, and its been making me crazy and moody. now another note is that when something is wrong i always want to figure out the root and then fix it. therefore i think that the Lord likes to let me try to figure it out and wait...and wait...and wait. and then boom, out of nowhere He hits me with it. that moment happened today. Over the last two weeks i have thought that i was upset because i felt like people were trying to manipulate me. then i thought that i was upset because i was feeling caged by the life that i currently lead. then today it all came like a wave. i was driving home, talking to my mom, apologizing AGAIN for being a crappy daughter and i was trying to explain to her what was wrong, and what came out looked something like this:
-i am hurt because i don't feel listened to
-i feel like everyone else's actions are being defended and justified, even if they're wrong and hurting me
-i feel like i'm always wrong and like no one believes me/trusts my word and opinion
-i don't feel valued
-i feel like nothing i say is received or respected
***i don't post these things as a cry for attention. please no. simply for transparencies sake, something i can always grow in***
now as you read these i hope that only one thing stands out to you:
SELFISHNESS.
honestly. look at that "i feel" "i'm hurt" "i don't feel".
it makes me sick.
so after i finished talking to my wonderfully patient and gracious mother i was just reflecting on the conversation and there in that moment Jesus just grabbed me and was like "abbie, you see what the real problem is don't you? you realize that all of this is your sinful nature bubbling to surface, attempting to consume you...and you're letting it. other people are not the problem. you are the problem."
yea. there it is. i'm not in a funk because of how people are treating me, or because i'm lacking positive affirmation. i'm weird lately for no reason other than ME. gosh. that absolutely tears me up. this is my fault.
so yea, that conviction happened and then my beautiful, faithful Savior followed it by speaking nothing but love and encouragement into my spirit.
i was sitting in my car thinking, ok, so i'm feeling undervalued by man, i'm feeling like everyone thinks that my opinions and ideas are worthless and wrong, i'm feeling like no one is listening to me. ok. now who else actually experience all of these things? Jesus. people undervalued Jesus. people didn't listen to Jesus. people sincerely believed that Jesus was wrong...and crazy. oh yea, and then they killed Him. so yea. that happened too. But in the midst of this i could hear Jesus whispering to me "abbie, you're looking at all of this like its a bad thing, like it means that you are worthless and ineffective. but let me tell you something, thats exactly what i looked like to the world, so maybe its a sign that you are starting to look more like me." what even.
loving Jesus looks so much different than we think.
it's a whole lot lonelier than we plan on. at least more lonely in the human sense.
but the more you know Jesus the more you realize that you would sacrifice anything for Him. people. affirmation. comfort. friendship. none of it matters. when it really comes down to the choice between the world and Jesus. the choice is simple. He is truly the only thing that matters. may i daily see that my sin is near and ugly. but that the grace and power and love of Jesus Christ is nearer still and it is truly beautiful. and it is the only thing in me worth affirming. He is truly all i need and sometimes the simple thought of that is too much for me to process. i cannot get past His greatness and my smallness.
I love Him so much that I can't breathe.
ab.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
i long to breathe
so this whole weekend i have been with the kids that i nanny and throughout the weekend the Lord has not missed a single opportunity to show me His glory in the midst of the craziness of life.
1. the nature of sinful man.
the 4 year old that i nanny has recently slipped into a phase of being extremely defiant and disobedient. a few of the things that he has been saying recently are things like "you're not the boss", "i can do whatever i want", and "i just want to make up my own rules".
now these are all things that i am confident that all of us have said in our lifetimes, but it truly has been awhile since i've been under the impression that i should be able to do whatever i want...first off because i have a pretty good view of the real world from where i stand. but also because i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i seem to have all to quickly forgotten what my heart looked like before the very Spirit of God was placed inside.
this is something i've been thinking about a whole lot recently, how much a heart is transformed when Christ enters in. that a heart cannot remain the same when Jesus ruins humans with His love.
anyway i have seen closely, and with much frustration, this weekend what it looks like to not fully know Jesus. now this little boy is blessed to be growing up with a mom and dad who do know and love the Lord and who pour that love back into him daily, and he knows who Jesus is, he knows the stories, but it really makes me think about the millions who have never heard the name of Jesus.
as sinful man we live in a constant state of frustration because we are living for ourselves. we are living for our way and our agenda. we are living for nothing. we never get what we want and we are always empty and unsatisfied. we are longing to breathe. to be set free from the chains that bind us to ourselves. to this broken land. we see the rocks around crying out, yet we know not the audience to whom they sing their foreign song.
this breaks my heart. to be reminded of the longing that exists in the hearts of so many. longing is inescapable. it is haunting. you never forget a longing and it can rarely be ignored. we all want something that we naturally do not have and what kills me the that they don't know that what they're searching for is the Lover of their soul. they don't know that He wants them even more than they want their greatest desire to be filled.
why don't we tell them more often?
