what is my life?

a window into my life(then maybe you'll understand this title):
i am laying in my bed in the darkness
computer in my lap
listening to Nat King Cole
literally clutching My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, seriously its under my arm. what?
also i am currently marveling over the phenomenon known as glasses...

        ****lets take a short break from the point to talk about how great glasses are. they create a way for the visually impaired, like myself, to see just as well as the best of them. seriously. i have had glasses since i was four(i was that kid) and even though on a daily basis i hate them for hurting my ears and taking up room on my face, or never fitting quite right, i still am thankful for them daily, because without them any face that wasn't less than 15 feet away would look something like a death eater so thank God for glasses.

anyway, back to the point.

my life has really been something of a whirlwind lately.
i'll be real honest in telling you that for a while i felt as if i was spiraling into a future of unwanted adulthood, an adulthood that is inevitable and daunting. i am just as afraid of adulthood as the next lost boy. i may play it cool, like i really like responsibility. but lets be real. growing up is scary stuff. especially the feeling of independence, i would love to act like i am freed by the idea of independence, like there is nothing on earth more attractive than taking the world by storm all on my own...but its not. its terrifying.
now many may argue, "but abbie, you won't be on your own, you've got Jesus" and yes this is true. but this is a revelation or rather epiphany that had to come to me(for the millionth time) on its own. you can't force that.

sometimes i fall into the false mentality that God is holding out on me. that theres a world out there that He's not letting me see because He doesn't trust, or because He wants to deprive me of so that i will only see Him. THIS IS SO STUPID OF ME. what the what? sometimes i surprise even myself...ok actually daily i surprise myself with my stupidity. i "pride" myself on my rationality(actually in high school my small group that i had been with since 4th grade named me "most rational" in the group...again, what the what?), and where is the rational in any of that thinking? lets not even pretend like God is a God of deprivation or forced faith. the devil likes to plant those lies in my head though, and all too often i open the door and invite him in for tea.

So you can see that my mentality for the past few months has been absolutely shot, leaving me feeling worthless and inadequate and apathetic...apathy is my all time least favorite feeling. it is the worst. for anyone who knows me, i love to get behind a cause and dream and plan and hope...that has all been missing. but then BOOM. God blew my apathy wide open.

now sit back and let this soak in for a second, or an hour, or perhaps a lifetime...cause thats probably what it will take:
     "God never coerces us. In one mood we wish He would make us do the thing, and in another mood we wish He would leave us alone. Whenever God's will is in the ascendent, all compulsion is gone. When we choose deliberately to obey Him, then He will tax the remotest star and the last grain of sand to assist us with all His almighty power." Oswald Chambers.

are you following that? cause that was pretty much the Lord looking me in the eyes and saying "ab, just take my hand, cause when you do the entire universe is yours. not because you deserve it. not because you gained it by taking my hand. but because i delight in you. and through you taking My hand I will be made great. just TRUST me."
seroiusly. i can hear it so clearly. "come unto Me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
unless this is your first time reading my blog you are probably sick of hearing the same sh-peal over and over again, cause i am constantly learning and re-learning this very lesson, but i couldn't pick a better lesson to re-learn. God's grace and unconditional love. God's power and perfect goodness. ok, sign me up.

All that to say God tore the roof off my life and now i'm letting you peek inside. not because its great or interesting. but because He's great and interesting and He's got a pretty significant hand in my life...like the whole thing is in His hand, so its unavoidable.

What is my life? do i ask myself this daily? yes.
why? because i honestly don't know what is going on in my life. i don't know whats happening EVER and when i hold my life against the social norms for a 20 year olds life, it truly begs the question:"what is my life?" but then i look at Jesus. and it becomes evident. what my life is, is not knowing and still living for Him.
recklessly abandoned.
be here now.

joyfully unknown.

wherever we are, we are together

Tonight i need to blog about a few of my best friends.
and when i say best friends i actually mean kindred spirits.
Karly Kenyon, Meredith Hawkins, and Meredith Dunn.
Over the course of a long eventful summer at New Life Ranch i was honored with the opportunity to form a close bond with these girls and lets just say that Jesus was in control of our friendships.

i wanted to take this chance to tell my world of 8 followers about these girls and in turn remind myself of how truly blessed i am that the Lord would put such amazing people into my life.

1. Karly Kenyon. oh boy. this girl kind of like an explosion of glitter. it reflects light(in her case the light of Jesus) and it is absolutely contagious. like glitter she sticks to people and even after you've washed your hair 1,000,000 times you still find pieces of her...this is just a really weird way of saying that she makes a lasting impact and is in no way easily forgotten. also like glitter she is beautiful and inspiring, she takes things from boring and ordinary to exciting and shiny. i have never heard anyone talk about Jesus so passionately or joyfully. she is contagious. i got to be co's with karly the last week of camp and i have never been so delighted by someone's joy in simply living. in finding beauty in every single moment. she is truly something. she is also far away...Greenville, IL. my heart longs to sit with her and drink coffee and listen to Josh Garrels and talk about Jesus and the ocean and life. i miss her dearly and with my entire heart(every last piece). i can't tell Karly's future but i can tell you one thing, Jesus is gonna change the world through this girl...even if its only in one person's life. the world will still look different because she was a part of it. karly, it was with you that i embrace the notion that Jesus was a weirdo and i delight in that every single day. Jesus was weird. is that not the greatest thing you've ever heard? be different, cause Jesus sure as heck was. thanks for being weird with me karly.

2. Meredith Hawkins..............honestly. truly. purely. my inspiration. i'm being completely sincere when i write that mere hawk is just that, she is the one who inspires me to be more than myself. she pushes me more than anyone i know to stretch beyond my realm of comfort and expectation and set my sights on something bigger. something greater. something completely impossible without divine intervention. i don't think that she even knows that. she challenges me to dream bigger than i've ever allowed myself, bigger than i've ever been confident too. she is the most incredible encourager i've ever met and the most honest girl in the world. she recognizes the beauty in the chaos of our everyday lives and thanks God for her shortcomings. what? she is one of the most extraordinary people i know. Mere is a dreamer and a believer. i think that mere one of the few people i've ever met that fully embodies the idea of being able to be whatever you set your mind too. for a long time i have hidden behind the notion that i am simply not smart enough to be anything other than mediocre, i was willing to settle for average and leave good enough alone. meredith challenged that in me without even trying. seeing her freedom in dreams and aspirations made me realize that maybe the Lord wants to use me for more than my plans were allowing Him to. Because of Meredith Hawkins i have recognized a dream within myself that is bigger than anything i could have ever recognized without her. she is also too far away... Richmond, Virginia...a.k.a 1,142 miles away. worst. but even from afar i can still hear her voice in my head, pushing me daily to strive for more.

3. last but not even close to least: meredith dunn. i have almost no words except to say that, in short, meredith dunn gets me like no one else on this planet gets me. honestly. this girl is seriously my soul sister, i don't think anyone has ever understood my heart and thought process like her. when i think of meredith dunn 2,000 different things pop into my mind. best friends. creepy campers. braums. cafe on broadway. just to name a few. we may not have a long history of friendship but it certainly is a full history. mere is one of the boldest and most passionate people i know. she caught onto Jesus like never before this summer and ever since that day she has truly been a new creation. she is amazing. i have so joyful gotten to watch her grow in passion and devotion to the Holy Spirit and it is so beautiful. she inspires me to love Jesus more everyday and live for Him alone everyday. i think that i love meredith so much because when she talks about how much she loves Jesus and how she wants to be used by Him all i can think is "i wanna come too"(i can really say that for all these girls) i just love the way that mere communicates her heart because i can hear my heart too. only i feel that her heart is more bold and willing to love than mine is and that challenges me in so many good ways. in so many ways i want to be like meredith dunn. plus she is the most humble person i know because i don't think she gets how great she is, but thats the beauty. she's not quite as far away...but its still too far. Stillwater, Oklahoma. go pokes. go jokes. sports.

i wish i was joyful like karly.
i wish i was a dreamer like mere hawk.
i wish i was bold like mere.

this is why they are my best friends. i see Jesus through them and as a result am pushed to be more like Him.

karly, mere hawk, mere. thank you. for being yourselves. thank you for being the face of Jesus in my life. i miss you, but in the wise words of meredith hawk "wherever we are, we are together."

-ab

pilot me.

today i had lunch with the wonderful windy hall, who has recently started discipling me. It was hands down the most encouraging hour and a half of my semester, it was so great to sit down with someone who was willing to just listen and hear my heart and fears and joys and thoughts. She is truly amazing and i am beyond blessed to be able to learn from her and have her pour into me, i can't wait to get to spend time with her and her family and learn from her life.

Anyway, today as we were talking i had told her about my fears of singleness, not necessarily the fear of always being single, but the fear that the Lord would make me love singleness and as a result of that i would remain single for the rest of my years. now this may sound silly to whoever is reading, considering that i am a mere 20 years old and at this point my world remains pretty small in the scope of the rest of life, but still the struggle persists and i continue to fear the wild unknown. it is in this area of my life that i feel i have the least control, but God's got me right where He wants me.
As i was telling windy this i began to feel that tiny tinge of insecurity, thinking "what if she looks at me and says, 'why are you worrying about this? you're a kid, deal with it'" i also thought, maybe she'll just shoot out some statistic about how many people actually stay single their whole lives and tell me to just wait, and that it would happen someday...while all these things would be completely accurate for her to tell me it still wouldn't change the fact that today, it's really hard.
but did she say any of those things? no. what she did say was one of the most beautiful nuggets of truth and wisdom that i have ever heard.
She said to me, "the truth that i used to cling to in the same situation is the verse that says that no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly, meaning that if i didn't have it, it was because it wasn't good for me at that point of my life"...oh. my. gosh.
think about that in relation to God's perfection. i get so caught up in thinking about what I THINK would be "good" for me, or what i "need", but its like my mom always says, "the One who knows you best, loves you most" He loves me so much and knows me so well that even when i think that a good thing would be good for me, He knows better. He promises that He won't withhold any good thing, so if i don't have something that i think i want its because its not good for me...even if it has the potential to be good. does that make sense? cause it does to me. and even though it might not strike you as some groundbreaking, life changing truth, it completely rewires my thinking. this removes fear. it removes pressure. it removes expectations. i don't ask God to give me pride and lust, because those are things that aren't good for me, so He withholds them, and right now He is also withholding something that my heart really desires, and it is because He is good and will only give me what is good for me. Today singleness is good for me, and until relationship is good for me, i no longer desire it.

God is really something. This adventure of life is always changing. Today i want to walk boldly and fearlessly, not because i have it all figured out, but because He is grasping my hand, and He already knows the ending. He is good. He's not safe, but He's good. 

-content.

Twigs

today i feel like a twig.
when you think of a twig i'm sure that what you see is a sad excuse for a branch.
and to be honest thats kind of exactly what i feel like right now. sometimes i think as believers we have the expectation of being a mighty oak, deeply rooted in the Lord and making a a sizable impact on the scenery. But am i a mighty oak? no. i am a twig. a small branch. not even a branch. just a twig.
i feel like my impact on this earth is pretty small while i am in the midst of the red wood forest, where these giants around me are changing the world, and i am just working within my sphere of comfort.
But here's the deal with being a twig. twigs are really important.
      In Genesis after the flood Noah sent out a dove and what did the dove bring back? a twig from an olive tree. That twig showed Noah that there was life beyond his ark, that God was allowing life to grow and the world to once again change. That twig gave hope of a future for him and his family outside of their ship.
     my life as a twig means that even though i might not be the one leading the boat i still have the opportunity everyday to be a symbol of hope for a future. God can use me to show people that there is something outside of their bubble, life and growth and change and new.
    Also, when you go camping what do you look for in the woods to help start your fire? you look for twigs. you can't start a fire what a massive log, you have to have a base before you can have a massive fire.
     as a twig the Lord can use me as base, sure once the fire is going you completely forget the twig that helped start it, but i love Jesus and His kids and i don't want to be what people remember, i want them to see the fire, not the kindling. my purpose is to show the light and love of Jesus and nothing more, He can use me any day to start that fire in someone's life, and never be thought of again, that's how i want it.
     Lastly when a bird is building its nest it doesn't try to break off an entire branch from a tree...thats just silly, a branch would make the worst nest, also the biggest nest. that's just silly. birds use twigs to build their nests. pieces of something bigger, that they can use amongst other twigs to create their home, to create the one thing that brings comfort and safety.
     GOD make me a nest. make me a fire. make me a twig. i want to be the person that people know that they can count on and come to, and whom they know will share with them real, honest truth from Jesus, but thats all i want to be, i don't want anyone to need me, cause i want them to need Him. I don't need to make an individual impacton the scenery. blend me in. i don't want people to see me. i want them to look at the bigger picture and see Jesus. not abbie. exclude me from the equation. let me be a miniscule part of the whole.
so make me twig. and keep me that way.
a twig for Your glory.


-a twig.

A Hopeful Transmission

Ok so I just read my friend Sadie's blog and was inspired to do what she had done in her blog, thought it was a pretty good way to get me thinking and get the juices flowing in my brain, so here goes.

Currently I am....
....sitting in Arsagas trying to avoid eye contact with my professor who just walked in(i am confident that she: a. doesn't know my name, and b. hates me)

....listening to my knew favorite song, U.F.O by coldplay, i am absolutely raving over their new album. if i could only listen to one band for the rest of my life it would be coldplay, hands down.

......missing my best friends Karly Kenyon, Meredith Dunn, and Meredith Hawkins. lost without them.

.....praying that God will do work in teaching me how to be administrative

.....wondering what the Lord has in store for me as the new president of IJM at the U of A.

.....wondering what the Lord has in store for me for the summer, New Life? Summer School? Internship? I HAVE NO IDEA. but i like it that way.

....pondering how it is just so funny that God can completely change everything you thought you ever wanted in the blink of an eye and to your surprise you find out that the new thing is actually what you wanted...you just never knew it until you let go.

....thinking about how homesick i am for Heaven. my heart longs to be with Jesus. I don't care about bucket lists or changing the world before I die, sure those are good adventures along the way, but in this one the destination is way more beautiful than the journey. I wanna meet my Savior face to face. Hug Him. see Him smile like I have never seen anyone smile because it will be full of perfect and complete joy and love. I have tears in my eyes thinking about that moment. I can't wait. I pray that I live a life here on Earth that is evidence to Him of just how much I love Him, because my love for Him is beyond reason and explanation, and its because His love for me is outside of reason and explanation. Beautiful.

......also i am avoiding homework..dang it, why am i the worst?

I have this problem where all i want to do is throw myself head first into EVERY opportunity, I don't want to miss things, I don't want to miss out on opportunities to do what I am passionate about, but I do that at the expense of my responsibilities. My greatest battle is that between ministry opportunities and school responsibilities. I think about dropping out every single day without fail. I pray every day that God give me a heart for school, but its just so hard when i'm not even learning about Him and at that not even liking my major...but then i remember, just a year and a half and then i'm done and i can truthfully say "here I am Lord, send me". GOSH I LOVE JESUS. I love Him so much. I can't even contain myself.

-Abbie.

ALSO i am currently consumed with my desire to be in Florida RIGHT NOW. my family is going for thanksgiving and i am potentially going in 2 weekends and its all i can think of cause i just want sunshine and the sea. the ocean is my love language. but really.

love and war and the sea in between.