2. the beauty of the birth of the Savior.
tonight i was reading this story to the four year old called "On a Silent Night" and it was quite obviously the story of Jesus' birth. yet what i didn't expect was to hold back tears while trying to read it to a child. the story was short and summed up the major points of the account in Luke. But here's the good part, at the end it had this little prayer that was saying how it had been a long time since the angels sang their holy song, yet we still know that the star that points to the throne, is the star that shines to capture our hearts.
that part is truly beautiful to my heart. to think that yes, it has been years and years and years since the angels sang the song that told the shepherds of the Savior being born. this is something that i cannot even process. the sky suddenly being filled with a host of those who dwell in the presence of the Most High. that's beyond my comprehension. you could truly never be the same.
back on track. think about how beautiful it is that the answer to the longing of our hearts came in the form of a baby. a wide eyed, helpless infant. God is so beautiful when i really stop and think about how He chose to send us His son. i mean really. the last thing the world would ever expect. the last thing the world would ever choose. that's exactly what the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth sent.
and not only sent, but sent with purpose, knowing full well how man would react to His Son. to Himself.
i long to breathe, but not this dense and defiled air. the air i breathe is soiled by the soot of the sin that man brought into this world. i long to truly breathe. i long to fill my lungs with the air that surrounds the throne of God. we are all longing to breathe the air that we were created to breathe.
abbie.
1. the nature of sinful man.
the 4 year old that i nanny has recently slipped into a phase of being extremely defiant and disobedient. a few of the things that he has been saying recently are things like "you're not the boss", "i can do whatever i want", and "i just want to make up my own rules".
now these are all things that i am confident that all of us have said in our lifetimes, but it truly has been awhile since i've been under the impression that i should be able to do whatever i want...first off because i have a pretty good view of the real world from where i stand. but also because i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i seem to have all to quickly forgotten what my heart looked like before the very Spirit of God was placed inside.
this is something i've been thinking about a whole lot recently, how much a heart is transformed when Christ enters in. that a heart cannot remain the same when Jesus ruins humans with His love.
anyway i have seen closely, and with much frustration, this weekend what it looks like to not fully know Jesus. now this little boy is blessed to be growing up with a mom and dad who do know and love the Lord and who pour that love back into him daily, and he knows who Jesus is, he knows the stories, but it really makes me think about the millions who have never heard the name of Jesus.
as sinful man we live in a constant state of frustration because we are living for ourselves. we are living for our way and our agenda. we are living for nothing. we never get what we want and we are always empty and unsatisfied. we are longing to breathe. to be set free from the chains that bind us to ourselves. to this broken land. we see the rocks around crying out, yet we know not the audience to whom they sing their foreign song.
this breaks my heart. to be reminded of the longing that exists in the hearts of so many. longing is inescapable. it is haunting. you never forget a longing and it can rarely be ignored. we all want something that we naturally do not have and what kills me the that they don't know that what they're searching for is the Lover of their soul. they don't know that He wants them even more than they want their greatest desire to be filled.
why don't we tell them more often?
2. the beauty of the birth of the Savior.
tonight i was reading this story to the four year old called "On a Silent Night" and it was quite obviously the story of Jesus' birth. yet what i didn't expect was to hold back tears while trying to read it to a child. the story was short and summed up the major points of the account in Luke. But here's the good part, at the end it had this little prayer that was saying how it had been a long time since the angels sang their holy song, yet we still know that the star that points to the throne, is the star that shines to capture our hearts.
that part is truly beautiful to my heart. to think that yes, it has been years and years and years since the angels sang the song that told the shepherds of the Savior being born. this is something that i cannot even process. the sky suddenly being filled with a host of those who dwell in the presence of the Most High. that's beyond my comprehension. you could truly never be the same.
back on track. think about how beautiful it is that the answer to the longing of our hearts came in the form of a baby. a wide eyed, helpless infant. God is so beautiful when i really stop and think about how He chose to send us His son. i mean really. the last thing the world would ever expect. the last thing the world would ever choose. that's exactly what the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth sent.
and not only sent, but sent with purpose, knowing full well how man would react to His Son. to Himself.
i long to breathe, but not this dense and defiled air. the air i breathe is soiled by the soot of the sin that man brought into this world. i long to truly breathe. i long to fill my lungs with the air that surrounds the throne of God. we are all longing to breathe the air that we were created to breathe.
abbie.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
at a loss
I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
I Need Words
David Crowder Band.
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
I Need Words
David Crowder Band.
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