"Here I stand before Your throne, asking You to be the voice of the dreamer. Be the whisper. Hush the voice of doubt. Hush the fear of failure. The voice that tells me that I am in over my head, of course I am, but You are the sea and You are the life boat. You surround. This could be a 'set your sail and risk the ocean' moment. So boldly I will raise the anchor and cut the rope that ties me to the shore of certainty, to the shore of safety. My flesh longs to stay tied to the dock, but my soul yearns for the storm, to find You in the hurricane. In high tide and in low tide, faithful You remain. There is nothing to fear in Your seas, all that exists are waves of mercy and grace. Give me storms when i need them and smooth waters when You permit. And even if this ship goes down and the journey ends, I will know that is has only just begun and You will always remain. You, my choppy waters. You, my hurricane. You, my driving winds and pelting rain. You, my rays of sunlight. You, my crystal sea. You, my life vest. You, my light house. You, my starry night. You remain the same."
(journal entry, 9-25-2011)

That is my heart.

i love my Savior and i love the sea.

i want to be bold. i want to love fearlessly. i want my life to be risky. i want to thrive in the uncertainty. i want to traipse courageously into the unknown grasping the hand of Jesus. i want to bypass any notion of rationality or logic and simply follow Him, even when it doesn't make sense and the whole world tells me i am a fool. I still want to say yes to His beckoning.

i want an adventure.

-abbie.

red paint.

so i've been thinking a lot lately.
thinking about what exactly i'm doing. what is the purpose for my fall semester of my junior year of college. my purpose for september of 2011. my purpose for this day. If God in His mercy has chosen to give me breath for today their is obviously divine potential for every second. I read a book one time called Chasing Daylight, by Erwin McManus, and its about capturing your divine moment, in other words its about taking advantage of every moment we have and using it to the utmost for the Kingdom. Lets be honest, at this i fail. i am the absolute worst at recognizing, or at least acknowledging God's purpose for the moments that I have been given. I often choose to ignore my convictions because i lack the courage to represent Jesus Christ, or at least i am to complacent and stagnant enough to not represent Jesus. this truth breaks my heart to write. why? why can i not be more bold for a Savior that gave it all for me? In John 17, before He is arrested and brutally murdered He prays for ME(but really all of us) for my soul and my livelihood, He prays that God have mercy on my soul and i can't even bring Him up to a class mate, why? I spoke the name of Jesus probably 100 times every day at camp with the greatest of ease and i come back here and i don't even talk about Jesus with my Christian roommates every day. that makes me want to cry.
So here is ultimately what i have been thinking about, the name of Jesus Christ. If we have been given the privilege, the honor, the task, to speak the name of Jesus every single day why don't we do it? we call ourselves followers of Jesus but we hesitate to utter His name in public. Being a true follower of Jesus should be like having wet red paint on your hands, no matter what you do you should be leaving marks on everything you touch. You should be making a stain on everything and everyone you come into contact with. i want to make some stains.
I'm memorizing Philippians 2 right now and it says:
" Christ Jesus, who though He was in the form of God, didn't count equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men and being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven an on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father"(philippians 2:6-11)
so why don't we say THAT name? the name that is above every name. the name that has all power and authority to take every created being to their knees just at its mention. What would happen if we stopped being "Christians" and started being Followers of Jesus Christ. we say we are Christians so that we don't have to say the name of Jesus, cause Jesus is offensive, nothing about Jesus is easy. He is an uncomfortable subject. But He is the only name in heaven and on earth and under the earth that matters.
I want to be a follower of Jesus. I want to stain the world with the red paint of the name of Jesus Christ and His renown. How can we show Jesus that we love Him if we don't say His name?
lets love Jesus. lets speak His name. In His name there is power. in His name there is love. in His name there is salvation. spread it.

-abbie.

abide.

"are not there little chapters in everybodys life that seem like nothing, and yet affect all the rest of history?"
-William Makepeace Thackeray

thats a good thing about being an english major, i'm always finding the greatest quotes. This one comes from Vanity Fair by Thackeray, he's kinda brilliant.

so i've been thinking about God a lot lately. What i've been thinking is that i want to be like Hosea and Jeremiah...and that directly relates to God. You see Hosea and Jeremiah were two really, really faithful men in the Bible that God called to really difficult missions, and rather than running or arguing or fighting God, they simply obeyed. I think often times people think that obedience and submission are signs of weakness, but i think they are actually a sign of true strength. There is nothing weak about saying "not my will be done, but Yours", i mean really think about it, that one sentence is essentially saying "despite my desires for comfort and safety and my own way, i would rather have Your way, even if it means poverty, pain, and uncertainty". But heres the thing, thats what we are called too. I think a lot of times we tell ourselves that we are living in submission to the Lord, we say that we are willing to follow His call wherever it leads, but are we really? How often do we glaze over a word from God simply because it is hard? "What Jesus says is hard, it is only easy when it is heard by those who have His disposition. Beware of allowing anything to soften a hard word of Jesus Christ"(chambers). Am i willing to lay down my desires, bypass all practicality and tell Jesus that all that matters to me that His will be done in my life? Am i willing to be a pawn? Am i willing to accept the fact that my life is just a sentence in the fullness of His story? if i truly want God's will i have to let go of me. i have to let go of it all and be fully His, not mine. I want that. I want to abide.

Father, make me invisble, that You may be seen more clearly.

abbie.

the calm.

the calm comes before the storm. is that my life right now?
I worked at a Christian camp all summer long and for 11 weeks the majority of that time people experience to some degree or another an emotional overload...except for me. I was unemotional to the point that i nearly lost the ability to cry. Now of course my joy went untouched(thank the Lord) but that is because even though i wasn't "feeling" the Lord in big ways, i was still daily experiencing His goodness and faithfulness, i felt like i was sitting back all summer and watching Him work, and for some reason, that is beyond my comprehension, He chose to use me. He didn't need me or require my submission to get His work done, but in His greatness He chose to use a broken, prideful, messy, out of her mind kid to pour love and truth into the life of other staff and campers. All the while He was pouring truth and love into me through His word and those around me.
He blessed me beyond my expectations this summer and for that i am eternally thankful, its funny how God places amazing followers of Christ in your life for an itty bitty season to remind you that they exist and then takes them away to remind you that the body of Christ is about going out into the world. God gave me the 7 best friends that i have ever had in my entire life over the summer, through them i got to see true passion Jesus Christ, i saw followers of Jesus like I never have before. I got to be encouraged every single day by these people for 11 weeks. HOLY SMOKES. Thank you Jesus. But heres the kicker, we are spread out all across the states, and i'm the only one in Arkansas. Richmond, Greenville, Winston-Salem, Stillwater, Bolivar, Stillwater, and Norman. what the heck, but its so beautiful. Beautiful to think that the light of Jesus is alive in those places through true followers of Jesus Christ. AH! God is at work folks and nothing we do or don't do is gonna slow Him down. jump on board cause He's calling.

So heres the real deal, over the summer my lack of emotional high led into something bigger, slowly over 11 weeks i lost all mission and vision for my life. no joke. I suddenly realized one night during NLR unplugged(worship service on Friday night) that i had no idea what i was doing with my life and couldn't think of a single thing that i wanted to do. i had lost all passion for anything. previously i was excited about the idea of teaching and youth ministry, and those were both gone simultaneously. i literally couldn't think of a single thing that i wanted to do with my life, a single mission that i could get excited about. i had lost all heart for anything other than Jesus. at first i was terrified, then i was disappointed, then i was confused, then i decided to try and guess what God was doing...bad idea. i started putting my hope into my own idea of what God was doing in my life and why He had taken away all passion and desire. Well that crashed and burned. what i thought was doing turned out to be a complete bust and i ended up putting my hope into something that in the end hurt my heart. once that happened(2 days ago...oops) i decided that i had to let go(again) of any and all expectations i had of God's plan and decided that i need to get back to submission because the truth is I have NO IDEA what God is doing in my life, no idea what His plan is, and no idea what He wants for me, all i know is that if i am living in daily obedience then i am living the will of God, and truly that is all i need to know. so for a total of 24 hours my heart was at complete rest in Jesus, something that He had been desiring of me all summer, something that i had failed at majorly all summer, He graciously took away the biggest desire of my heart just so that i could have another opportunity to learn how to rest in Him, something that i need desperately. cause surprise, i am rarely at rest. i can trust God but i am rarely at rest, i am always thinking, planning, projecting, analyzing, etc. instead of just laying back into Him and letting Him have complete control. I have never experienced what i have been experiencing in these last 2 days. But today i think God changed my heart. He brought me my big dream. i, for the first time all summer, got a call on my heart and found excitement and passion in something that i have never even considered for myself, for my life. i was talking to a guy in my prisoner written literature class(riveting, i know) and he told me that he wanted to go to law school and it hit me like and anvil hitting wylie coyote in an old bugs bunny cartoon...i want to go to law school. i realized that i have a heart for refugees, especially for those from countries torn by civil war(like Sudan). i realized that the thought of being a human rights and civil liberties lawyer brings tears to my eyes. i never in a million years would have even entertained the idea of being a lawyer, but suddenly it is all i want to do. I knew that through God removing all passions and desires in my life it was because He was about to do something big in my life, it just came in a different package then i ever would have imagined. But now i am convinced that law school is the next step. i seriously never would have imagined, my mind is blown by that way He works. This is what i thought He was bringing, and getting here hurt me, but in the end this is so much better than i could have expected. now i have a vision. so, yea. thats it.

all i know is that i love Jesus. "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." He is making that real every moment. all i have to do is take the next step.
my heart is racing.
thats all Jesus.
i want Him and only Him.

abbie lay.

i love you, tomorrow.

T6 for good measure.

1-i leave for camp tomorrow. bittersweet. just praying that the Lord does work and that i essentially get to sit back and watch Him in action. please be praying for me this summer that the Lord supplies for my needs and that i never stop seeking Him. He knows what i need, He is faithful, just pray that i remain faithful in return.
2-my wonderful, adorable, amazing parents have officially been married for 30 years. crazy. their marriage is such a beautiful blessing and example in my life. if it has taught me anything it is that your marriage isn't just a commitment to another person, but a commitment to the Lord, therefore no matter how hard or painful or frustrating it gets you never walk away, ever. thank you mom and dad for loving the Lord enough to keep loving each other through it all. i know my life and your life will be blessed by the integrity of your marriage.(p.s. my parents are happy and love eac other...no worries.
3- family dinners. tonight the family hit P.F. Changs and TCBY for a little family time to celebrate the rents anniversary and my last night before camp. lets just say awesome. i love my family so so much and am so blessed by them and the time we have together. God truly gave me the best when it comes to family. only wish my brother michael could have been there. i miss him beyond belief. good ol' Florida had to steal him away.
4-steriod shots. i have ridiculously bad seasonal allergies. mostly in the spring, sometimes fall. but the point is that today i got a steriod shot to help with my allergies before i head off to camp...and its the best. i hate shots. but i love steriod shots. lifesavers. i feel like a million bucks compared to yesterday. thank God for modern medicine.
5-my cell group. we had a cell group retreat this past weekend and it was one of the best times i've ever had with those girls. i adore every single one of them for so so so many reasons. they are amazing and blow me away and i love knowing their hearts even more than before. i am so blessed. holy smokes.
6-i found out what activity classes i'm teaching this summer at new life. H2WHOA! and Olympiad. holy moly. i'm stoked. H2WHOA is the most hilarious activity class ever cause its for junior campers and its awesome, and olympiad is gonna be da best. i can't wait.
-1 i miss my friends a lot. i had a bunch a friendships really strengthen and grow towards the end of the semester and now all of my friends are gone for the summer. i miss them. YAY FOR NEW FRIENDS AT CAMP!
7- did i mention senior retreat before? cause i'm sure i did but its worth another honorable mention. take my word for it. best.

-abbie lay.

write me letters at camp!
Abbie Lay
160 New Life Ranch Drive
Colcord, OK
74338

have a blessed summer.

tool bag.

t fizzy.

1-lunch with jessica tolan and kelly johnson. my lovely friends and future roommates. it was our last lunch before we all go our ways for the summer, won't see either of them till august...sad.
2-chipotle. i love burritos. also garland autry was there. whats better?
3- maddox cash crossland was particularly charming today. love that little boy.
4-oliver and company. an old favorite disney movie that we never owned when i was little. i recently found it on VHS at Goodwill. best ever. watching it now.
5-chris albritton, ben hartness, and james mix. some of my favorite boys to hang out with. they crack me up. loved unexpectedly spending time with them today
5.5- today i listened to First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes on the way to fay, and then i was on stumbleupon tonight and the music video came up. booyah.(weird video though, not a fan)

"Hey man, if this is torture, chain me to da wall"
-tito from oliver and company.



-Abbie

bones like iron, blood like mercury

tee phive

1-friends...not the real people, the tv show. i love it. i am watching it. i am happy.
2-thrift stores.
3-bliss cupcakes. yum city.
4-the mustache store. all mustaches all the time.
5-"i'm gonna marry you" maddox crossland(the 3 year old i nanny)

easy.

-packs

insomnia

so i believe that to some extent i am an insomniac. i don't know that this is based on fact, but i think its true and my sleeping patterns resemble those of insomniacs that i know. i realize that insomnia is linked to depression and i know i'm not depressed but it doesn't change the fact that i can't fall asleep at night. its cause my mind runs a million miles an hour and keep me awake for ever at night. its been this way since i was a kid. i would read entire books in a night because i couldn't sleep. its a good thing that i am high energy and don't need a lot of sleep to function, give me six hours and i'm set.plus i don't like sleeping, its boring. all of this is said to give purpose to my blogging at 1 in the morning. and thats all.
now for some T5.

1. God's grace and forgiveness. it is new every morning. great is His faithfulness.
2. the fact that He is strong in my weakness. I was given the opportunity to speak to some seniors in high school this weekend about what it looks like to do ministry in college(i am totally not worthy of that honor), and going into i really didn't know what i was going to say, but it was so beautiful to see God pull through and give me words. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.
3. sweet incoming freshman. this sounds weird but like i said i hung out with seniors this weekend and they are amazing! I cannot wait to further my friendships with those girls cause they are wonderful!so blessed.
4. laughter. i love nothing more than laughing. i love to make other people laugh and i love laughing with others. this weekend i laughed more than i've laughed in awhile. so much fun with new and old friends. i love the unexpected community that the Lord has placed in my life, He knows my heart so well.
5. My cell group. they could be in my T5 everytime. cause they are superstars and i love them so much. Being at a senior retreat made it so hard to not get emotional and start counting down the days till my girls graduate(which is two years from now...makes me teary), but i have to constantly remind myself to live in today with them and take advantage of every moment we've got. LOVE THEM. as i said before God knows my heart so, so well.

-abbie lay

bingo

so this is lame but i thought that my blog got deleted and i went into panic mode....maybe that says something about my blogging habits...

todays T5

1. MY NEPHEW IS 1!!!!!!!!! my lands, cannot believe that my sweet baby nephew is already 1 year old! So thankful to God for his health and safety in his first year of life! praying God continues to protect his sweet life and make him into a man after God's own heart, theres nothing i want more than to see that sweet boy grow into a Godly man, good thing he has parents that love Jesus so much!

2. last college ministry group of the year. i have been so blessed by my group this year and have absolutely loved that new friends and thefriends that i've grown closer to because of it, so beautiful! i will truly miss them this summer

3. Jessica Tolan, Kelly Johnson, and Katie Hartness. my roommates next year. my heart just jumps for joy every time i think about it. after a year of living alone i can't wait to have community in a living arrangment. holy mokes, i am so blessed to have them as my roomies for at least the next 2 years!!!!

4. God's unfailing love. no matter how much i dislike myself or get down on myself God never stops loving me, and not even for any particular reason, not because of anything i've ever done or will ever do, He just loves me because He is love. There is nothing more puzzling and beautiful and freeing than that. i mean wow.

5. challenges. i love when God challenges me. gives me something new that i absolutely cannot do within my own human power. i love needing him and relying on him. I love Him most.

my momma, liam daniel, and me at lunch on his birthday. love love love.

-aunt abbie

You are my JOY

so i've been super good at blogging lately because it keeps me from studying...and i hate studying.

1. my World Lit final- easy squeezey lemon peezey. so much better than i could have ever imagined. PTL.
2. CROSSLANDS ARE BACK. holy smokes i missed those hooks while they were in the Bahamas! i mean really. they are wonderful and 10 days was way too long to go without seeing them. really.
2.5 while the crosslands were gone Maddox grew an inch...bitter sweet. my little pirate is growing up way too fast.
3. Sonic date with Hannah Hawley. nuff said. she is truly a dear. love her sweet spirit.
4. getting the Staff Compass(handbook) from Rhett today for NLR this summer. Got me so excited for the ranch! golly its only 14 days away...ooc.
5. my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew. probably my favorite family. i love that they live so close and i can spend time with them. they are wonderful and i love them.
5.5 today my nephew, Liam, cuddled with a stuffed elmo toy and it was by far the cutest thing i've ever seen...can't believe he's one day away from being a big one year old! crazy!

how my sweet taylor and carter crossland will forever live in my memory. this picture is from summer '07 when i went to florida with them...i'm 15, tay is 8 and carter is 6...tears.(i just got the teeniest hole in my heart.)
-abbie

Mums Day

1. today was my sweet nephew's 1st birthday party! Such a joyful celebration of his little life! love love love that boy
2. reunions. the bulk of my cell group was at church today and we all sat together at college ministry-jessica, katherine anne, tiffany, me, sarah, and sam! love being together again, miss those girls, we're spread between JBU, UofA, UCA, and OBU. but we're together again, love 'em.
3. studying for finals-now don't think that i like finals or studying but this means that its almost finals time which means school is almost over! booyah.
4. this one is from friday but it needs to be T5ed, after much prayer and patience The Lord provided a job for Al Stehben. God is so faithful and i'm so happy to see that family trusting the Lord and being taken care of! LOVE.
5. last but not least: MOTHERS DAY. I am blessed with the greatest mother alive. i mean really. she is wonderful, such a blessing and example of a Godly woman raising a family and loving the Lord. i can never thank her enough for all she does and can never thank God enough for giving me her!


Probably one of my favorite family pictures ever.
love love love it.

-abbie lay.

its that thing where...

i'm really feeling the T5 blog, so i'm gonna keep trucking along

1-listening to "The Best of Passion" and they are singing "we fall down" in swahili and skyping a tribe in Africa, and everything about that is so beautiful. Connecting the church here to the church across the world. So awesome to remember our brothers and sisters worshiping the Lord right alongside us from other continents. LOVE IT. God is great.
2-another beautiful May day, it actually got hot today, which is a dream come true.
3-sweet sweet time with my cell girls again today(this weekend has been full of them, love it!) we went to the RHHS spring folly to support Sara Reidy and then went to TCBY(delish.0). love spending good quality time with those girls
4-time with my family. always good. gotta get in the quality time before i head off to camp for 10 weeks.
5-looking forward to camp...its so exciting to think about how i get to spend the whole summer watching God's glorious plan unfold in so many individuals! holy moly i can't wait!

"I may not have gone where i intended to go, but i think i have ended up where i needed to be"
-Douglas Adams
(story of my life)
-abbie

T5+T5=T10

(yesterday)
1. i got an A on my final paper for my Modern American Literature class. Which means if i get an A on the final I'll get an A in the class...hallelujah.
2. last day of classes until August 22nd...nuff said.
3. thrift store shopping which resulted in a VHS copy of my favorite Mary-Kate and Ashley movie It Takes Two. now this is a big deal cause i loved the movie as a kid and we recorded from tv, but its missing the first 15 minutes, which always broke my heart. now i have it. also i love VHS, something about it makes me smile. so simple.
4. snow cones. honestly whats not to love? my perfect day involves bike riding and snow cone consumption...quick way to my heart? sing phil collins and buy me a snow cone.
5. foam party at the dojo. even though it got shut down by the cops it was still a blast and tiffany pennington was there. great time with friends, old and new. plus who doesn't love dancing in 2 feet of foam? nothin but net.

(today)
1. sleeping till 10:30...i haven't done that since...ever.(still only got 8 hours cause i didn't go to bed till 2...oh well)
2. lunch with mandie and wil, sweet john brown friends that always bring a smile to my face.
3. spending time with my cell girls. they are easily some of my favorite people alive. today we went to hope's soccer game and had some sweet time just being together. i love it. i will miss them so so so so so much this summer. they are my greatest gift from God. He knows me so well.
4. Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium. if you haven't seen it, watch it. makes me cry everytime. i'm a sucker for whimsy. it may be a children's movie but don't be fooled, its got some good stuff in there.
5. sitting in my bed reading harry potter 4. i haven't had a second to read anything but a school book all semester and have been sitting on page 347 of HP4 since Christmas break, its so nice to finally have time to do some leisure reading...i'm such an english major.

thats it.

"So many doors opening and closing - it's like a tornado some days. Almost as if the universe is clapping."

-abbie
my heart overflows.

To Be Young

So i wanted a little break from writing an analysis of Robert Browning's "The Lost Leader"(yes, it is as exciting as it sounds...), so i thought i'd blog. Mostly cause i haven't blogged in something like 2 months, maybe longer, but i also wanted to write something that wouldn't be graded. where i didn't have to worry about ANYTHING. i can write as many choppy sentences as i want and as many long, wordy sentences as i want. i do what i want. also i just needed to put all my thoughts out of my little brain so i'd have more room to think critically about Browning's opinions on liberalism and conservatism. boom.

Thinks i am thinking:
1. i really like straight lines
2. i like patterns and symmetry. a lot.
3. i could do an entire blog inspired by what i read in My Utmost for His Highest everyday. no lie. its the best book ever written in my opinion.
4. i secretly like writing papers.
5. i make myself laugh harder than anyone else makes me laugh. except for maybe tiffany pennington and arrested development.
6. today i wrote a play that my mother read and then asked me what drugs i am taking...perf.
7. 80% of the music i have listened to in the last 2 weeks has been Shane and Shane. can't get enough. food for the soul. subsequently Shane and Shane pandora station is the best one yet.
8. I go through jags like that where i just listen to one or two artists or one playlist for about a month and then find a new obsession. First it was my Parenthood(tv show) playlist(best playlist ever made), then it was my 90's music playlist, then it was Mumford and Sons, then Passion 2011 for about a month, then Avett Brothers and Ray LaMontagne(another best), then Dave Matthews Band(for about another month), and now its Shane and Shane all day e'er day.
p.s. Avett Brothers pandora station is another winner if you're ever in the mood for some solid folky tunes.
9. i both love and hate the truth that the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. Its so easy to gauge where my heart is by the way that i think and speak. awesome accountability.
10. Avett Brothers song "Colorshow" is a new favorite. "be loud, let your colors show"
11. "Lord I'm finding who I am in all You are" beautiful.
12. it sometimes genuinely scares me, and always humbles me, to think about how abundantly blessed i am. my life is a true testimony to the Lord's beautiful, gracious faithfulness. not in the conventional way that people would think of a life being blessed, but i am blessed in a way that speaks of God's glory, and that is the best kind of blessing that a child of the King could ask for.
13. i am sorry that i didn't pray for Osama Bin Laden's soul while he was alive. we are the body.
14. i cannot wait to be in heaven with my Jesus, but i LOVE being apart of Christ's mission on Earth. the greatest honor.
15. my nephew is about to turn 1 year old. unbelievable. it feels like my sister was just telling me she was pregnant yesterday.
16. I never realize how often i am injured until i tell people about it, then i understand why people make fun of me.
17. i pray daily that people don't see me when they look at me, but that they see Jesus.
18. "break my heart with the things that break Yours"
19. i wish i was good at photography. photographers are so cool.
20. i love responsibilities. i love being forced into rising to a challenge. tasks are one of my favorite things.

Sometimes when i think back to who i was in high school and even who i was last year i can't help but smile. God has completely changed my whole world and my whole heart, and heres the thing, back then, i thought i loved Jesus. But i didn't even know what that began to look like. I loved Jesus because of what He could do for me, not because He allows Himself to be glorified through my life. i am now so much more of the person that back then i wished i could be! God is so faithful. i'll blog more about it sometime, but God has really put me through the fire and very little about it has been fun or even appealing from a worldly standpoint, but from where i'm standing, eyes fixed on Christ, its looking alright to me! God is so good and knows exactly what we need as His children. that is so beautiful. if you simply allow yourself to sit back and watch Him take control of your life, it'll be better than you'd ever imagine. He is so good. truly, wholly, perfectly, completely: He is good.

i will leave with my favorite quote from a children's movie:
"Your life is an occasion, rise to it"
-Mr. Magorium

"that'll do pig."(theres another for ya)
-abbie

over it.

well, i'm the worst. i can never finish anything i start, from art projects to piano lessons and soccer practices, right down to something as simple as posting a picture online. its official, i'm terrible at commitments. well, at least ones that really aren't going to determine the course of my life...or the next five minutes.

See heres a little abbie fact: I get really REALLY excited about things quickly and easily, and then once i actually experience the thing that i'm excited about my excitement fizzles off and i lose interest. its kinda like a sugar high. its just that i love getting behind things and building them up...but i have a really short attention span, and i think i get bored a little too easily. i wish i would stick to my guns and finish things as well as i start them...but that almost never happens...character flaw? i think yes. on the upside though Jesus is one thing i never get tired off or lose interest in, so i guess thats really all that matters.

Speaking of Jesus, my head is in a daze right now. for real. i have this problem(gonna make myself sound like a kook) where when i've got a lot going on in my head and i try to be still and think for a second it feels like all my thoughts are yelling at me. they're like, hey we're important, give us some attention. unfortunately there are not enough hours in a day to give all my thoughts attention(i'm an over thinker with and over active imagination...bad combo.) what am i talking about? who knows? not me. i feel like i was going somewhere with all of this and then poof. i lost it. hm. oh yes, ok, so my head is so so full of all of these thoughts. thoughts about Jesus and how i'm supposed to live my life.

First off, i've been slapped in the face with the fact that I SUCK AT EVANGELISM. but really. God has recently placed a really neat discipleship opportunity in my lap and i'm running with it, but this girl i'm discipling is a stud and wants me to train her on how to evangelize, which is like awesome on the one hand but on the other hand its like, oh crap, i gotta live this too. its been tough seeing God purposely place me in a situation that highlights one of my greatest inadequacies, but its also amazing cause He promises that in our weakness He will make us strong, so i'm super pumped to see how it all plays out and how God uses this to shape my story of His love and faithfulness.

Secondly, i recently watched the film Beware of Christians, not once but twice, and it rocked my world both times. It validated all the thoughts on identity, materialism, money, church, and Christ Himself, that have been spinning through my brain. It was such an encouragement to see guys who not only love The Lord, but are doing something about it and are trying to change the game. I get so tired of complacency(and am completely guilty) and especially boys who are saying they live for Christ but are complacent and it was so refreshing to see these guys actually living out their walk and reminding us all the cost of the cross and the life that comes with it. but man alive did it ever make me long for more....which leads me to my next jumble of thoughts.

Thirdly(this is where i get hokey and you all stop reading cause i sound like a justin bieber wanna be), have you ever felt like you were made for more? i almost can't believe i'm blogging about this cause its weird and sounds snooty and prideful, but thats not at all what i'm going for. i just mean that i often feel like i'm so limited here, like i haven't taken enough chances and risks to see what Christ could truly do through me. I feel like God gave me this whole set of skills and abilities that often lie dormant because they aren't applicable in everyday life. it is in a word disheartening. I just keep hoping and praying that God will give me His vision for my life, yet i know that He has placed me right here right now for a specific purpose. I just daily wish that i was doing more, sharing more. That i would have the opportunities to share more of my Jesus with more and more people. I mean i don't even know, but i just feel like i was made for more than fayetteville, arkansas. i could be completely wrong, and probably am, but thats what i feel and my soul occasionally aches for the unknown more that i project myself into being made for. But seriously, i have experienced the overwhelmingly undeserved grace of a perfect savior and if God's plan for my life is to sit alone in a room for the rest of my life for His glory, i will take it. I would rather live a life empty of the world and my desires and full of Him than live a life my own agenda any day. cause i deserve nothing yet have been given everything. Christ being everything. Thats one thing i'm constantly thinking about: Louie giglio talked about how people accept Christ as an end to a means, they want prosperity, security, and their various other desires, so they accept Christ. But heres the catch folks, christ isn't a means to an end....He is the end. He's it, He's all we could ever ask or imagine. and thats awesome.

this post is by far the most spacey of any post. y'all probably think i'm coked up. but i'm not, this is just exactly how my head works....exactly.

i want an adventure.

-abbie

treasures

day 7: picture of your most prized possession.

so i know this is more than one possession but its the best i could do.

Bible, journal, and My Utmost for His Highest.

i'm sure it sounds Christian cliche, but the fact is i'm a Christian so i'm okay with sounding like one, in fact i pray that i sound like one.

I don't know what i would do without these 3 things:

my Bible is a treasure because it is the word of God. holy cow, it is how i get to know my Savior. questions, answers, promises, peace. everything good stems from this baby.

my journal is a treasure because i LOVE to write. i can't handle life without being able to write things down, i love that every thought that goes through my head can be jotted down and preserved forever within my own personal biography. i truly love journaling and being able to look back and see where i've been and where God is taking me.

My Utmost for His Highest is my favorite book on the face of the Earth. Oswald Chambers was truly blessed by the Lord. He has such incredible wisdom and insight and God always gives me such revelation through his words. seriously every single day Chambers meets me where i am. it is something else. love love love it.

-abbie

live from new york, its saturday night.

Day 6: a picture of someone you would trade places with for a day

boomtown. duh it would be Tina Fey. I know its sounds silly and you're probably thinking that there are thousands of people who make an impact in the lives of the lost and hurting that i could want to trade places with, but the fact of the matter is that tina fey is the funniest woman in america. i love funny. funny is a big part of my life. come on, the woman is playing a typewriter for crying out loud. she's hilarious, she's a brilliant writer, she's smart, she's in one of my all time favorite movies(Baby Mama). but this does have conditions, i would want to trade places with her in the past, i would want to live her life on a saturday night when she was still a cast member on SNL. She's the best of the best and i LOVE her. tina fey, you might just be one of my heroes. thanks for making me laugh and reminding me that sometimes girls can be just as funny as boys. i appreciate your inspiration.

-abbie fey...its a sign. tina fey rhymes with abbie lay.

ninjas and Jesus

Day 5: picture of your favorite memory

so, this is a picture from my mission trip to Belize last summer. I am in love with this picture. It brings joy to my heart every time i see it because it reminds me of the love that Christ was able to share with needy children through myself and a group of 8th and 9th graders, its powerful stuff. God revealed Himself so much to me through the trip and proved Himself so faithful and my love for Him and His children deepened so so much. I miss these beautiful faces and the sweet hearts that are attached to them. my team was incredible and i loved being able to share the experience with students that i have been privileged enough to pour into for the past 4 years, God is faithful and that is why Belize is one of my favorite memories. It will always be remembered as the time that God showed up and showed off His faithfulness and grace. seriously my heart overflows with love for Him.

-Abbie

BEST NIGHT EVER.

Day Four: a picture of your favorite night

ok, so back in high school...a solid 2 years ago tiffany pennington and i were OBSESSED with the jonas brothers, namely Joe and Nick. and when i say obsessed i mean obsessed. i mean, i own all there music. i know every word to every song. i've seen every music video. i know all there info. OH and we've been to 2 concerts, one which we traveled 10 hours for....

in this picture we were waiting for the concert to start, we had already been there since like 10 o'clock that morning and by now it was roughly 2 hours before SHOW TIME. this is my favorite picture from my favorite, 2 random guys we met outside of the BOK center who looked awesome so we took a picture with them. anyway the night was awesome cause we loved the jo bros, we made some incredible memories, and it made us even closer. loved every single moment of that entire day and it continues to be one of my favorite memories from high school. sure it was silly and we spent a lot of money, but i would never trade the amazing time with one of my best friends.

-we stalked the jobros

-we got lost in down town tulsa

-we danced for hours

-we took pictures with random people and statues

-we got the attention of the jonas brothers(we made them laugh cause we were dancing crazy)

best ever.

-abbie lay.

Funke

Day 3: picture of the cast from your favorite tv show.

"Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to hold them all together."

Arrested Development. done and done. my favorite show ever.

-abbie bluth.

Justice Beaver

Day 2: a picture of someone you've been close to the longest.

alright, so this is myself and my sister stefanie. It is such a blessing to have an older and it has been absolutely amazing to see the different ways we've related and the different forms our sisterhood has taken on over the years. She's almost 9 years older than me so by the time i was old enough to play and be fun she was in high school and the picture above was taken the summer before her freshman year of college, i was only 8. So in my younger years there wasn't much of a relationship but when she left for college she left behind an incredible impact and something that I am still thankful for to this day. She made me a journal and put this very picture on it and called it "Sister Secrets" and it was to be our thing, and that meant the world to me. So much of who i am today is because of her and i don't even think she knows. It has been amazing to see what a steadfast, trusting woman of God she has been all these years, she is absolutely incredible and truly set the standard for me. i love a challenge and living up to the amazing woman she is is definitely a challenge in itself, but i have always wanted to be like her in many, many ways. She is a great sister and as we've both gotten older she is more than a sister but one of my best friends, always there for me with love and encouragement. i am thankful for her daily and can't imagine life without her. i have learned so much by just being able to observe her and the way that she lives life. She's the best.

thats all.

-Abbie

faint lights

i wanted to do a 30 photo challenge, but less people will know i do it if its done on my blog rather than facebook...haha, so this is it. lets see if i can keep a commitment. only way i'll be able to prep for marriage. hahaha. ok. done with stupid jokes.

Day 1: photo of yourself and 15 facts.

1. there are very, very few pictures out there of just myself, and all the ones that exist are somewhere along these lines...cheesin it.

2. i wish i was a hipster, but i'm not lanky enough for it.

3. i am addicted to sweet tea, for sure.

4. my heart is stuck in the midwest, i love kansas with my whole heart.

5. i think mustaches are hilarious. never get old.

6. i love journaling, its therapeutic.

7. i wish i could quit school and just do ministry all day, errr day.

8. i have my future children's names picked out. sorry i'm a freak.

9. i love glitter, just a little too much.

10. my favorite animals are dolphins: beautiful, smart, swim all day. done.

11. i LOVE toddlers and tiaras. once again, sorry i'm a freak.

12. i had a southern accent when i was 4 years old...how precious is that?

13. not to toot my own horn but my ipod is awesome.(and by ipod i mean music on my ipod.)

14. i have the cutest nephew in the the entire world, and don't try and argue, cause i'll win.

15. i love making people laugh, more than almost anything.

day onsies is donesies.

boomtown. (#16. boomtown is my favorite word)

-abb

avoidance

heres the deal, i don't like to blog without inspiration but i think this time i'm blogging in search of it, so i'm going to tell de internets a leel somting somting, that makes my heart glad...2 things...no, 3.

numero uno:

DAVE BARNES. ok ladies and gentlemen, although he is more commonly known for his booming success in the Christian music industry, i like to think of him as the funniest man in America. this is the conclusion that i came to after i viewed his "Balumtine'th Day" video. i have no words when i watch him. he makes me cry from laughing so hard. any time i'm feeling down i watch his videos. sure he has a great voice and is super musically talented and all, but lets get real, HE'S HILARIOUS. nuff said. police never die. i want to be best friends with him and make videos all day. 24/7. besties.

2. Ben Rector and Steve Moakler. what can i say? they were wonderful. 3rd time seeing Ben, 1st time seeing Steve, and so glad that i did. Ben Rector is so fun and always sings about how great the Arkansas Razorbacks are, love his songs, love his voice. Steve Moakler is amazing. fun fact, Keith Urban was the first country singer he liked, and guess who my first country love was? thats right folks, Keith Urban. Anyway both of them are great guys and super kind and love Jesus. i would say "thanks for the great show" but neither of them will ever read this, so i won't go there. it'd just be cliche.

3. Sunrises. i. love. sunrises. thats right. they are beautiful. i love that its morning, its the beginning, the start of a new day full of its opportunities, lessons, surprises, disappointments, and little happies. Its the light pushing away the dark. i think thats why its my favorite. i, ever so thankfully, get to wake up with the sun every monday, wednesday, and friday cause i have a 7:30 class, and thats when the best of the sun is coming up, when the sky behind you is dark and the sky before you is bright and orange and yellow. geez i love it so much. its fresh and dewy and just a little bit foggy. i just can't get over how much i love it. its one of the few things that i would wake up at 6 a.m. for. in an ideal world where everyone was a morning person i would get proposed to at a sunrise somewhere scenic. cause seriously, thats how i would love to remember it forever. love it. so if any eligible bachelors out there are reading this take some notes and start training your body to wake up early now, cause thats my one desire. ok. good. glad i covered all my bases.

ok, those are my 3 things that make my heart happy today.

sorry for the lack of inspiration contained in this blog. i wish it was though, wish i could have imparted some sort of wisdom or at least one good word. but alas. i have not and i'm just gonna have to be ok with that.

now, to write my lit paper. oh wait, i still don't want to...good.

good night.

-abbie lay.

also, on my January 24th post entitled "love you oh so well" i posted a lie. i told the world that i have never had a recurring dream, which completely contradicts with another post that says i have a recurring dream in which i can breath underwater. so i apologize for lying. the internet is supposed to be based on complete trust and honesty, and i completely broke that trust by saying what i said. i formally retract my before stated remark and ask that my readers forgive me and go on reading my blog as if it never happened. lets take this seriously. its a big deal....

Thankfulness

Contentment is a tricky, tricky thing. Just when I think that I'm doing well and have exactly what i need satan throws a curveball at me and i foolishly let it get the best of me. Then i spend days and sometimes weeks trying and trying to get back to that place of contentment, only to be thrown off course again. Honestly it drives me absolutely crazy. If only i knew how to completely rid myself of worldly desires and be singleminded in my desire for Christ.

So whats got me discontent right now? well, i'm bout to drop an honesty bomb on y'all and get vulnerable. I sometimes feel like its silly to be vulnerable on the internet, but i figure i would tell the few people who read this about it anyway, so i might as well go there and save myself some time.

here we go:

i am lonely.

yes. thats right. i am lonely.

not in the sense of not having friends, because i do, but in the sense of feeling the desire for significance and importance to a group of people. this is not at all written to make anyone feel sorry for because i think its dangerous to be some ones primary, i'm just stating the fact that i'm not some ones primary and although its a blessing it is still difficult and lonely. I have been down every avenue in my life. i've been the "popular" kid, or at least semi popular, i've been the outcast, i've been the cool kid, i've been the awkward kid, i've been the kid who spends every weekend with their parents , and i've been the kid who's so busy with friends they're never home, but what i've found is that my favorite person to be is the one who spends time with The Lord.

I remember once about a year ago i was praying and i told God that if He needed me to be lonely i would take it with a grateful and loving heart, but that i really, really didn't want to be lonely. well, i see now that my view of loneliness was completely skewed at that point. Loneliness isn't a punishment from God, to be honest it is a blessing. Now i may be throwing you off with this, but stick with me. I truly believe that loneliness from peers is a sign of closeness to God. When you are steadfastly following the Lord less and less people are going to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it. My loneliness is a direct result of my relationship with God, so heres the crazy part, I think i should DELIGHT in my loneliness. weird i know. i semi can't even handle that thought, but seriously isn't my loneliness kind of a gift? i don't know. but i think that when lonely times come we need to be thankful and embrace them rather then immediately go running towards the nearest group of people.

So what if i am never a single persons primary? i have a primary, His name is Jesus Christ, a friend closer than a brother, my Saviour, the Bridegroom, the Son of God. wowzer. i love Jesus.

i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. sometimes i just get lost in my love for Him and all i wanna do is keep writing and writing and writing about how wonderful He is and how He saved me.

thats all i got right now.

praise Jesus.

"we're resting in the shadow of the cross."

-Abbie

Jesus Movement

i have tested 3 different openers to this blog entry and all of them were annoying and made me feel like i thought i was worth reading. With that said i'm just gonna jump right into it.

So the first day of classes of 2011 was january 18, since then we've had 4 going on 5 snow days...pretty good right? i'd say so.

Heres the question that's burning on my mind for the past few weeks, do you ever miss Jesus?

now allow me to clarify, i don't mean in the sense of feeling far from Christ. I don't mean that feeling of missing Christ from your life when you know that you're living a life apart from Christ. I mean in the sense of longing for Christ. Lately I have felt this longing for Heaven, longing to just be able to be in the presence of Jesus and be in awe of the Saviour that died, the Saviour that sacrificed his comfort and desires to take on the full wrath of the Father. I want so, so badly to be with Him. And don't even get me started on how much i long for The Father, oh my goodness. I think that God the Father is the worlds greatest mystery, He's His own best kept secret. I love that simultaneously He can give us such beautiful glimpses of His greatness and love, yet keep Himself a mystery and keep all of us guessing. ay caramba. I am just so in awe of God, the maker of the universe. He who was not created, but creates all life. I just want to sit in His presence, filled with wonder. I can't even begin to imagine what eternity will be like, but the idea and anticipation make me want to laugh and cry and sing and hug everyone in sight.

Now, the facts are these. (1) I am only promised today. (2) I don't know when i will finally get to join the body of saints in Heaven, praising our Father FOREVER. (3) I need to live for the future in the present.

With that said i can reach only one verdict. I need to live every single second of every single day for Jesus, for His name and for His renown. hecks to the yea. I think Oswald Chambers but it incredibly well when he said "we are not called to be holy men and women, but to be proclaimers of the Gospel of God."(my utmost for His highest). I need to carry the name of Christ, Louie Giglio talks about how as actives members of society we carry names, no one who is now famous would be famous if it was not for us. we carry names all the time, we hear a good song, see a good movie, go to a cool store, watch a funny show, see an extraordinary athlete, and whats the first thing we do? we tell everyone we know about it. we tweet it, facebook it, text it, whatever you want. you know what i'm saying. we are experts at carrying names, so why are we not experts at carrying the name of Christ? we carry the name of that which is most important to us. honestly the thought of this makes me sick, but also changes my life. the idea of carrying Christs name makes me miss Him less. it makes my time on this Earth so much more meaningful, so much more important, so much more urgent.

I have been given the greatest gift EVER. Being a follower of Christ literally rocks my world every single day...without fail. lets get real y'all. whats holding us back from changing the world? God has no respect for age. He doesn't give a rip how old you are. So lets do it. right now. lets change. lets grow. lets shape. lets restructure whats important. lets. glorify, sanctify, and make disciples. lets start a movement. a Jesus movement.

boomtown.

Jesus, let your presence drown out our desire for things that don't matter in the end.

-abbie.

(i have no idea what just happened. is this real life? i don't have any idea what i just wrote. thats the way it should be)

love you oh so well

Just whatever pops into my head.

1. i've had the same winter coat since the 8th grade. thats 6 years.

2. i love corn. both on and off the cob.

3. i have never had a recurring dream.

4. i want to name one of my sons ross and one of my daughters lorelei.

5. i have comfort zones that i go to when i'm sick. for instance every time i am out due to sickness or injury my mom buys me a new coloring book and i color for hours, it makes me feel better.

6. sometimes i wish i was a political science major

7. my two favorite college core classes have been american government and macroeconomics. i got a's in both of them. hence the desire to be a poli sci major.

8. if i was the only person who purchased red diamond sweet tea they would most certainly stay in business.

9. i wish that people could hear my thoughts.

10. i wish that mermaids existed so that i could be one.

11. i like to listen. even if someone isn't talking to me, i just really, really like listening.

12. one of my favorite things to do is catch snippets of other peoples conversations and then make up the rest of the conversation, or make up their story.

13. i don't like watching movies.

14. i love to read Real Simple(magazine)

15. when i was little i would make up new names for myself, for awhile i was katie, then i was jo

16. i should be a freshman in college...but i'm not.

17. i like glitter a whole lot.

18. i wish that i went to KU. rock chalk. i miss kansas.

19. i have more jack johnson on my ipod than any other artist.

20. if i could pick anyones brain it would be tina fey and amy poehler. funniest women alive.

all that

so exactly a week ago today i was at Passion2011 in atlantaand was probably mulling over the things that Beth Moore said in her break out session...and a weeklater i am still thinking about the things that she said. One thing she mentioned was how great God is because he doesn't give us what we want when we want it, because generally our desires change. She said to think back to when you were thirteen and think about what you wanted then and how great it is that you didn't get the life that you wanted back then. So obviously i decided that i wanted to blog about what my life would be like if i had gotten the future life that i wanted when i was a wee 13 year old, 7 long, silly years ago.

IF I GOT MY PERFECT 13 YEAR OLD LIFE I WOULD:

be married to this guy-

Billy Aaron Brown, he was in the Mary Kate and Ashley box office hit, "getting there". It was basically love at first sight, and can't you see why? I mean come on, he's got it all, bleached tipped, messy/spiky hair, and that cut-off...oh boy. who wouldn't want to spend the rest of their life with him? Thank the good Lord its not me.

On this show-

honestly, need i say more? it was my dream. i do believe that i made an audition tape. i wanted it bad. Good thing i didn't get it cause i would have ended up like...

this-

or this-

or if i was lucky, like this-

yea, obviously a super bright future for me.

These were the most impressive dreams of mine, to actually be mary kate olsen, to marry a super star, and be the star of a huge, legendary television sketch show that has truly stood the test of time and launched its stars into the spotlight both during adolescence and on into adulthood. It really prepared its stars for the posh and simple future that they faced.

isn't it good that i didn't get the life that my 13 heart desired? yea, i agree.